Sundry slimy concoctions have been devised over the years to deliver the precious payload to your throat. While Native Americans, badasses that they are, simply shoved the snail itself down there, the more delicate Europeans employed snail juices, snail broths, or snails soaked in wine to make them more palatable. And while you're probably picturing a medieval peasant straight out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail slurping snail wine through the black hole where his teeth should be, in reality, honest-to-goodness physicians were prescribing snail slime well into the 20th century. Even today, sea snails are providing powerful tools for use in anesthesia and cancer treatments.
Still grossed out? Consider this: the U.S. has 20 times more deaths resulting from heart disease than the Greek city of Crete does. The people of Crete eat at least 20 times more snails, which are rich in a fatty acid that "has been reported to have a protective effect against cardiovascular diseases." So, yeah, go munch some snails.
A Tiny Vibrator Can Cure Constipation
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OK, so while chances are you've never had a straight-up boulder blocking ol' Caca Canyon, even the healthiest of us can forget to properly hydrate while going on a Netflix 'n' Hot Pockets binge, and as a result end up with a raging case of the inverse shits. But while occasional constipation is bad enough, for the millions of people who suffer from it chronically, life is a never-ending love-hate affair with their toilet. And while medication helps, the ever-increasing dosages needed to treat a chronic case of constipation can lead to serious side effects.
The toilet paper savings just aren't worth it.
Enter the exceedingly appropriately named Israeli company, Vibrant, and their new, medication-free solution to the world's poop flow problems: a vibrator.
Ew, god, no, that's not how it works. Jesus, why would you even think that?
It's possibly the only vibrator that doesn't come with the side effect of making you feel inadequate.
It's actually a vibrating capsule -- about the size of a multivitamin -- that a chronic idiopathic constipation sufferer can swallow twice a week. (Just to be abundantly clear, they're one-time use.) Once swallowed, a tiny motor inside the capsule waits six to eight hours, and then starts to vibrate. That way, the vibrating action only happens once the pill has traveled past your stomach and into your intestines, ensuring that you don't feel like you've accidentally swallowed a joy buzzer.
The pulsating pill "mimics peristalsis, the biological process that pushes waves of waste through the bowel." And it works like a charm: test subjects reported pooping a full 100 percent more often while taking the capsules, proving that -- at least for a select portion of the population -- an off-the-wall medical treatment can make the world a less shitty place (by making it a shittier place).
J.M. McNab writes and podcasts for Rewatchability.com. You can also find him on Twitter: @Rewatchability.
For more unlikely cures that actually work, check out 5 Creepy Medical Treatments That Actually Work and 19 Home Remedies You Won't Believe Actually Work.
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