All art is subjective. Subjectivity is in its very nature. One man's masterpiece is another man's paint-smeared garbage. So it is damn near impossible to make any questionable comments about a work of art's inherent quality -- unless, of course, that artwork was made by radically out-of-touch celebrities. Then it's fair game.
Once lawyers and relatives managed to quit squabbling over Michael Jackson's estate for 10 seconds, they discovered an elaborate art collection in his studio/storehouse, valued at around $900 million. It contained, among other things, over 150 pieces of art created by the King of Pop himself. They are drawings of chairs with faces.
This one just heard Invincible for the first time and was not pleased.
Michael Jackson oddity #72: He was fascinated by chairs, and considered them to be the "thrones of men, women, and children." OK, there have been weirder motifs in art. There are certainly weirder motifs in Michael Jackson's artistic career. Hell, there were probably weirder motifs in his breakfast. What makes this truly strange is that Michael Jackson's bizarre vanity artwork is actually ... pretty good. Technically speaking, anyway. There's probably something evil that lives in this one:
The Man in the Mirror never stood a fucking chance.
Whereas this one just looks like it knows that its purpose in life is to have butts on its mouth. We would be making the same exact face.
"Yeah, it's a hard life. At least I'm not Tito."
Recently, Ke$ha went to rehab for an eating disorder. To pass the time, she tried to engage in art therapy. A friend used Twitter to ask Ke$ha's fans to send some art supplies, because how else would a multimillionaire get art supplies? Buy some? Have you been to Michael's lately? That shit adds up. No, "free" is always better than "not free."
And yet her cold-hearted treatment center wasn't game. They told her fans to knock it off. Apparently receiving bits of a stranger's skull in the mail "isn't conducive to a therapeutic environment."
You see, Ke$ha does tooth art. She's used her fans' teeth to make a headdress, earrings, necklaces, and even a bra. Get them strange teeth on your nipples, ladies!
Back in 2012, Ke$ha made a similar request of fans and got over 1,000 teeth. Her treatment center's official reasoning for halting this was that teeth could be a biohazard. The unofficial reason is that any therapy that makes it seem like you need therapy is kind of missing the mark.
So the real question here is, who is crazier? On the one hand, you've got Ke$ha, who says she does this to feel more connected to her fans. "I love them!" she says. "I call them my family."
Yeah, so did this guy.
And on the other hand, who the hell is mailing off their teeth? Seriously, where did they all come from? A thousand fans with poor hygiene? Thirty-something really devoted fans who now gum their dinners? Perhaps feeling the need to completely knock the Nutjob Scales on their side, Ke$ha released a jewelry line last year featuring penis earrings.
Kesha Rose by Charles Albert
"I'm talkin' I'm talkin' pedicure on our toes, toes
Testicles on our lobes, lobes."
Because sometimes the lord is kind, they are not constructed of real penises. Yet. Be wary of her next request, gentlemen: It's not like losing a baby tooth. You won't get a bigger replacement.
You remember Macaulay Culkin, that kid from such hit films as Home Alone and ... Home Alone 2? He and a couple of pals formed the art collective 3MB, responsible for such projects as "Leisure Inferno," which proposes to make your walls look like the mental patients got into the crayons again. When the trio paint, they "attack the canvas simultaneously," each working on different objects in different styles, which they eventually mesh together. If it sounds like it all might result in a crazy incoherent mishmash, well ... you have pretty good hearing.
Even their plagiarism is fucked up.
Obviously that's a post-surrealist deconstructional take on the Bauhaus movement (we have absolutely no idea what any of those words mean, but we're pretty sure we heard a dude in a scarf use them at some point). Next up we have a piece we find more reminiscent of neo-realism, by which we mean it is a child's drawing of a mouse and a pig in hula skirts next to the dude from Hellraiser on the beach in front of an octopus on what might be a chocolate cake all together under a disco ball.
The one-armed hammerhead with lampreys for ears and Marvin the Martian's eyes is the most normal guest at the party.
And for this next piece, we give up. We're all out of possibly misheard art words to bandy about. Instead we shall go for unflinching accuracy. This is Mario being assassinated by a cloud disguised as Lee Harvey Oswald, while a man with a raven for a hat looks on from atop a sledgehammer.
And here's He-Man playing some sort of misinterpreted mashup of Wheel of Fortune and Pictionary with the naked cast of Seinfeld. You know what? We don't know much about art, but we know what we like ...
Vanna sure looks different without the makeup.
Did you access this webpage without a state-provided assistant? Do you have enough hand-eye coordination to feed yourself? If you can say "yes" to both, then congratulations, you can make art with MS Paint. But the question is, how much can you get paid for it? Good luck topping Ringo: His kindergarten-level digital art goes for thousands.
We did not Photoshop this. Nobody involved with this even knows what Photoshop is.
As far as Beatlemaniacs are concerned, the second coming of Jesus already happened, and this time around God Voltroned his son into four British blokes who were only truly powerful when they all got together. For all the jokes, Ringo Starr is a pretty talented drummer. Precisely none of that talent made it into his artwork. Maybe it could, if he wasn't so overpowered by creative apathy: By his own admission, the drawings only take him a few minutes on his iPad. He started doing them to kill downtime in hotels. He started selling them because he remembered he was in the fucking Beatles, and he could buy a small island with what his bellybutton lint goes for on eBay.
It's a more sound business plan than trying to re-peddle his solo albums.
Now, before you start hating on Ringo, he doesn't keep the money; it all goes to charity. So it's actually kind of cool that he burns two minutes of his time on crude line drawings that he knows will reap small fortunes for a good cause. It is slightly less cool that he can't spare enough time or fucks to so much as Google the correct spelling of "elephant."
Couple that with using "a" instead of "an," and you realize why John never let him write anything.
Scott Peterson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The list of obscene/offensive/inhumane crap Saddam Hussein did could fill a book. And it did! No, we're not talking about his terrible romance novels. This is somehow a worse crime against literature: the Blood Quran.
First draft: "I do not like it, Infidel-I-Am/I do not like the Blood Quran."
After his son survived an assassination attempt, Saddam wanted to thank God for it. Other people might attend church service more often, donate to charity, or just stop killing people for an afternoon or two. Saddam decided the best way to show his gratitude was to have the holiest book of Muslim faith written in his own blood. Over two years of regular bloodletting, he gave over 7 gallons for his unholy cause. A calligrapher, who no doubt had a gun to his head at some point, dutifully transcribed the Quran using the bodily fluids of a sadistic dictator as his ink.
Which was probably better than the bodily fluids he wrote the romance novel in.
When Saddam's regime fell, citizens smashed his statues, burned his paintings, and just generally disapproved of his choices overall. However, the Quran is still the Quran, even when written in the blood of a crazy asshole dictator. Destroying it is a big no-no, both legally and religiously, yet treating the book as holy is also touchy, since it is inherently blasphemous. So the Sunnis holding the book keep it behind glass, displayed page by page in a mosque that has three locked doors. To gain access, you'd need three keys from three different people: the curator, the police chief, and a third person not even known to the public. Presumably it's a powerful wizard with a big glowing red weak point.
Scott Peterson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The clerics also strictly forbid use of the Konami Code.
In short, the whole thing is a Catch-22. Nobody (Baath nutjobs aside) wants to use or touch the Blood Quran, but no one can figure out how to get rid of it inoffensively. Ain't that just like Saddam? One last dick move from beyond the grave.
Related Reading: Artwork isn't the only thing celebrities went a little crazy on, if Jeff Bridges' blog is to be believed. However, some famous people do survive outside the limelight, like Vanilla Ice and his house-renovating career.