Ah, the majestic North American beaver ...
Steve, via Wikipedia
"Leave it to me!"
... adorner of Canadian coins, provider of genital euphemisms, ass-secreter of vanilla-scented deliciousness. But of all the wondrous things beavers have given us over the years, the most valuable throughout much of American history has been its pelt, because beaver hats. Back in the 1940s, Argentine President Jean Peron wanted to carve himself out a chunk of that pimp-ass hat trade, so his administration imported 20 beavers and released them into the South American forests of Tierra del Fuego. The idea was that the beavers would go forth and multiply, and trappers in turn would -- get this -- trap them, thereby creating a whole new industry in a region that was previously far too poor to even register on the beaver-trapping radar (if you catch our drift).
You know where this is going:
A violent confrontation with Ents?
The fur trade never took off, but boy, those beavers sure did. Today, over 100,000 of the little inbred, buck-toothed bastards infest the archipelago, laying waste to the Patagonian ecosystem. Unlike the trees of their homeland, which snap right back up and chant "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" after being gnawed to death by a beaver, their South American counterparts instead throw up their branches, say "Oh, fuck no," and never, ever grow back again. And those beaver dams we marvel at for their spectacular engineering? They flood the landscape, rotting tree roots and altering the watershed's carbon cycle, leaving behind literal Swamps of Sadness from The NeverEnding Story.
And now we're thinking about Artax. Back in 5; gotta go cry for a bit.
That's not an exaggeration: The beavers' new ponds result in mud, mud, and more mud, causing wandering livestock to become trapped and die slow, squishy deaths that would give our 10-year-old selves recurring nightmares. But wait, it gets worse -- farmers have reported stumbling upon sheep who couldn't escape and, immobile and defenseless, had their eyes pecked out by freaking birds.
Via World Nomads
Not since '70s porn has a bushy creature so tirelessly devoured so much wood.
Before what shall hereby be known as the Great Beaver Invasion, Patagonia had managed to remain relatively unchanged since the last ice age 10,000 years ago. But in a short 60 years, beavers have "re-engineered the ecosystem even more than humans have." So there you have it, folks: We humans can take some small comfort from the fact that we're not the only species capable of making Captain Planet cry. Except, you know, we're the ones who put the beavers there, so ...
Jordan Rudow woefully lacks anything worth promoting, so instead he would like to ask you to make an appointment to donate blood today.
Related Reading: This isn't the only time we've dicked around with other species -- for example Vikings and the Chinese used to make bat bombs. That's probably why animals are ruthlessly killing us.
Let's avoid introducing any more wild animals to chunks of the world they'll surely ruin. Click the button below and share this on Facebook to help spread the word.