The Time George from 'Seinfeld' Tried to Murder Columbo Live on Stage

In 1999, George Costanza and Lieutenant Columbo starred in a play that seemed to be about Y2K

Authors: By Keegan Kelly
Published: December 07, 2022
Comments: 0

4 Comforting Facts About Uncomfortable Subjects

Look on the very slightly brighter side of life!

Authors: By Eli Yudin
Published: December 08, 2022
Comments: 0

PICTOFACT

15 Hygiene Mistakes That We As a Society Refuse to Stop Making

We’re a nation of dirty, germ-ridden people, and we just can’t help it.

Authors: By Andres Diplotti, Andrea Meno
Published: December 08, 2022
Comments: 5

‘48 Hrs.’ at 40: How Eddie Murphy’s First Movie Birthed the Buddy-Cop Comedy

The 1982 hit inspired everything from ‘Lethal Weapon’ to ‘Rush Hour.’ But on its 40th anniversary, we pay tribute to a movie that’s actually very different from the films that copied its formula

Authors: By Tim Grierson
Published: December 08, 2022
Comments: 0

Brian Posehn on His New Special, Mr. Show and Apex Nerdom

The biggest nerd in comedy is back

Authors: By Matt Solomon
Published: December 08, 2022
Comments: 0

If Harry Potter Was More Realistic: An Alternate Timeline

By:: Michael Swaim; Abe Epperson; Cracked Writers

May 04, 2014

What if an 11-year-old Harry Potter had told Hagrid and Dumbledore they could fuck right off with all that wizard bullshit? And what if he and his pal Ron Weasley hopped a flight to Los Angeles and devoted the next 20 years to selling drugs and having wacky misadventures?

If Harry Potter Was More Realistic: An Alternate Timeline

That is the question this series sets out to answer.

Call us crazy, but we've thought about this a lot, and we're convinced that our version is actually more plausible. The adults in the Harry Potter stories don't exactly give the kid much of a choice: He can either stay in a horribly abusive household or be "rescued" by wizards who immediately saddle him with the responsibility of saving a world he didn't even know existed. It's the equivalent of a fifth grader getting drafted by the Navy SEALs and told that only he can kill bin Laden, because only he has the super soldier genes to pull off the mission (holy shit, it just occurred to us that the Harry Potter franchise is just a magical version of Ender's Game).

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So in this Cracked series, we catch up with a 30-something Potter living under an assumed name in LA, running small-time scams, and getting incredibly stoned with "Don" Weasley.

When a wizard refugee who turns out to be a grown-up Hermione Granger (under the assumed muggle name Stacy Keach) shows up at his door, Harry remembers just how much he hated this wizarding shit. In the first episode, he does all he can to make sure a magical hero journey doesn't ensue:

Think about it: How would you use low-level magical abilities in a world where you can't let anyone know you have them? You're not gonna go heal the sick and fight crime -- the best case scenario is you'd get worshiped as a god by zealots; the worst case is you'd get magicked to death by Voldemort's henchmen. No, we say Harry would do just enough magic to avoid having to ever get a day job.

This is the first of a three-episode series, and you can watch the rest here.

Watch Other New Series from Cracked Studios!

If you liked that, you're almost certain to enjoy Adventures in Jedi School, which is our irreverent attempt to get sued by George Lucas ...

... and Rom.com, an exploration of the living hell that is online dating:

These are all the product of the newly formed Cracked Studios, and we will continue making additional seasons of those shows as long as you watch and share them. So tell your friends!