12

Snake It

Eaglesoft Software Publishers
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to take a defenestrated cobra to the face."

Snake is best known as that game you played on your cellphone back before your cellphone could play games. We're pretty sure it was about a depressed snake just trying to commit suicide in the Tron world, and not a furious giant cobra attacking James Bond at a urinal.

11

Oh Shit!

Aackosoft

"Oh Shit!" were presumably the first words uttered by the artist after he finished hours of painstaking painting and looked up to find he'd drawn a ravenous, disembodied Winnie the Pooh head consuming the ghosts of giant pills while seemingly terrified of his own existence.

10

Mario

piratedgamemuseum.wikia.com

Pirates, just like Nintendo itself, quickly learned that slapping Mario onto anything was a license to print money. Here we see caveman Mario trying to rescue Princess Peach before a dinosaur erotica novel starts playing out. Unfortunately, this seems to have led to a case of the butterfly effect, because past-Mario's antics inadvertently created this:

suppermariobroth.com
The Cap'n had some of the "good" crunch berries for breakfast.

9

Mega Rockman 3

Turbogame
In this version, you gain their powers by molesting them with your robo-tendrils.

Mega Rockman 3's cover is a mash-up of the American and Japanese version of Mega Man (it's called Rockman in Japan), mixed with a healthy dose of sass. Either that, or it's a teaser poster for a new musical starring Robby the Robot and Bomberman's gay, shark-themed cousin.

8

Dratula: Crazy Vampire

gonintendo.com
"Whatever, we still made more money than Son of the Mask."

Apparently someone really, really wanted a Dracula/The Mask crossover and wasn't about to let little problems like logic and reason get in the way. This pirated copy of Dratula: Crazy Vampire ostensibly replaces the cartoon count with Jim Carrey and Dracula with "Dratula," Dracula's nonunion Mexican equivalent. "Drat that Dratula!" the game-over screen better say.

7

World Heroes 2

Cony Soft
Seconds before Sonic and Andy invent Rule 34.

World Heroes 2 was yet-another-fighting-game in the era of yet-another-fighting-games. But that wasn't good enough for Cony Soft. No, this bootleg company wanted to create something special, so they crammed all the great fighters into their unauthorized rip-off game: Ryu, Chun-Li, Goku, Bowser's BDSM-obsessed ginger cousin, cross-eyed Sonic, indiscernible naked people enveloped in flames, and the shadowy, disembodied head of Mario cosplaying as a sinister M. Bison-type character ... right next to M. Bison. That had to be an awkward conversation.

6

Chip & Dale 3

obscurevideogames.tumblr.com

Someone in Russia seriously misunderstood the premise of Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers, the show about an adorable detective agency run by two chipmunks that foil the nefarious plans of an obese cat. It's not about GunSmokey the Bear and a mentally unstable former marine in a Fievel mask shooting down attack helicopters together.

Although, goddammit, it really should be.

Because the actual game gets it right for once, and follows through on all the crazy promises the cover makes: It's a crude mod of NES shooter Heavy Barrel, where Chip and Dale complete classic Rescue Rangers missions like "DESTROY ENEMY'S UNDERGROUND ARTILLERY BASE" using laser guns and flamethrowers. We don't know how the cuddly detectives laid their hands on such an arsenal. Maybe they were designed by their resident genius, Gadget Hackwrench, who in this game is presumably Minnie Mouse with crudely Photoshopped tits.

5

Jackass: The Game

Syrian Games
"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is 'An Affront to God'!"

Apparently there was a Jackass video game, apparently it was desired enough that people wanted to pirate it, and apparently those people had a very low opinion of Kanye West. Or else the cast of Jackass was trying to escape a terrifying Dr. Moreau-esque island full of half-beast, half-rapper abominations.

Which ... actually sounds like a pretty good game, come to think of it.

4

Bad Boys 2

Syrian Games
This was also Will Smith's exact reaction after reading the reviews for After Earth.

Bad Boys 2, for those of you who didn't see it, was about Will Smith and Martin Lawrence recovering from the terrible spinal injuries of the first film's chase scene. That's why they're trying so very hard to do so very little, and having serious trouble holding their weapons -- physical therapy is a long and arduous process. Don't believe us? Well then explain the alternate cover:

Syrian Games
"Actually, this is just how I masturbate."

3

FBI Policeman

"No, stupid! You pull the badge, then shoot."

"Open up, it's the FBI Police! I'm Special Agent Detective Sargent Doctor Trenchcoat, and this is my partner The Right Honorable Professor Judge Captain Snake!"

... and then you notice that it's a sequel.

2

Batman

Hey, remember when Batman fought Nosferatu?

We intended that to be a joke setup, but hot damn if DC didn't actually beat us to it.

Is there anything Batman isn't about? Between him and The Simpsons, we're pretty sure all of the multiverse has been mapped.

1

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Syrian Games
"Up in the sky -- it's a btird -- it's a ptlane -- it's Supermtan!"