Cracked Round-Up: Colorectal Fission Edition

Look, we're a big website. And the whole REASON we're a big website is because damn near every Google result conceivable leads to Cracked. Eventually. But the Internet is always growing and so our team of Search Engineers work hard every day to make sure Cracked has SOME title that ties in to every possible story.

And that's why today's title is today's title.

If you've been moping all week about Ben Affleck playing Batman, you should probably let Tom Reimann explain why that isn't a bad thing. Follow up by letting Luke McKinney explain how Vladimir Putin is clearly a Bond villain. And speaking of ridiculous villains, check out these misleading video game covers Tom Reimann put together. Chris Bucholz dissected the most terrifying dating scenes on earth while Luke McKinney looked at some lessons from the greatest college movie in history. John Cheese wound us down with brilliant 90s shows that are still being made while Felix Clay closed our week with the weirdly specific characters in every sitcom.

KID KRIMINAL

5 Things Everyone Did Growing Up (That Now Get You Arrested) Because childhood isn't difficult enough WITHOUT badged-men wailing on you with pepper spray.

Notable Comment: "hi hi hi am so clad am not white and I live in a 3rd world where no one gives a s**t about kids"

What are you clad in, steelmouth? 3rd World Kids?

CELEBADASS

5 Celebrities You Didn't Know Ass-Kicked Their Way to Fame Because the only way to train for on-screen badassery, is to look cool standing next to Muhammad Ali.

Notable Comment: "That was in no way a thong."

DantesGerbil's comment is presented here, with no further explanation.

WARSTAKES

6 Cartoonishly Simple Battle Plans That Worked War can be a complex, deeply mental endeavor. Or it can be something you do in between bumps of cocaine. This article is about the later times.

Notable Comment: "They got the soldiers drunk...yes. Slipped into town crossdressed... yes. and slaughtered them all... darn, what a way to ruin my crossdressed orgy fantasy cracked. "

JoshuaJarvis has stumbled upon Cracked's ancient, secret mission statement.

REAL FEAR

6 Amazing Performances by Actors Who Weren't Acting (Part 2) Improvisation is just how forgetful people act.

Notable Comment: "Just when you think your opinion of Quentin Tarantino as a person can't get any lower..."

HillarySilas, we can honestly say no one at Cracked has ever thought that.

COMIC STARS

The 5 Most Insane Celebrity Cameos in Comic Books KISS and Howard the Duck, you guys. Kiss and Howard the Duck.

Notable Comment: "So, is it true that if you make article co-author Maxwell Yezpitelok say his name backwards, he has to return to his home dimension?"

That's inaccurate, missvivian. But if you can get him to say his name backwards, he WILL provide you with eleven dollars in a mix of pennies and bull semen.

Matt and Noel

The Truth About the War Between Time Warner and CBS America and Basic Cable go together like America and Pay-Per-View.

YOU YOU YOU!

23 Famous Movies Full of Symbolism You Didn't Notice We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, When They Start Using Sex to Advertise Everything, If Every Video Game Character Could Talk, Glaring Anachronisms in Famous Movies and Shocking Real World Conspiracies.