The 7 Creepiest Hacks of Popular Video Games
While you're sitting on your couch whining about how so many games suck, there's an entire community of people out there known as "modders" who actually take those games and alter them to make them better. Some of them are so talented that they should be working for actual game companies ... while others are just utterly insane, and the mods they create are so crazy that they'll make your brain give up and come flying out of your ass.
Guess which ones we're going to talk about now.
The Legend of Zelda: Nicolas Cage Edition
Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is the most bizarre game in the Zelda series; it has those creepy masks that turn you into monsters, that world-killing moon with the haunting teethy grin, and Tingle. Motherfucking Tingle. How could anyone possibly make this game any weirder? Two words: Nicolas Cage.
No! Holy Christ, no!
What you're looking at, in case your brain refuses to comprehend it, is Nicolas Cage's face plastered over Majora's Mask, and we mean both the game and the character. Someone took a not-insignificant amount of time to take every single character in this game (and several inanimate objects) and change their face into Cage's, for no earthly reason. Literally every single character in this game, from the annoying little fairies in the forest ...
"NOT THE FAIRIES! AAAAAHHHHH!"
... to the sexy big one in the fountain.
Remember the little girl who lives in the ranch? She's now Nic Cage.
From the little seen Face/Off sequel, co-starring Dakota Fanning.
And your horse? Nicolas Kim Coppola, known professionally as Cage.
Wow, they didn't even have to change his features to put them on the horse.
Even the scenery has been completely Cage-ified:
Wait, this one was actually in the game already, never mind.
We might as well tell you right now that, in this technically playable but in practice utterly intolerable version of the game, everything from the treasure chests you open to the rupees you collect now sport the face of Nicolas Cage. Why? Not even the guys who did this know for sure. In the description of the video, they only say: "We had no goal, only Cage."
Which was also the exact reason Cage gave for doing Ghost Rider.
In short, there's nothing to do in this game but surrender to Nicolas Cage and learn to accept Him in your life. After all, what is the sun but Cage, and what is the moon but Cage?
Oh God, we keep pressing "B," but nothing happens.
Hmm, now we kinda want a crossover between this and the all-Jackie Chan arcade game.
Turn Grand Theft Auto IV into a Humanoid Horse Rampage
A game series like Grand Theft Auto, with dozens of cars, motorcycles, helicopters, planes, and various other methods of conveyance, is missing just one thing: horses. Because, you know, when there's a sports car on every corner, sometimes you just really feel like John Wayne-ing some shit. This is exactly why we have Red Dead Redemption.
But apparently whoever made this mod completely misunderstood the idea of adding rideable horses to Grand Theft Auto IV, because they made Nico Bellic, Eastern-European criminal kingpin, into a horse instead.
That may seem disappointing, but now you can do all the things you never knew you wanted to see a horse do, like perform horsey drive-bys ...
"Farmer Brown says hello, bitches."
... go on an RPG-toting rampage ...
Horses only walk like that when they mean business.
... or beat someone to death with a baseball bat.
Wow. That's actually irony.
Basically, you can turn the game into Scarface meets Seabiscuit. Finally, the people of Liberty City will live in fear of Horse. The city will belong to Horse. And if they try to stop you? Well ...
You don't fuck with Horse.
Minecraft, as we've established, is a game where you can make basically anything. That kind of thing appeals to two sorts of people -- creative types who want to make awesome new things like the world has never seen and people with the maturity of 10-year-olds who want to make extremely elaborate representations of bodily functions. You can guess which of the two we're going to talk about.
First up, we've got the Minecraft poop mod. It lets you poop, just like in real life, but you can do it in Minecraft instead! This is obviously an experience that was sorely missing from such an open-ended game.
And apparently also from this mod.
It's a little weird, because basically you just stand over a toilet, then use toilet paper on the toilet water, which gives you shitty toilet paper, and you then can craft it into nigh-indestructible, fecal-hardened weapons, armor, and building material, which is not where we would have guessed this was going at all. We can draw two conclusions here: One, this person has never used a toilet, and two, they have an extremely poor diet if they think you can craft shit into anything other than a larger, grosser shit.
Then, there's the Minecraft sex mod. It's just as erotic and mature as it sounds, which is not at all. There's nothing quite like watching two block people, desperately hunched over and humping like rabbits to really make you question if we're really putting modern technology to its best use.
And if you thought the poop mod showed a horrible misunderstanding of how basic anatomy and biology work, then you ain't seen nothing yet. The Minecraft sex mod requires you to build a giant, gold "SEX" card using basic items, which you then use to spawn a nude woman who immediately wants to jump on your square, rigid boner. She literally does nothing else.
Do ... we even censor that?
Then you begin the horrifying mating ritual (the only proper way to describe it) where your character kind of ... jives with her? It's not really thrusting so much as your knees repeatedly buckling, like you're having strange fainting spells over and over.
Maybe just seeing a naked lady has given poor old Minecraft Steve the vapors.
Super Nazi Mario and Extreme Weiner Sonic
There are some classic games that even the most novice of gamers has played a million times, like Pac-Man, Super Mario Bros., or the immortal Shaq Fu. While these games are still endlessly replayable today, you just reach a point where going through the same landscapes and looking at the same enemies gets a little repetitive. Some modders have solved this problem by taking the time to modify these classics they love so much ... and replacing everything with genitalia.
That's Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3, perhaps the most accurate name ever given to a video game. It's actually just Super Mario Bros. 3, only Mario is dressed in a Ku Klux Klan robe and goes around smashing vaginas. That is not a euphemism.
We're really, really hoping he's dumb enough to put this on a resume.
Ah, but that's not the only difference with the original game. Far from it. Instead of the classic feather power-up, when you hit blocks you get floating condoms ...
... and instead of turning into a raccoon, touching them turns you into a giant flying penis.
Which, come to think of it, makes the exact same amount of sense.
Even if this was only created as a parody of other game mods, the amount of work put into this thing is pretty impressive. Instead of question mark blocks, you hit "NUDE GIRLS" signs. Instead of Star Mans, needles make you invincible (this one actually makes more sense). Instead of fire balls, you shoot little swastikas. You get the idea.
"This will show Phil from Kinkos my attention to detail!"
Mario's foremost rival couldn't be left behind, which is why a guy modified Sonic Generations to turn Sonic into a big cock. Again, not a euphemism.
There are no jokes that can be made about this image.
You can see Dong Sonic in action in this quite NSFW video, which YouTube hasn't deleted for the same reason that school textbooks don't cover the Venus de Milo's boobies -- it is a work of art. It's the exact same game, only Sonic is now a super fast penis jumping around and grinding its balls against rails.
He looks pretty happy to be doing that, too.
Give Birth to a Baby in Second Life
Second Life is a game for people who think the Internet isn't insane enough and prefer to carry on their online interactions through Tom Hanks' dead-eyed character in The Polar Express. Unlike every other game in this list, Second Life actually encourages modding, so, of course, one of the first things the users figured out how to do was making their characters have sex with each other -- that's not surprising. What is surprising is that they followed this thought through to the point where you get pregnant and suffer through a graphic and unsettling childbirth process:
Obviously, C-section is the only type of childbirth worth simulating.
Yep, there's a mod for this game that allows your avatar to give birth to a baby, because let's face it, if you're heavily in Second Life the chances of that ever happening in real life are kind of slim. You can even get a trained medical professional (read: some bored lady in front of a computer, surrounded by cats) to assist and guide you through the delivery of your fake offspring.
It's always reassuring when your doctor has had 14 butt implants.
Not scared yet? Watch this video where the player controlling the "doctor" spends the whole time talking to the character giving birth, helping it breathe and keeping track of its contractions. Damn it, lady, this isn't what John Atari created video games for.
"You're gonna have to drive yourself to school today, Timmy. I'm pretending to deliver a baby on the Internet."
The action then moves to a hot tub, because this isn't just a batshit insane digital birth -- it's a batshit insane digital water birth. Meanwhile, the mother-to-be starts letting out screams and moans that were probably intended for a more erotic context, while her husband just stares at her in silence.
Later in life, Bane reversed his color palette and impregnated a mannequin.
And then, after painful minutes of labor, a small child instantly materializes on the mother's crotch, because that's how childbirth works.
"I'm bored already. Let's go have sex with a unicorn or something."
And now you have a video game baby. Congratulations. So, what are you supposed to do with the thing now? Well, here's an idea ...
The Sims 2's Baby-cue Mod
We've explored some of the horrors of The Sims series in the past, from monster babies to the depths of madness, but, as you probably already guessed, the deepest, darkest underbelly in the otherwise family-friendly game comes from its modding community. There are, of course, the ubiquitous nude patches and sex mods, because why shouldn't there be? Numerous unlicensed characters, objects, and other things are also pretty common fodder.
But shit also gets real dark real fast. We're betting you never had an urge to take your Sims baby and toss it on the grill for a nice family meal, right? Because someone did, and they made it into a mod for The Sims 2.
Remember, this is a game where one of your main concerns is getting to the bathroom on time.
This hits pretty much all the right notes for utterly horrible shit. Baby killing? Check. Cannibalism? Check. Just the way the mom throws the kid up in the air before settling it down on the grill is disturbing enough, but then the mail carrier screams while watching in horror and a wandering dog howls mournfully, making it even creepier.
Come on. If you're going to make a mod like that, you make everyone show up and cheer like it's a party.
And then you see the weirdly detailed crispy baby skin, the mom puts it on a plate and takes it inside (while another Sim dumps their garbage on the lawn in the background, which adds a further eerie touch), and it kind of makes you just want to develop a self-destruct system that only affects specific parts of the Internet.
"Dear humanity. This note will never reach you, for you no longer exist."
Add Some Randy Savage and Horse Vaginas to Skyrim
If you played Skyrim for any length of time, you might think it has just about anything a gamer could want. Crafting, fighting dragons, insane Swedish guys punching everything. But some fans decided that wasn't cutting it, because it just didn't have enough gorilla shit crazy slathered on top of it.
Observe, for example, this mod, which takes all the dragons in the game (there are a bunch) and replaces them with a weird, elongated model of Macho Man Randy Savage, complete with sound effects. We argue that this actually improves the game, because there is a definite shortage of dragons in pop culture that shout "YEAH!" before they breathe fire on everything.
"Slim Jim" in this case means an actual skinny guy named Jim.
It's definitely weird, but it's also silly. You can imagine it was made with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Meanwhile, this mod that adds realistic vaginas and anuses to all the game's horses:
Yep, you just found our line. And that line is horse vagina.
Yeah, those are intricately modeled horse muffs, and there's pretty much only one reason that someone made those -- because they wanted to see them there. Most gamers are perfectly content not to see a horse's business in a video game. Those people are not the target audience for Gary's Real Mare Horse Mod.
Furthermore, looking just under the surface reveals not one, but two further horrors: First, Gary probably had to spend a lot of time looking at images of horse vaginas to create this mod. (Or, God forbid, he created them from memory.)
Second, there are not one, but two acknowledgements for "motivation" in the credits section. He had two separate people telling him that he couldn't quit. He probably said something at one point like, "I don't think I can finish this horse snatch mod, you guys." And they replied, "No, Gary. You have to finish it. For all of us."
Maxwell Yezpitelok is on Twitter and if you follow him he'll let you forget what you just saw. You can buy Ashe's first book, The Book of Word Records, on Amazon.com right now! Special thanks to the fine posters in this thread. We love you all. Romantically.
For more creepy video game moments, check out 8 Creepy Video Game Urban Legends (That Happen to Be True) and 7 Creepy Video Game Easter Eggs You'll Wish Were Never Found.