So if you've been squeezing and grunting and pushing with all your might but can't manage to force out a Tom Selleck face badge, wipe that blood from your nostrils and/or eye sockets and get ready for some life-changing news -- you may be a prime candidate for mustache surgery. To the delight of hipsters and alopecic lumberjacks everywhere, this is totally a thing.
Through a process called follicular unit extraction (which is a fancy way of saying "we pull your goddamned hair out"), dense groups of hair are harvested from other areas of the body and surgically crammed into your upper lip. It's essentially the same as scalp implants, only confined entirely to the space between your mouth and nose.
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"Without facial hair, I'm basically a dude in a ghost costume."
Mustache surgery is a growing trend in the Middle East, where thick mustaches are a sign of maturity, power, and prestige, sort of like a bushy "A+" you wear on your face. The way the mustache droops, curls, or bristles can even determine a man's political leanings, a system we feel should be incorporated into politics everywhere.
Finally, a less ridiculous alternative to powdered wigs.