The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures
#3.
The Tongue Patch
Much like that "Slippery When Wet" patch that you still inexplicably have sewn onto your acid washed denim jacket, the tongue patch is, well, a patch that's sewn onto your tongue.
If you're thinking people get these to cover the hole from an old tongue piercing, well, that's actually quite a bit less retarded than the real reason. No, the thing is essentially a torture device intended to force you to diet.
The patch makes eating solid food so painful that the only nourishment possible to take in is liquid. Not a horrible situation really, until you consider that the point is to lose weight and relying on Natty Light for your nourishment would spit in the face of everything you're trying to accomplish.
The patch stays sewed onto your tongue for a month so you can shed 15-30 pounds in the most horrific manner possible this side of tape worms.
The Price
About $1,000.
The Side Effects
After just seven days, a liquid only diet can cause hair loss, fainting, gallstones and comas. Comas! Read that again slowly if need be. This liquid diet lasts for an entire month. Your body will lose weight, but not all of the body weight lost is fat. For those who don't know much about nutrition, the highest quality proteins available come in the form of solid food. When your body doesn't receive the necessary protein, shit gets real. Your body goes all John Dillinger on itself and will rob protein from wherever it can get it, usually from muscles and organ tissue.
This can lead to other bad things, not the least of which being that your body is eating its own muscle and organ tissue. Oh, and that weight you lost? Most of it will come right back when you reintroduce delicious baby back ribs into your diet.
People Actually Do This?
Eh, unlike the other stuff on the list, this one is debatable. According to this article, the tongue patch "is taking California by storm - ten people have it." While 10 people may qualify as a good starting point for a decent sized cult, it certainly doesn't make for a plastic surgery craze. Nevertheless, the procedure does exist. And if those skinny jeans you're rocking right now have anything to say about it, you may want to look into it.
#2.
Knee Lift
Who among us hasn't been in the uncomfortable situation of preparing to breach the border of Boningville when, suddenly, you catch a glimpse of your mate's floppy, shriveled knees and find that it's enough to put you off sex forever?
Neither have we, but it must be a problem, because knee lifts really exist. It's a simple tuck procedure where sagging skin is removed and the remaining skin is stitched back together tight to create a more "youthful" appearing knee.
The Price
Approximately $8,000.
The Side Effects
Other than visible scarring, side effects are minimal. But unlike a tummy tuck or a breast lift, there's nowhere to hide the scars from a knee lift. Unless you wear pants, which we rarely do.
People Actually Do This?
You know how, despite being approximately 109-years old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn hot? That doesn't happen by accident. It takes years and years of eating right and exercising and just generally taking good care of ones self. Oh, and also a plastic surgery budget the likes of which could finance the invasion and overthrow of a mid-level dictatorship.
What the fuck?!
In Demi Moore's case, part of that budget was spent tightening up her unsightly knee flaps. But hey, if it meant cashing in a life of platonic family time with Bruce Willis for a fun-filled marriage with Ashton Kutcher, wouldn't you do it too? No need to answer that, we already know you would.
#1.
Prosthetic Testicles... For Your Dog
So, let's say you've bought every kind of plastic surgery the medical profession has thought of, but still have cash left over. What now?
Hey, the dog has seemed a little down recently. He's probably jealous of all the plastic surgery you're having! Come here, Fluffy! You're going under the knife!
But what kind of surgery would a dog want? Surely an eye lift isn't going to do a Rottweiler any good. Oh! How about some nice fake balls.
Yes, now a neutered animal can have solid silicone implants placed in its ball sack to replicate the look and feel of testicles. There are many different sizes to accommodate all pets; from dogs, cats, horses, bulls, monkeys, prairie dogs and even rats. Fake rat balls, you guys!
The Price
$109 to $1,800.
The Side Effects
According to a Neuticles ad:
"Dogs neutered with NEUTICLES do not realize they have been neutered [and] do not suffer post neutering trauma." Sounds awesome, yeah? Your pet won't suffer any of that post-ball removal malaise that pet owners dread. What's that? Pet owners haven't noticed any change in their pet's demeanor after being snipped? Well fuck you, pet owners, it's a real condition. The people that invented Neuticles discovered it! And they won the prestigious IG Nobel Peace Prize for their work. Their website says so. Sure, the IG Nobel Peace Prize is to science what the Razzie Awards are to acting chops, but still, they won y'all!
People Actually Do This?
It is estimated in 2009 the U.S. will spend 45.4 billion dollars on their pets. There are over 100 countries in the world that don't make that much money in a year. One of the biggest trends that has been picking up steam in the past few years is pet plastic surgery. As for Neuticles, business is going so well they actually offer pretenda-balls in several different sizes and textures. This means that there are people out there choosing prosthetic pet testicles based on which one they believe will feel better inside their pet's sack.
We know what you're asking: "What if I want to give my kitty cat gigantic tennis ball-sized nuts for my own amusement?" The answer is, it can't hurt to ask!
How fucking big is that dog?!?
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And check out some men that could probably use some of this surgery, in The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Or find out who the cat woman is, in 7 People Who Never Gave Up (But Absolutely Should Have).
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I wish this were not true, but my vet said that a lot of men don't want to neuter their dogs because they look neutered afterwards, and the men way, way over-identify with their dogs, it seems. She offers neuticle implants at the time of neutering, in the hope that it will increase the rate of pet dog neutering overall. Since she does the implants at the time of neutering (she won't implant them in dogs that were neutered a long time ago), the owner just pays for the cost of the implant on top of the regular cost of the surgery.
ReplyShe says she's seen a rise in neutering appointments, but she doesn't know whether it's people who would otherwise not have had their dogs neutered at all, or would have just had it done somewhere else. She also has no actual stats on whether men are choosing neutering with implants over not neutering in large numbers, but based on the fact that she it seems to be a difficult decision for men, and that men, in her estimation, wait longer than women to bring in their male dogs, she thinks it's probably because they wrestle with the decision-- she has to do more talking them into it-- women just ask how soon and what the cost is.
The downside, I suspect, is that men will wait until the dog is full-grown, or nearly so, so it can receive the "correct" adult-sized implants, which isn't as healthy for the dog as being neutered young.
I think you - or at least your vet - are full of shit. I've never heard of a man not wanting to take his dog to get neutered because of empathy. That's just retarded. You don't have to feel empathic about getting your dog's nuts lopped off - they're not idiots. The constant downtrodden looks they give you as they try to chew on their shriveled nutsack is guilt enough. There's no reason for a man to self-impose that guilt, and anyone who has had more than one pet and actually raised the damn things themselves know that the whole neutering option is more along the lines of "Do I want this animal to breed? No, I do not. Place his testicles in a jar, please." I can't imagine any person, male or otherwise, would give up neutering their pet because of such a stupid reason. Any dog owner who has had to uncomfortably laugh away their dog's red rocket would agree with me.
The information on plastic surgery is good and I am sure that it will clear some of the doubts of the people.The information is good and I am sure that it will clear some of the doubts of the people.
Replyhttp://www.laderma.com/breast-enlargement.asp
You are the most well-spoken spambot I have ever come across. Bravo.
$109 to $1,800 to give a rat horse testicles. Seems like value for money to me.
Replythe anal retentive music nazi in me would like to point out that it's not morrisey buffalo bill is dancing to, but q lazzarus. *sighs* i feel better now.
Replyconcerning the Chinese torture device that is the diet tongue patch (still incredibly stupid), whats to keep people from blending solid foods into liquid form? same nutritional value right? helloooooo steak smoothie
ReplyNot that steak smoothies wouldn't be amazing, but if someone gets surgery for the sole purpose of inflicting pain and misery, you can't hold them to any kind of common sense.
Pet plastic surgery has to be made illegal immediately. The fake nuts thing isn't so bad if it's done while the dog's being neutered already, i guess, but the silicone ear implants for perking up a dog's floppy ears is just evil. And ridiculous! Floppy dog ears are adorable!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI agree, it's downright inhumane! I also agree the fake nuts MAY help a male animal but then again they can't produce testosterone which the lack of this hormone is what cases the after neuter depression.
Which is why neutering a puppy usually doesn't produce notable effects on the dog, while neutering an adult dog does. But Jerks who want neuticles are now going to wait until their dogs are full-grown before neutering, in order to get the adult-sized implants.
Cripes. I know most vets really, really want a male dog neutered because it reduces aggression, and makes them less likely to get all kinds of cancers, but I wish they'd just effing offer vasectomies to the dog owners (well, the dogs of owners) who are so over-identified with their dogs, they don't care if it humps every stray in the neighborhood, keeping the local shelter full to the brim, just as long as the dog has balls.
@rivkahchaya: My dog seems to be an exception to this. He was neutered as a puppy, but has grown up to be the biggest p***y in all of dog-dum.
"Fake rat balls, you guys!"
ReplyMy jaw dropped at the doggie fake nuts. I was like, "WHY?!"
ReplyI kind of like the idea of modestly pointed ears, especially since I'm currently writing a story about elves. :3
ReplyI have to admit as a nerd the elf ear thing actually sounds cool.
I wonder if Trinny & Susannah gave someone the idea for toe-tucking?
ReplyAre those Cinderella's step-sisters?
I support micropigmentation. Why? BECAUSE I'M A PIERROT! And a terrible person.
Reply"Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984."
Reply1984? You mean George Orwell's terrifying dystopian novel? OH GOD THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE
Yeah, I've heard of Neuticles. My mom and I were trying to buy some Great Dane sized ones for my grandmother's 2-pound teacup Chihuahua. xD They were bigger than his freaking head. ;w;
ReplyWhat a stud!
This was pretty good, except I think "body modification" would be a better term for some of these. Tattoos aren't really considered plastic surgery as, and that tongue patch is debatable since it appears that it is removed at some point. Plastic surgery changes form and/or function... tattoos certainly don't do that, and the tongue patch only does so temporarily.
Replydisregard that misplaced "as"... I think I was going to extend that thought, but was distracted.
Apparently Kim Kardashian got Neuticles for her dog. We are all so surprised.
Replymy mom actually got micropigmentation because she was constantly penciling her eyebrows because she just didn't have any. literally no eyebrows. she looks really good now since they did relatively natural looking eyebrows.
ReplyNow that sounds like a legitimate use for the procedure. But we all know that there are gonna be a lot of people who are going to do this just cos it saves them a minute dressing in the morning or cos flashing a painted smile is more reliable and less bothersome than actually putting up with their boss' jokes.
But yes, for the few legitimate uses like your mom's, the process should endure. But sleazy marketing and idiot customers need to be curbed. But how?? We have only Cracked to rely on for suggestions.
I think it's also how areolas are created on reconstructed breasts when no nipple tissue at all was able to be saved. Basically, nipples are puckered and tattooed skin, and areolas are further tattooing.
But, there are always going to be "legitimate" uses, depending on your standards.
Personally, I'm not going to begrudge plastic surgeons the money they make on people who want idiot things done, since a lot of them turn around and do pro bono work on burn patients, children with cleft lips, and people with all sorts of problems that affect both looks and function, and who can't afford to have them corrected.
#6 could theoretically make you sound like an old jazz musician if it goes wrong (or horribly right?)
ReplyThe only thing I could hear in my head when I read about Toe Tucking was Nonono Cat O.O
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSo gross... >.
not as bad as the chinese used to do it.
if you didnt know, they used to break the whole foot bone of a little girl and wrap it so it would become a point.and kept it wrapped for years
oh c'mon clown, that was a damned long time ago =(
and it was sexist thing. it wasn't as if those women had a choice.
It wasn't that damned long ago. The last company that made shoes for women with bound feet didn't stop manufacturing them until the early 1990s. 100 years ago, more than a quarter of the adult women in China had bound feet, and the practice did not cease entirely until the end of WWII.
The Chinese Communist government, and the Christian international missionaries are not two of my favorite groups, but they did a lot to end the practice, finally, in the 20th century.
Micropigmentation is called "definitive make-up" in Portuguese. =) I think it's so funny. Women I've met who'd done it said the best thing is that you wake up already all made-up.
ReplyI'm confused. Was the author trying to imply that neutering a dog doesn't affect it's demeanor in any way? If so, the author is terribly misinformed, and probably never owned a (neutered) dog.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesyeah, but your dog's not going to fall into a depression simply because he can't feel his testicles swinging around. as for the demeanor changes it's obviously going to happen no matter what after doing any procedure that changes an animals entire body chemistry and life purpose and prosthetic balls no matter how natural feeling won't do s**t about it. So I believe the author point that this procedure is both ridiculous and completely utterly pointless still stands.
i thought those things were for people who show their dogs, because your animal has to be "intact" to be a show dog.
still retarded. and your dog is perfectly effing fine after being neutered. probably better, actually.
I agree, every male animal I've had neutered was never the same afterward. For whatever reason, the females never seem to care when they're spayed. Hm...
For me, male animals tended to become gentler, less spastic, and were better behaved in general. Which makes sense. My female cats however, turned into complete bitches. Every single one of them. It's like they thought, "Fuck it, I don't have to impress anyone anymore."
Balls produce testosterone, an androgen involved in male sexual organ function and also linked to maleish (so to speak) behavior, you lose the balls, you lose the testosterone and your behavior changes. Plastic balls are obviously incapable of synthesizing said androgen and thus are useless as f**k in terms of restoring the dog's behavior.
Neutered animals become sweeter and less aggressive (and they quit humping your leg lol), but spayed animals get fat and will try to freaking kill you if you pet them wrong. And yes, even fake balls change the animal's behavior, because it doesn't make any hormones, so basically it's like fake boobs. For your dog's nut sack.