German and Hungarian researchers named Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow and Jozsef Gal honestly believed that the best thing they could do for the advancement of science was to studiously observe what came out of a penguin's butthole.
Instead of looking for lost civilizations or efficient new fuels, Benno and Gal snatched their expensive degrees from that fussy old dean at graduation and hightailed it right the hell out of academia. They went straight to Antarctica, where they set up camp, positively giddy with anticipation, and went about studying chinstrap and Adelie penguins to better understand how the flightless birds defecated without stinking up their nest.
Their findings, published in a biology journal under the fooling-nobody title of "Calculations on Avian Defecation," employed an impressive number of algorithms, equations, and graphs to illustrate the many complicated nuances of penguin squats:
Note the log-log scale, which means this is serious shit.
Benno and Gal, a killer comedy-duo name if we've ever heard one, were unquestionably thorough. They calculated the distance that excrement traveled before it hit the ground; they documented the height and shape of countless penguin asses; they even used the Hagen-Poiseuille equation for dynamic pressure to determine the force necessary to shoot poop as far as possible (above). And if that all sounds a little technical and difficult to approach, well, don't worry. It all boils down to this:
"If crap leaves a penguin's butthole at 28 mph, and train B leaves Chicago at 9:30 a.m. ..."
Let's have a hand for Science, everybody.
Ricardo would like to thank Cracked moderator and fashionista David C. Bell for his help in getting this article off the ground.
For more reasons not to trust scientists, check out 9 Real Life Mad Scientists and The 6 Cruelest Science Experiments Ever (Were Done on Kids).