Cracked Round-Up: Debategasm Edition

At this point, it's pretty hip to be tired of all the election year bullshit. We're as guilty of that as any other publication with an uncomfortable focus on penises. But think about where we'll be by this time next year. November looming, with naught but the normally scheduled television line-up to entertain us. If we're not careful, that's the kind of thing that could lead to Elementary getting renewed for another season.

Adam Brown launched our week with celebrities who get more hate than they deserve. Luke McKinney highlighted crazy scientific theories by U.S. politicians. Soren Bowie showed us the dark side of a dark holiday with scary facts no one mentions about Halloween. Brockway played the new Dishonored game and learned terrible things about himself, while Christina H. revealed the dumbest things said this television season. Yes, Revolution provided almost every entry.

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Chris Bucholz wrote a guide to fighting off your murderous clone and John Cheese shared the most common errors of first time job applicants. Gladstone brought our week to an end with the least necessary cover songs of all time. So if you're short on things to do tonight, that comments section should be good for a few dozen arguments.

The 12 Most Ridiculous Old-Timey Transportation Innovations
After researching this, we feel way better about the Segway.

Notable Comment: "Man, it honestly kinda saddens me that we don't have inventions like this stuff nowadays. Sure, it was dangerous, but you gotta admit: old-timey inventors had some damn STYLE."

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Sadly, DodgeballBoy, none of those stylish devils lived long enough to invent anything else.

5 Crazy Ways the Colors Red and Blue Control Your Life
Free will, bested by crayons.

Notable Comment: "Does this mean that Pepsi calms us down but Coke turns us all superhuman?"

VickBear, our corporate sponsors tell us the answer to this question is an enthusiastic "Yes" followed by a reminder that Roto-Rooter, Sturm & Ruger firearms and Dairy Queen are all fine brands as well.

5 Eerily Sophisticated Ways Animals Communicate
And here you are, all proud about your smartphone and its many Angry Birds.
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Notable Comment: "What about that species of primate that is capable of vibrating molecules of air in highly complex modulations, which then travel over the air in waves where it vibrates the membranes of another member of it's species allowing them to exchange complex information? You know the species, humans I think they're called."

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You're a cunning one, D3ADPOOL. Look for our upcoming feature, 'Hey Guys- The Internet Exists!'

5 Insignificant Things That Determine if Someone Likes You
All those people you can't stand? It turns out, there's a reason for some of what they do.

Notable Comment: "so i read this article and last night had a dream i was back in high school and fell over walking into class, except it wasn't even my class, and I looked like a mega spaz. i guess the point is, my dream self is now 20% more likeable than me."

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Oh man, easily 20%. Probably more like 80%, since your dream self didn't do that thing with the walrus and all that hot beeswax. Yeah, we saw.

The 6 Most Hilariously Insane Overreactions All The Time
If you've ever burnt down a girlfriend's house because she was thirty minutes late in feeding your cat, this is the article for you.

Notable Comment: "Is it backwards that I throw my extra change out my car window and can't be fucked to pick up a nickel?"

Backwards? Maybe. But the worst part is, your change chokes literal tens of disease-carrying rodents to death every year. Now they'll never know the joy of bringing the plague to impoverished slums.

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The Rise and Fall of the Most Famous Background Actor Ever
Who is that guy?

The Elections as Understood by a 5-Year-Old
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Horrible Ideas for Sexy Halloween Costumes, If The Other Side Had Won, and What People in Political Campaign Pics are Thinking.