What the hell? Is it because babies born during the sunny, awesome spring months get the false idea that the world always looks like that, then six months later get bummed out by everything turning dead and brown? Because you'd think that they'd get over it after a few cycles. If there's a genetic component to it, what does that mean -- that depressed people are more fertile from August to October? That people with schizophrenia all start boning in April and May? We'd have heard something about that, wouldn't we?

The reality is that nobody is really sure what causes it. The researchers believe that it might have something to do with temperature, which can affect the way brain cells are arranged in a developing fetus. Babies are not microwave-safe, nor can they be kept in a refrigerator, but children born in the spring have experienced both extremes during their nine months in the womb. Or maybe it's that pregnant women eat different diets during the winter months, or that less time in the sun affects vitamin D levels. Or maybe it's, like, astrology or something.

Nope, and in fact, if you have an older father, his ancient sperm makes you more likely to be born with autism or schizophrenia.

A study done in Iceland involving about 80 different sets of parents with no mental disorders who had given birth to autistic or schizophrenic children found that the risk of having a child with either affliction increased with the father's age (the mother's age had no effect). The reason for the increased risk is related to the way sperm is produced in a man's body -- sperm just kind of clones itself over and over again, like a Dilbert cartoon in an office Xerox machine.

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"These simple witticisms are the only things keeping me from taking this whole place down in a cleansing bath of flame."

And as with a Xerox machine, each subsequent copy is a little less sharp than the previous one -- each generation of sperm has an increased chance of mutation over the last. While none of these are the bitching kind of mutations that let you shoot lasers out of your face, most are relatively harmless. However, some of these mutations have been linked to autism, schizophrenia and other mental disorders, a connection that was totally supported by the Icelandic study. Of the cases they examined, as many as 30 percent could be attributed to the snowy white Albert Einstein hairs beginning to sprout from the father's musty old beanbag.

The estimated risk is admittedly low (maybe about 2 percent for a man in his 40s), but the number of sperm mutations steadily increases with each passing year. For example, a 20-year-old father has about 25 genetic mutations swirling around in his gravy orbs. Once he hits 40, that number is around 65. While it is by no means a guarantee that older men will father autistic and/or schizophrenic children, parents are definitely rolling the dice each year that they wait.

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The MSNBC version of this graph has dicks for the axes.

So why does this happen? Once again, nobody is certain. The scientists involved with the study think that the increased suicide risk might have something to do with the lack of oxygen in the air so far above sea level. Even a comparatively small depreciation of oxygen can put severe metabolic stress on the brain, which can either plant the seed of crazy or stoke the fires of pre-existing madness like a gasoline-spewing Gary Busey.

Research shows that cases become more prevalent closer to the equator. Southern states in the U.S. report more summer SAD victims, and in the hottest parts of India (which you may recognize as an entire country situated almost directly above the equator), the condition is actually common -- more people there suffer from summer SAD than winter SAD, possibly because India is a place where winter does not exist.

Scientists aren't really sure why this happens to some people, but they do have some guesses. For one thing, heat does things to the body, like suppressing the thyroid hormone, which results in a severe energy drain that is a telltale symptom of depression and could explain why summer SAD victims stay in bed all day. High temperatures also stimulate a specific hormone called prolactin, which sounds like that foot fungus repellent John Madden sells but totally isn't. Prolactin can block the effects of dopamine, better known as the feel-good juice your body produces in response to pleasurable stimulation. It is essentially the only reason anybody does anything, and if a person's ability to feel the effects of dopamine were blocked (say, by warm weather), he or she would be one sad bastard.

Interestingly, many antidepressants actually lower a person's body temperature, which seems to further indicate some relationship between heat and debilitating misery.

And no, this doesn't mean that you should sprint to the nearest KFC with an armload of ice cream and chocolate sauce and make a Famous Bowl sundae. If you fill yourself with fatty foods and sweets, you're essentially loading your body with insulin, to the point that your brain will no longer respond to it. And when your brain can't respond to insulin, it can't make new memories, leaving you with the same symptoms as dementia. As soon as you get home from the Colonel's grease-bucketed shame dispensary, you'll forget that you were just there, and you'll hop right back into your Aspire and haul yourself down the road for another five-piece meal in an endless cycle, like a fat Memento.

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"Goddamn movie still makes no sense."

Diets high in sugar and fat can also lead to depression and schizophrenia, because science isn't doing its job unless it is spoiling everything that has ever made you happy. Sugar suppresses a vital growth hormone in the brain called BDNF, which affects memory (did we mention that already?). Low BDNF levels are characteristic of schizophrenics and people suffering from depression, which, as fate would decree, is compounded by a low intake of fish and seafood.

So basically, you can't eat a damned thing without ruining your brain.

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"Damned if you don't mind if I do."

You can read more from XJ at his writing blog, and he'll love you for an entire minute if you follow him on Twitter. You can look at Nadia's Flickr here.

For more ways you're killing yourself, check out The 5 Strangest Ways Your Mind Can Get Your Body Sick and 8 Health Foods That Are Bad For Your Health.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 5 Extremely Stupid Things People Did to Get Rid of Pests.

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