Cracked Round-Up: Sleep Deprivation Study Edition

Did you guys know that conducting medical studies qualifies a business for big honkin' tax breaks from the government? Cracked's sexiest accountants just figured this out, and Jack O'Brien wasted no time in seeing that we qualify in time for this year's taxes. Our current research project: seeing how long a team of office staffers can function without sleep of any kind. We're up to nine days so far and, aside from that one intern we cooked and ate, everyone seems to be doing well.

We'll never forget you Pieter. Your sacrifice has guaranteed us literally dozens of dollars in rebates.

If you've been enjoying sex a little too much (or at all) lately, Soren has a list of music videos that will set your libido to rights. Christina looked at unexpected downsides of the switch to E-Books while Chris Bucholz sort of defended George Lucas. With Phantom Menace 3D on the horizon, we may be the last people to type those words for a very long while. Robert Brockway detailed the robot infiltration of our world as Adam Brown explained how customer service really works. John Cheese defended the Internet with cold hard facts and a generous middle finger to the entertainment industry. Luke McKinney looked at the wrong ways to defend yourself against charges of sexism. Dan O'Brien kept the comedy train chugging along with the Andrew Jackson chapter of his book on fighting presidents.

DRUGGED UP CRITTERS

6 Surprisingly Advanced Ways Animals Use Medicine And here we are, wasting trillions of dollars on medical research like fools.

Notable Comment: "All of my pill bottles are child-safe. None of them are parrot safe! What shall become of my parrot!?"

If we had to guess, LobsterMobster, we'd say he's about to have a great goddamn night.

SEX WHAT

The 5 Weirdest Reasons We Have Sex (According to Science) For a bunch of Internet comedy writers, we sure write about sex a lot. That must mean we're pretty damn awesome at it.

Notable Comment: If you want to read exhaustive arguments over the evolutionary purpose of the female orgasm by people with no medical or academic qualifications, this is the comments section for you.

BAD DECISION

6 Terrifying User Agreements You've Probably Accepted But yeah, you should totally keep on clicking 'accept' without a second's consideration. That'll never come back to bite you in the ass.

Notable Comment: "This is why I'll be living in a solar-powered, walled compound in BFE with my pre-1972 computerless vehicles, many guns and apocalypse stash. Big Brother can watch/screw everyone else still wanting their precious facebook accounts and itunes."

Our guess? Buddy1holly's off-the-grid lifestyle will last exactly as long as it takes for him to realize what a pain in the ass life without Google is.

HIDDEN MEANING

7 Horrifying Historical Origins of Famous Corporate Logos You'll never look at an ambulance the same way after reading this article.

Notable Comment: "I think Pontiac once had a car named the "Banshee" but then quickly realized what a banshee actually was (an Irish omen of death) and renamed their car the "Firebird.""

DeadPoolX, anyone who has ever owned a Firebird will agree that they still represent an omen of death.

REAL ESTATE

6 Abandoned Places That Will Make Awesome Supervillain Lairs Start saving now, kids.

Notable Comment: "If I lived in any of these places, there is no way in hell I could resist the urge to place my pinky next to my mouth. No way."

We're actually pretty sure that's mandatory behavior within a thousand feet of any of these locations.

Hot Garbage

Why Being in a Horror Movie Can Screw Up Your Relationship Y'know, outside of seeing your partner disemboweled.

YOU YOU YOU!

When Video Game Characters Finally Snap We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Signs Were Actually Helpful, Real Life Plot Twists That Explain Everything and Video Games as Understood By Old People. And our dialogue-based contest, What Movie Background Characters are Thinking/Saying.