Apparently the thieves aren't just really excited about the news; they're looking for coupons. Johnson points the blame directly at reality shows like TLC's Extreme Couponing, which follows a bunch of people who manage to save hundreds of dollars a week by obsessively snipping thousands of coupons out of newspapers in exchange for having some kind of life. And the coupon thefts spike dramatically whenever the show is on the air.
Also spiking dramatically -- therapist bills; TVs thrown out of windows; the downfall of society.
Johnson even once nabbed a guy who made such a living off stolen coupons that he was driving a Cadillac Escalade from stand to stand, ripping off coupons like they were stacks of free cash. Another alleged coupon bandit, Sybil Hudson, faces a $4,000 fine and up to a year in jail. But it's worth it, because according to Hudson, couponing "saves millions of bucks." But can't you take some of the cash you saved and just buy the damned newspapers?
No, of course not, because then you wouldn't look as fucking crazy as these people.
In September and October of 2011, students at Ft. King Middle School were treated to a series of anonymous donations that appeared on their doorsteps like tiny Christmas miracles. Unfortunately, the gifts were fresh human turds.
When the constipation fairy comes around, you'd be glad for such a gift.
After four separate incidents of human shit being dropped unsolicited outside a classroom entrance, police set up a security camera to catch the generous philanthropist in the act of sharing.
Now, clearly this is going to turn out to be a student, right? Some angry kid mad at a teacher and playing a juvenile prank? Who else would take the time to poop in a paper bag and transport it all the way to the school, day after day?
But, no, the security footage they obtained led them to the arrest of 23-year-old Kenneth Martin Sorsony:
Otherwise known as the dreaded Poofinger.
... who looks like he was doing a big poop while they were taking his mugshot.
We would like to believe that it was all some kind of elaborate, albeit obscure, political satire. Something so brilliant in its style and execution that we mere peons can only speculate wildly about its layers of meaning. But after seeing the mugshot, we have to conclude that this is just a guy who really, really loves to poop.
And who are we to call him a crazy disturbing bastard?
For more crimes that left our mouths agape, check out The 5 Creepiest Unsolved Crimes Nobody Can Explain and The 5 Most Baffling Attempts to Smuggle Live Animals.