6 Real Acts of Self Defense Too Awesome for an Action Movie
If you kill a man who's trying to kill you, that's not called murder, it's called self-defense. And it is a perfectly reasonable if somewhat tragic consequence of crime. Both the people and the law will understand your actions in defending yourself and others.
Up to a reasonable point.
These stories are all so far beyond Reasonable Point that they need a GPS and a Coast Guard escort to find their way back.
World's Tiniest Nazi Hunter
It's 1939 New York, and a diminutive Jewish gentleman is strolling the streets, just generally going about his business, which may or may not revolve around being Jewish and tiny -- we're not here to assume. And then he spots a sign outside an unadorned building simply reading "No dogs or Jews allowed." Anger wells up within him, and despite all better judgment, our 5'4" hero storms off to fetch himself a ladder and a bat. When he returns, he tears the sign from the wall and hurls it to the ground, where it lands ... right at the feet of the 20 or so angry Nazis watching from below.
"Look, there he is! Where we're pointing! Get him!"
Yes, the building was a Nazi headquarters, and it was just chock full of violent, racist assholes. They knocked over the small man's ladder and closed in on him from all sides. One thing was for sure: Somebody wasn't walking away from this fight.
And that "somebody" was 20 Nazis.
Because our tiny hero was, at the time, the world's strongest man.
We're guessing the Carrot Top 'fro threw them.
Joseph Greenstein, aka the Mighty Atom, was a renowned circus strongman, and he quite reasonably proceeded to beat the shit out of every Nazi he could lay his little hands on. He knocked back over a dozen men, breaking arms, noses, legs and presumably the hearts of treasure-hunting femmes fatales everywhere. Joe was arrested and taken to court after the fracas, where he was charged with dozens of counts of battery. The judge, being unable to fathom one man causing so much damage, asked the arresting officer if all of the men involved in the fight were standing before him. Surely, he thought, Joe had accomplices who simply got away.
"Have we ruled out the possibility of jet packs?"
And as expected, the officer answered, "No, they're not."
Then, before the judge could finish nodding smugly, the officer clarified that there were still half a dozen Nazis in the hospital too hurt to attend court. Presumably, this exchange was punctuated by a double-take, two spit-takes and a monocle pop.
The officer went on to point out, however, that the men attacked Joe, not the other way around. When asked why, the officer simply speculated: "They're Nazis."
All these stormtroopers were barely able to occupy Joe's bathroom.
The case was immediately dismissed. And Joe's bat was entered into evidence, crated up and stored in a massive government warehouse with all of the other mythical artifacts, never to be seen again.
Justice Is Blind, and Also Sick of Your Shit
One awful, cowardly, despicable thief thought that he'd spied the easiest mark ever: a blind man. In an act of villainy so egregious and pointless it breaks Snidely Whiplash's suspension of disbelief, the thief sidled up to the handicapped man, threatened him and demanded ... his smokes. That's just crime for crime's sake, at that point.
"I also want your phone number because I have no friends in this town and I'm lonely."
But he wasn't even getting those: The blind man laughed him off and ignored the threats. Then our friendly neighborhood scumbag upped the ante, and actually punched a blind man straight in the face. And before you even muster up some aghast, know that the "helpless" blind man here was none other than the reigning world champion of blind judo. Which, with the exception of "tiger" or "hand grenade," is about the most badass prefix one could possibly add to "judo."
The champ easily wrestled the would-be criminal to the ground, doubtlessly while shouting cigarette-based puns, and when the criminal was properly incapacitated, he called the police for pick up.
"If he learns Braille, he'll be able to read the pattern of bruises I punched into his chest."
The blind man was treated at the hospital for minor cuts and bruises, a bloody nose and a sadly terminal case of the Daredevils.
Do Not Rob the Highlanders; They Do Not Appreciate It
Seeing an open window, a prospective burglar leaped right on into the home of Virgine Ujlaky and began to case the joint. Which is much harder than it sounds when you're pinned to the wall by a sword.
Virgine Ujlaky, you see, was an Olympic-level fencer.
Upon spotting the thief, Ujlaky confronted and attacked him without hesitation, before reluctantly ringing the police to come pick up the pieces she'd grown bored with.
"After separating the head from the neck, I thought, 'Why do a half-assed job?' So his torso is in that tree."
No. Come on. The real world doesn't work like that. Expert sharpshooters don't go around foiling bank robberies with their sniper rifles, and MMA champs don't Batman the local bars on their off-time. Why on earth would she have a sword, the one weapon she was expertly trained in, at the ready at the precise time a home invader chose to attack?
Well, you can accept the boring explanation that the police offer -- that she happened to be practicing right there in the room when the break-in occurred, and the criminal just had a keen sense of comedic timing -- or else you can accept the Cracked explanation: That Highlanders are real, and way more pixie-like and adorable than the movies would have you believe.
This may be the first time someone has been caught leveling up in a photograph.
We seriously advocate the latter, and if you need incentive to believe it, well, how about this: When asked what she thought about the whole experience, Ujlaky merely remarked that she found it to be "good practice."
Highlander as fuck.
Whose House? God's House
Walking into St. Benno Church, our current pair of ill-fated opportunists spied their prize: the church's collection box. Seeing no witnesses save for the silent, judging gaze of all the saints and angels, one of the crooks began to bash the collection box open to get at the sacrilegious prize inside, like a pinata filled with damnation. But God was home that day, and he leaves that "turn the other cheek" stuff to his son: Before the thief could grab a single penny, a life-size statue of St. Antonius fell over and smacked him square in the mouth.
"Dost thou doubt the veracity of this pimp hand? Come, test it."
Not wanting to incite further wrath from God, the pair understandably turned and ran for it. It's a true miracle, isn't it? We have to assume that the hand of Christ turned the thieves' hearts forever afterward, making them repent all of their previo -- oh, wait, looks like they robbed the person who tended to the man's head wound five minutes later.
They may be sinners and bastards, but you have to admit: Those criminals were un-fucking-flappable.
Totally worth it.
SAS Don't Take No Sass
In Manchester, England, a group of lazy car thieves were walking down the street, just trying all of the car doors and hoping for an open one. Lo and behold, glory and hallelujah, they found one! Geoff's gettin' his Burberry on tonight, yo! Inside, the boys found a sweet haul of stereo equipment, personal valuables and, oh yeah -- four armed members of the British Army's Special Air Service.
If we had a picture of those kids' reaction faces, we'd never need to run another article.
See, the SAS just happened to be out on an urban training exercise that day, which the teenagers had inadvertently, hilariously ruined. To their credit, the boys ran like they'd ... well, like they'd just seen four black-clad spec-ops soldiers armed to the teeth and crouching inside a darkened van.
Two of the soldiers gave chase, to give the youths "a bit of a slap."
Considering that the SAS refer to "terminating a terrorist cell" as a "spot of fun," this "a bit of a slap" business may well just mean a good-natured cuff ... or it might mean that the boys and their seed have been wiped clean from the slate of history.
You can tell an ex-SAS officer by the way he pops into your office cubicle "for a chat."
We just don't know, because what ultimately happened to the hooligans afterward is all classified.
Yeeeaahhh ... we're going to go out on a limb here and guess that one does not "classify" a "friendly slap upside the noggin." We'll go with that whole seed-wiping thing, thanks.
The Samurai Stranger
A group of burglars impersonating police officers knocked on a woman's door, forced their way inside and helped themselves to her stuff, as burglars are wont to do. So imagine the surprise and confusion all parties felt when the thieves dressed as police officers were confronted by actual police officers, out of their uniforms. Yes, these hapless criminals had just broken into a police school.
Unwittingly recreating sitcom scenes gets you eight to 10 years in the U.K.
We all know what comes next: The cops swarm out and easily apprehend the criminals, laughing all the way, right? Not so: In this case, the officers were caught off-guard, unarmed and outnumbered. Seeing the weakness, one attacker took advantage and lunged at the nearest officer with a knife ...
Only to have his thrust parried by a passing samurai.
Shit's about to get Naruto-ed.
You heard us: The attack was stopped at the last second by a mysterious stranger armed with a katana, who rushed headlong into the room to defend the officers. Seeing this, the knife-wielding burglar figured one of two things must be happening: Either he was actually facing down the last modern-day bushido warrior, or he'd finally racked up enough bad karma to rend time itself asunder. Luckily, the logical solution to either conundrum was the same: Just run like hell, dude.
And the man with the knife immediately did so.
Or at least he tried, only to be stopped by a series of powerful sword blows. The samurai stranger managed to stop two more of the thieves before disappearing into the night, probably to continue tracking the remaining criminals by their trail of terror-and-disbelief pee.
"Today ends a little safer than yesterday, and with fewer limbs. Samurai, away!"
The officers arrested the remaining criminals, still incapacitated by sword blows and intense confusion, then reported the incident and counted their good fortunes. They also released a statement urging anyone with information about the "Samurai Stranger" -- and yes, that's officially what they called him -- to come forward. The police didn't actually want to thank him, though; they wanted to arrest him. Because, despite saving their lives, owning such a weapon is still illegal in England.
Badassery While Saving Your Fellow Man was outlawed in 1623. It's a surprisingly well-regulated law.
God, he's even persecuted by the people he saves. That's it, world, it's official: We've got our version of Batman.
Karl has a blog and you can be his new best friend on Facebook. He's also working on a book but can't post a link to it, so you'll have to take his word on it ... his filthy, untrustworthy word.
For tactics you should most definitely avoid, check out How to Fight Like Jackie Chan: An Impractical Tutorial and 5 Insane Fighting Manuals (You Probably Shouldn't Listen To).