Their crew will follow you around as you get ready for the event and will stay on you after everyone else has left. That's right, this isn't just some guy with a Handycam: there will be up to five professional cameramen recording your cat's birthday or whatever, using HD equipment. Ten wireless microphones will be placed on the main players (you, your cat, your cat's friends) so that not one word of dialogue is lost. A normal wedding videographer will typically record two or three hours of material at most -- these guys will get close to 60 hours on a one-day event, which is then edited down to a fast-paced single hour program worthy of VH1. Except for the part where anyone would watch it.
But what if you honestly think this stuff is way too interesting to end up buried in the back of a closet? Well, you can also hire the same company to produce your own reality show pilot, which you are then free to pitch to a network.
"Gettysburg Address Cat" is already being developed by A&E, though.
And they aren't even the only ones in the business of making delusional people feel like celebrities: We've told you about the company that made the infamous "Friday" viral video, which that Rebecca Black girl (that is, her parents) actually paid to have made. ARK Music Factory charges between $2,000 and $4,000 for a professional-looking music video including feasibly idiotic pop lyrics and vocals that have been autotuned to shit -- the song was available for sale on iTunes even before it became famous (for being so bad) because that's part of the service. A small price to pay for worldwide scorn!
"Yeah, we 'discovered' you were shit, but we're too busy vomiting money to care."
Erik Germ is the owner of hugefrigginarms.com and can be found on Twitter at hugefrigginarms.
For more toys for the psychotic, check out 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal and 7 Hacks That Turn Everyday Objects into Deadly Weapons.
And stop by LinkSTORM to stick it to the Man.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!