5 New Products Aimed Directly at The Worst People You Know
The Internet is full of useful places that can help you find a job, sell your stuff or locate the exact instances of nudity within a movie, among other basic necessities. But when they say you can get anything on the Internet, they do mean anything. Including services seemingly aimed exclusively toward people with crippling personality disorders.
That's why, for a price, you can ...
Have a Creepy Image of Your Face Stamped on Everything
Can't think of a good present for a friend or family member? Are you also a self-obsessed narcissist who can't stand the fact that people might go a full minute without thinking of you? Well, why not give them a horrifyingly detailed copy of your face? They can even wear it as a mask. Maybe you can make your partner wear it while you have sex.
"For Halloween this year I dressed as a maniac who buys a mask of his own face."
For only $4,000, Real-f will create an exact vinyl replica of your face, copying everything from the pores in your skin to the blood in your eye. For a couple thousand more, you can get a full head, which is somehow even less practical and more creepy. And yes, they offer discounts if you buy more than one of each, like for example if you want to force multiple prostitutes to wear them or want to recreate a nightmare.
Can you spot the real one? Hint: She's wearing a white shirt.
If there's a market for this sort of thing, we can't be that far from full-body robot dupli-- oh shit, they're already doing that, aren't they? Kokoro, the same company that made that terrifying android that stalks hospital patients we once told you about, held a promotion allowing two people to order their own fully functional robot doppelganger for $225,000. The company's top roboticist, Hiroshi Ishiguro, has already made one for himself.
They are now happily married under Japanese law.
Apparently the promotion went well, because in 2011 a Danish professor commissioned one of these from the same guys. And it is extremely creepy. We can't tell if the following video shows the robotic clone being tested or the professor himself twitching from happiness after learning his order went through.
If the price tag on all of these is too prohibitive, you can always go the cheap route with Pillowmob. They'll print a high-res image of your face on a pillow, which you can then gift to anyone you might want to creep the fuck out.
Rape face optional.
That's not a Photoshop, by the way -- that's what the actual product looks like (only with your face instead of that hobo's). Pillowmob prints their pillows at an impressive 180 dots per inch, because the devoted egomaniac won't settle for anything less than complete realism. Don't think Pillowmobs are intended for narcissists only, though: since nothing stops you from sending them someone else's picture, it is also a useful tool for stalkers ...
The pillow is stuffed with his discarded toenail clippings.
... and even animal lovers.
What we're saying is you can put your cock on there.
Pretend You Have a Love Life
We've all met at least one guy with a "long distance girlfriend" so obviously fabricated that it makes a Zooey Deschanel character seem plausible. He might even show you a letter she wrote him using a perfect imitation of his handwriting or a photo that makes her look like a catalog model (mainly because of the perfume ad on the other side). If the guy is especially delusional he might even believe his own crap, increasing the total number of people who are convinced to one.
However, we live in an age when compensatory narcissists no longer have to maintain their own web of lies: they can now pay someone to stay on top of that shit. The website Imaginary Girlfriends allows you to choose from a catalog of "real" pretend girlfriends -- and for only $45, she'll send you scented love letters, emails and pictures and even leave you phone messages that you can "accidentally" play on speaker for everyone to hear.
"Sorry, babe, you can play with my huge dick later. It's Dungeons & Dragons night."
Some of them are also willing to send you special gifts like "a pair of [her] lace panties that you can proudly show your friends," which is only two percent less pathetic than going down to a lingerie store and buying them yourself, like you had to do in high school.
Or buying used ones off eBay.
The fake relationships last two months, at which point the fake girlfriend will send you a heartbreaking letter begging you not to break up with her, the "Renew your subscription" method National Geographic wishes it had thought of. During those two months you will have all the benefits of having a girlfriend with only one catch: You will not actually have a girlfriend. In fact we're pretty sure that using this site disqualifies you from dating anyone, ever.
The site warns you that "There will be no actual real life meetings or relationship between you and your Imaginary Girlfriend" and that "Anyone who has difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy should NOT use this service."
Because delusional people are always the best at telling if they're delusional.
If you like the idea but can't afford the price, there are cheaper options: FakeGirlfriend.co is a free service that lets you add a fake number to your phone under a name of your choosing. You can then send a text message to that number any time and receive a sweet "girlfriend-esque" reply when your friends are around -- if you're lucky, the sender might even be a girl.
But most likely a child in an Indian warehouse.
Create Your Own Fake Career
So what services or technology are there for the manipulative narcissist? Oh, sure, people have been lying about their lives and what they do for a living since time began. But you would always run the risk of getting caught when, say, your new employer calls the Fortune 500 company you used to manage and finds out it's actually a Pizza Hut. That's where CareerExcuse.com comes in -- they are the shady friend who waits by the phone and pretends to be someone else for you.
"That's right, he was head of the Stanford Boning Team. Your clitoris is in good hands."
CareerExcuse.com allows you to use any of their already-established virtual companies as a job reference, "virtual" being a euphemism for "bullshit." If you sign up for their premium service, you can even create a name for the false company (like, say, "Boner Factory") and they'll provide a website, real street address, toll-free number and live phone receptionist -- it's like the plot of a wacky slacker comedy where Jack Black and his friends must convince his boss that he really did work at Boner Factory.
"Unfortunately our merger with them ended when they collapsed and had to pull out."
They'll also write you a fake letter of recommendation, because if you're using their service there's a high possibility that you don't know how to write or read. So basically, this means you can claim to have worked anywhere, at any time and for any amount of money and you will always have someone to back up your story.
"Sorry for the confusion, President Obama, but we had to check."
Because employers value consistency, and because the best way to succeed at a job that you got through lying is naturally by lying some more, the same website also offers a "Funeral Vacation" service in which they'll "act as a Funeral Home and have [their] operators standing by to verify any inquirer's [sic] to your fake deceased." The site states that they will then reroute any flowers received to a real funeral home because, you know, that's the ethical thing to do.
And by "a real funeral home" they mean the one from Six Feet Under, apparently.
But does this really work? According to CNN, CareerExcuse.com has flown under the radar of a lot of companies, but they also warn that "eventually, all liars get found out." Oh, sure, eventually. But for now, we're making that sweet brain surgeon money with nothing more than one year of community college!
Hire Someone to Write Your Biography
Chances are that if you're reading this and you're not, like, George Clooney or something, no one's going to offer to write a book about you any time soon. Typically you need to have done something remarkable or transcendental with your life before getting to the point where people will be interested in reading your biography.
Or you can just, you know, exist.
Unless you're willing to fork out $10,000 to $30,000, that is -- then you can head over to the Remembering Site, where you can hire someone to write down the details of your life and make an actual book out of them. In this case, the one notable accomplishment that made you worthy of a biography was having $10,000 to $30,000 to spend on a biography.
The site offers two methods. The cheaper option involves answering a long series of questions about yourself, including hardballs like "Did you eat lunch at school or go home? Did you bring your own lunch? Did you have a lunchbox? If so, what did it look like?"
At this point most clients break down and confess a murder.
The other method consists of hooking you up with a professional writer who will work with you to ensure the most loyal biographical account of your life possible. Or, at least, the most loyal account you choose to give them. So, when you get to the part about your most valued family heirlooms, what's to stop you from saying that your grandfather left you a pair of his glasses that hold the location of the great and powerful AllSpark? Also, that you're dating Megan Fox.
And you're Zorro.
To be fair, the site is mostly geared toward senior citizens who might want to leave their families something to remember them by or simply have fun doing the questions, but it's also the perfect opportunity for the kind of person who honestly thinks they need a book written about their life -- apparently their youngest author is only 21, and we can't imagine how she would fill a whole book about herself unless it included detailed recaps of every Smallville episode she ever saw. But hey, if you're using this service to stroke your ego, at least the answer to "What's the saddest moment of your life?" is already answered.
The only problem with this is that, well, nobody reads books anymore. No, if you really want to be famous you should be looking at a different medium ...
Pay to Be Treated Like a Celebrity
As annoying as reality TV stars can be, even we have to admit that there's usually a discernible reason, albeit shaky, why those people have their own shows: maybe they were legitimately famous in the '80s, or they're filthy rich and made a porn video, or they are Dog the Bounty Hunter. Are these good reasons? No. But they are reasons.
"He's a bounty hunter named Dog and --" "SOLD!"
Unfortunately, not every individual who craves being the center of attention at all times can be a celebrity -- but that doesn't mean they can't be treated like one. That's why there are companies like Reality Producers that will shoot your completely normal wedding, bar mitzvah or boring event of any type and " it down to a reality-TV-like show complete with graphics, music, characters and a story line."
And an intoxicated Verne Troyer.
Their crew will follow you around as you get ready for the event and will stay on you after everyone else has left. That's right, this isn't just some guy with a Handycam: there will be up to five professional cameramen recording your cat's birthday or whatever, using HD equipment. Ten wireless microphones will be placed on the main players (you, your cat, your cat's friends) so that not one word of dialogue is lost. A normal wedding videographer will typically record two or three hours of material at most -- these guys will get close to 60 hours on a one-day event, which is then edited down to a fast-paced single hour program worthy of VH1. Except for the part where anyone would watch it.
But what if you honestly think this stuff is way too interesting to end up buried in the back of a closet? Well, you can also hire the same company to produce your own reality show pilot, which you are then free to pitch to a network.
"Gettysburg Address Cat" is already being developed by A&E, though.
And they aren't even the only ones in the business of making delusional people feel like celebrities: We've told you about the company that made the infamous "Friday" viral video, which that Rebecca Black girl (that is, her parents) actually paid to have made. ARK Music Factory charges between $2,000 and $4,000 for a professional-looking music video including feasibly idiotic pop lyrics and vocals that have been autotuned to shit -- the song was available for sale on iTunes even before it became famous (for being so bad) because that's part of the service. A small price to pay for worldwide scorn!
"Yeah, we 'discovered' you were shit, but we're too busy vomiting money to care."
For more toys for the psychotic, check out 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal and 7 Hacks That Turn Everyday Objects into Deadly Weapons.
And stop by LinkSTORM to stick it to the Man.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!