The Terrifying Company Behind The Web's Worst Music Videos
So the buzz with the morons on the Internet last week centered around this incredible music video, "Friday." If you're not on the Internet (good for you!) I'll provide a quick summary here. The video features a young singer named Rebecca Black, singing about the various issues with Friday. Musically, the qualities which one normally calls musical are not specifically present. Miss Black's vocals have been autotuned about seven levels past the boundaries of good taste, resulting in a chorus -- "Friday, Friday, Friday" -- which provoke the same mix of emotions one feels while listening to someone break in to a car. Offsetting these downsides are the lyrics, which can be described as nothing less than extremely accurate:
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Yesterday was Thursday (Thursday).
Today is Friday (Party)...
Tomorrow is Saturday.
And Sunday comes afterward.
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The video also features a rap.
In short, it's not great. Comments page across the Internet have since been carpet bombed with insults and bold claims; it's the worst music video ever, many claim, apparently because they've never heard of Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time."
More distressing are the hurtful comments directed at the singer herself, whose, lest we forget, only crime was being a 13-year-old girl. Understand that in no way am I actually condoning the act of being a 13-year-old girl -- a regrettable and often high pitched offense. It's just not worthy of such vitriol. Rebecca Black is merely a girl who wanted to be a pop star. That's not an uncommon affliction amongst 13-year-old girls, and really the only difference between her and any other little doofus is that Rebecca had parents with $2,000 sitting around, waiting to be set on fire. It was only by giving their fire money to a company called Ark Music Factory that this train wreck of a pigpile of a song was made.
So who are these people at Ark Music Factory? How is it they can take someone's money and give them bullshit in return, just like a common psychologist, and yet still walk the streets free? Do they simply not care about the damage their products do, like an arms manufacturer? Does it tear them up inside every day, like the guy who makes McNuggets?
This man has handled every McNugget you've ever eaten, and he's less happy about it than you are.
With a professional interest in how a company is capable of turning morons into money, I visited Ark Music Factory last week to do some research. There I met Daniel Peerman, account manager and dreamgineer, who explained to me a bit about how their process works.
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Cracked: Can you tell me a bit about the services you provide?
Ark Music Factory: I'd be glad to. Basically we provide professional song writing and production services to our clients. We're capable of creating songs and music videos from scratch, which many of our clients then use to help jump start their entertainment careers.
Cracked: And you do this out of the good that is just constantly overflowing from your two-sizes-too-small hearts?
AMF: Well no. We are a business, and these are for-fee services.
Cracked: What kind of fees are we looking at exactly? What's your teen sensation package run? What is the market willing to bear for creating magic?
AMF: Our basic full song creation and video production package is $2,000.
Cracked: And people pay that?
AMF: They do.
Cracked: Is there, and I hope you don't mind me asking, any coercion involved in that transaction? Are you kidnapping anyone's pet to get them to pay that kind of highway robbery? Have you ever mailed the tip of a cat's tail to someone in the course of conducting your business? What would you say your annual costs are in pet limb postage?
AMF: Our clients are more than willing to pay these amounts, and are highly satisfied with the end result.
Cracked: Maybe it's just because I'm sane, but I'm finding that hard to believe.
AMF: Well let me put it this way. You obviously get a lot of compliments on your looks, right?
Cracked: Sure. Of course I do.
AMF: I thought so. You have a very pretty smile.
Cracked: Thank you.
AMF: So you can see why music talent agents might be interested in you?
Cracked: I've not considered it until now, but yes, that does jibe with several conclusions I've privately reached about how the world should work.
AMF: And if one of these star-makers were to come knocking on your door, you'd want to have something to show them right? Something more than your pretty smile.
Cracked: Thank you!
AMF: I've been doing this for awhile, and I can't recall seeing someone with your natural effervescence.
Cracked: I am sorry about that. I showered this morning, but the A/C in my rental car wasn't working, and I had my coat buttoned up.
Above: Science.
AMF: No no. It's a good thing. It means you have a bubbly personality.
Cracked: Oh ... and that's why I have those problems in the pool?
AMF: What? No. OK forget what I said. I think that you could be the next big teen pop star.
Cracked: You think the world is ready to hear what a 31-year-old white guy has to say on the subjects of dating and hanging out?
AMF: No. I think they want to hear you sing on the subjects of dating and hanging out.
Cracked: Even if my voice makes people feel like they have to get off the bus?
AMF: I think your voice is perfect.
Cracked: But the people on the bus ...
AMF: They don't know talent like I do.
Cracked: They certainly don't know politeness like you do. What about the topic of the song? Can it be something I'm interested in?
AMF: Of course! What are your interests?
Cracked: I know a thing or two about turning things into lists. And most of my free time is spent with model planes and perversion.
AMF: Those are all good, but we'll probably be able to help you come up with something a little more universal. Something kids can relate to.
Cracked: How about a song about how parents just don't understand?
AMF: Also great. See, you're a natural! But like I said, let us come up with the song idea, and we'll leave you in charge of that pretty smile.
Cracked: Thank you! But how will you come up with lyrics?
AMF: We'd send it out to our song-writing crew.
Cracked: Who's that?
AMF: I really can't tell you.
Cracked: Would this convince you? -pretty smile-
AMF: Wow. OK. Sure. We've partnered with a language school. They get a group of ESL students to brainstorm a list of words related to the topic we give them. They're uncanny. We sometimes add a "baby" or a "party" here and there in the refrain, but otherwise what they come up with is pretty spot on.
Cracked: What about the music video? How will that work?
AMF: Well, once we come up with the topic we'll base it around that. And then also add several scenes of a dance party.
Cracked: Of course.
AMF: You're going to be great in the video. The girls will just go wild for those enormous arms of yours.
Cracked: Hang on. Are you lying to me? To trick me into making a music video with you?
AMF: No! Of course not.
Cracked: Because my arms are dangerously frail looking.
AMF: No they're not.
Cracked: My mom says I'll grow into them, but I'm like, "Mom, I'm 31, give it up."
AMF: No they're great. Very, very, great. Better than your smile.
Cracked: Thank you!
AMF: Now are you at all concerned with looking too cool?
Cracked: Never been a danger.
AMF: In that case, I would suggest that we also include a rap in your video to add street cred. We'll throw a couple verses to our in-house rapper, MC Rhyme-So-Much, and I defy you not to be on the cover of Tiger Beat by this time next year.
Cracked: You really think I could? I'm familiar with that publication thanks to the aforementioned perversion, and I know they don't cover just anyone.
I don't know who the old Shaun was, but I like this new one a lot.
AMF: I really think you could. Just maybe try to talk less when people start conversations with you.
Cracked: Now you're really sounding like my mom.
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So in conclusion, the good people at Ark Music Factory run an up-front and savvy business, and any criticism directed their way is misplaced. Any faults with the "Friday" music video lay with Rebecca Black, who, I have it on good authority, does not have a smile half as pretty as my own. And stay tuned to this space, because just as soon as I can convince management to lend me a credit card to pay Ark off, you'll be able to see a video here of me riding a BMX and singing basic truths about exam preparation tips.
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Why didn't someone just step in and tell Miss Black she was crappy instead of just putting on a fake smile and saying "no, no, you have the voice of an angel"? You know, before her parents went and spent $2000 to let their daughter humiliate herself. I don't agree with the hurtful comments directed at her. I ask those who were responsible for the death threats: are you a better singer? You probably aren't. Do you remember what it was like when you were 13 and dreamed of being a big pop star? I'm sure you do. She's only human. There were worse "singers" that were popular. How else can you explain the pop careers of Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton and James Blunt?
ReplyIf you had actually concluded this with said video, it would be the most viewed the on the internet.
Replyyou should start taking donations for the production of that awesome song
ReplyShe still more talented than Ke$ha, auto tuned less and 10 times more hygienic.
ReplyShe's not a terrible singer if you've heard her without auto tune. Not great, but they auto-tuned the hell out of her voice.
Replyso she sings like most ordinary people then? Shit! That means I sing like Rebecca Black! *bows head and cries to sleep*
I have nothing against bad art/music. Everyone should lighten up about it. Rebecca Black has not ruined music. In fact, I think it's great that someone with a couple grand can make a turd that gets viewed by millions of people, none (or few) of them with a gun to their head (presumably). Blame yourselves if you must blame someone.
ReplyAgreed. She hasn't ruined music. It's impossible to ruin music if you don't even attempt to MAKE music. I mean, maybe if she'd actually been trying to exhibit musical talent...wait, what? She WAS trying to exhibit musical talent?! DAMN! Novice trumpet players sound better than the pitiful excuse for an imitation of mating cats emanating from that chick's face!
I actually think 2,000 is not a lot to make a video. It does look like an expensive thing to pull off... But on a different note (no pun intended), it's really not that hard to sing in tune. Auto-tune is certainly overrated. And PLEASE there are more song topics other than dating and hanging out. Even if producers want something universal, why can't there be songs about eating, or listening to music, or bathing, or sleeping???
ReplyIt drives me crazy when people defend Rebecca Black, and heres why.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYes, she is just a kid and a lot of the hateful comments are pretty extreme, but forget about her for a minute, consider the general quality of music and how things like this affect it. It is just SO bad. Any terrible, badly produced pop-shite you have ever heard before is a million times higher quality in terms of song-writing, lyrics, singing quality, production and, well.. just about EVERYTHING. People NEED to rage out and leave millions of hateful comments, because if everyone just shrugs and says, 'ah, shes just a kid, whatever', then this kind of abomination to music goes unchecked and unpunished and THAT would be a true travesty of justice. Yes she is just a kid, but if a kid is completely and utterly talentless, people should not give them patronising, pity-fame. There are thousands of more talented kids her age that no one cares about or has even heard of. And now Rebecca Black has appeared in that ridiculous Katy Perry video and there seems to be a real danger of her forging some kind of faux-popularity that might actually last longer than a month. Anyone who genuinely likes music should know that this would be the worst thing to happen to humanity in the history of the universe.
I think there's some middle ground between ridicule and making famous. Also, I hear she's had to move because of all the abuse she received at school. So... we did it? Was that justice?
Hmmm I'm thinking that many could have said the same thing about Elvis. Or The Beatles. Or jazz. Or any music which was not classical. (I'm not disagreeing with you, tho, I gave you thumbs up, but maybe Rebecca Black is not that far from other supposedly "good" music)
The worst thing is that Rebecca Black isn't that much worse than any of the mass-produced crap out there - it's pretty typical of it. It's like hating on Ed Wood when Joel Schumacher and Uwe Boll are spending much more money to produce crap...
dear god she's a 13 year old girl it's a pop video get a grip. You're right, up until now pop music was important and profound and she is the vanguard of its defilement. Yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy. Written in 1968 and it still reaches me, it still moves me. This is the culture we must defend! Burn her, burn her with fire! Or stop victimising a 13 year old girl like a sad gutless twat. One of the two.
I personally liked the parodies of the song.
ReplyYes, those are amazing :D
I should quote someone we all know. "Rebecca black, we dont hate you coz you're famous, you're famous coz we hate you." True words. her fame comes from the amount of views that belong to those who come to her vid just to rip on her. (Personally I find the beat catchy, and the rapper is moderately talented, its her voice I cant stand.)
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDude, I agree with everything you said until 'the rapper is moderately talented'. It might sound appealing to you, because it's barely coherent speech, but he says this:
R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(Come on!) Passing by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon y’all.
WTF?! He repeats some of the chorus, gets excited about a car driving next to him (woo!), and rhymes 'lanes' with 'lanes'. All of rap's finest are rolling in their graves. Just my two cents.
This is a great article, though.
The rapper just sung the lyrics he was given, don't blame him
@Joad Nacer: He was the one who wrote his own lyrics, as well as Rebecca Black's.
Rapper and talented should never be in the same sentence.
Actually the $2k was well spent. It gave her worldwide fame, something that ppl pay 100X that and never achieve the same result. She'll have plenty of paid offers for at least the next couple of years.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIt's the thousands of others that paid $2k and received sweet f-all attention for their crappy video that got ripped off.
not all fame is equal though. this is like 'kill a kitten on the internet' kind of fame.
or being Fred.
And that's bad. Especially being Fred
I wonder if Fred would kill a kitten.
She has an album deal. She's getting rich. Her misgained fame is equal.
I like the song, personally, plus she's pretty darn cute too. Def worth going to jail for...
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliespedobear to the rescue!
... definite pedobear to the rescue.
Sir, please stand very still whilst I go hire a helicopter to drop filing cabinets on your head.
if he misses with the filing cabinets I hear the catholics are hiring.
Why dont you have a seat? Right over here...
Motumbo pedo bear to the rescue.
About how people think Rebbecca Black is talentless -
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI've always said "what's the difference between Black and Lil Wayne? One of them IS black, one of them has Black in their name". That's it. Nasally voice? Check. Crappy, stupid, redundant lyrics? Check. Really annoying autotune? Check.
Which is why they both suck.
Then there is that whole thing about Lil Wayne being a lyricist
@OneManArmy
Lil Wayne, a "lyricist"? Yes, let's look at his poetry:
I'd rather chill with 54 bitches. Chill like,
chill like an eskimo. Let's get mo', let's get mo'
bitches. And I be like "let's get mo' bitches".
Mr. Officer stop arresting yo' bitches.
Lil Wayne is walking trash.
Reply..."With a professional interest in how a company is capable of turning morons into money"... tee hee. hey!
I read an article that said that the Ark owner was the one that wrote the lyrics, wanting it to sound "cute." (Fail). What she paid for it was cheap considering what she got, and she was only about as auto-tuned as most of what you'll hear on the radio.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIn fairness though, the song is catchy. Tell me it hasn't gotten stuck in your head, or that you aren't fighting your mind's inner demons which are attempting to make you hear it right at this very moment.
Just gotta say, I thought that this article was hilarious, even though I do feel bad for Rebecca Black and her wasted dreams.
Let's see....Nope. No demons at all.
Me neither.
Look, man, the demons in my head have far more important things to do than try and make me listen to 'Friday.' What would they tell their bosses?
"Gee, sorry, Belial. We postponed the summoning of Khargath the World-Breaker because we thought singing a crappy pop song took precedence."
Can I just say that I wish everyone would shut the f**k up about Rebecca Black? Her song isn't nearly bad enough to warrant this much attention
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesagreed- it's also a delusion of people to believe this is new. Virtually all artists pay to have their songs recorded and $2000 seems downright cheap for what she got in return. Really those who are at fault are the people who put a link AND say how terrible she is. Wouldn't it make sense to just say she's terrible, thus not facilitating others to view it?
Yeah, it's that bad. Horrible. If you can say it's not that bad then you have no ear for music at all. You are probably entertained by the sound of a toddler banging rocks together. Not her fault. Shame on the company. Shame on the parents. Exploitation of a teenage girl. Sure she's famous for being crappy, but they could have spent that money for real vocal training, and maybe she could be famous for being good at something in a society where there are so many famous talentless hacks. The fact that anyone could think the song is "not that bad" is a frightening reminder of the direction of the arts in this country. Have we really been exposed to that much lame, hum drum, blahzay crap?
@gergalot
Did you lump her in with artists? That's a f**king insult to people with talent...
I'm probably going to attract a bit of crap for this, but I actually don't think Friday was all that bad. I've heard much worse at school assemblies. These two year 7 girls did an acoustic cover of Poker Face and I think it sounded like they were trying to summon a demon of some sort. They were way worse than Rebecca Black. If evil had a sound, it would be the two girls who performed Poker Face at my school assembly once.
I think what I hate most about Rebbecca Black and this song is that it completely up roots the 'Work Hard And You Can Accomplish Anything' philosophy, apparently it's changed to 'Pay Enough Money, Be A Retard, Accomplish Everything'... Then again, this is pop culture we're talking about.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieswelcome to reality. or certainly modern politics
It's depressing, isn't it?
Hehe, the "work hard and you'll be rewarded" thing never really existed. It is however, great for making those below you work. I could rant on and on about keeping the little guy down, but why does it matter? The world will still revolve, I just know i'm probably going to aim at living easy. Trying to get a small company up and running which I don't have to administer every day, something like that.
Honestly...I would charge WAY more than 2 grand to write, produce, record, mix and create a video for even a crappy song. The cost isn't the problem...it's the horrible, horrible end product that's the problem
Reply"We're Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Black, but after hearing your daughter's song, we need to raise our fee from the 'producer and distributor' category to 'hitman.' You should have made it clear from the start that your goal was to assassinate the American music industry."
I read this entire article with the expectation that you'd put up a song of yours. Son, I am disappoint.
ReplyYeah your mom was a disappoint to.
NOTE: For further reference to make sure this kinda comment does not happen again, please remember to learn HOW TO f*****g SPELL.
Read up on your memes, Chris. The "I am disappoint" type stuff goes hand in hand with the reddit/4chan/rageface content. So, Chris, I am disappoint.
I don't understand how a girl can get famous from a song that no one likes...
ReplyYou know about her after the video? You didn't before? People are like that, they just love to hate things. All of the hate that makes her sob in the bathroom every night has really made her a household name, even though people who are deaf and blind only like her music.
I like her song. Crap, I can't see what I just typed...