5 Halloween Parties Too Badass to Be Real (That Totally Are)

Now allow Pennsylvania to prove you wrong with Terror Behind the Walls. It's a Halloween attraction (talk about stretching a term) set in Eastern State Penitentiary, a goddamn bona fide haunted prison complex.

Built in 1829, the ESP had a reputation as a pretty nightmarish place when it was operational -- a visiting Charles Dickens described it as "worse than any torture of the body."

And the people who ran the place were as insane as the environment -- they happily imprisoned and messed up prisoners as young as 12 and even goddamn dogs. Combine that with some fairly creative torture methods, such as "the mad chair," and it should come as no surprise that reports of paranormal activity on the site have been pretty abundant. And now, every Halloween, the long-closed penitentiary opens its doors to allow the public to revel in its arrested decay.

This, by the way, means the building is as abandoned as Chernobyl and about as well preserved, so it might be a good idea to make sure your Halloween costume includes a hard hat.

The Terror Behind the Walls event is a "low gore" walk through the pants-shitting premises, with plenty of actual gory historical facts mixed with balls-out-insane ghost stories to go with the top-notch production values. It all adds up to the scariest Halloween event in America.

Yeah, if you think you're too cool to be scared by masked actors chasing after you, you need to experience it happening while you're walking through the crumbling real-life equivalent of Arkham Asylum.

A haunted one.

And while we're on the subject of haunted houses ...

Related: 4 Horrifying Realities of Working at a Haunted House

It has so many advantages over its "fake blood and plastic skeletons" peers that it's almost unfair. First off, it's steampunk themed, which is creepy all by itself. Second, it's based on Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass, the freakier sequel to the already pretty deranged Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

And trust us, that unholy combination works. Until NASA finds a way to actually enter Wonderland through a steampunk Stargate, Third Rail Projects' Steampunk Haunted House: Through the Looking Glass remains as close as you'll come to Looking-Glass Land this side of American McGee's Alice. Third Rail's take on the Ye Olde Haunted House routine is basically a straight-up steampunk museum in a century-old playhouse decked out in a Wonderland theme. It focuses on only the darker themes of Carroll's work, and also all your favorite Alice characters and settings now look like this:

And while you do have a tour guide, his main function is, in true Carroll fashion, to deliberately get you lost, give you impossible tasks and turn off the lights just when you need them.

Adding to the insanity cake mix is the fact that the whole building is as deliberately nonsensical as New York housing law will allow. In short: Picture dropping acid before watching the animated Alice in Wonderland, and you'll have a fraction of an idea what you're in for.

Related: 4 Horrifying Realities of Working at a Haunted House

So as you can see, the best Halloween hangouts are the kind of places that are terrifying year-round. Which brings us to House on the Rock, aka The Most Insane Place in America.

Architect Alex Jordan Sr. and his son Alex Jordan Jr. started building House on the Rock as a way to get back at Frank Lloyd Wright, who thought Jordan Sr. was a hack and kicked him out of his art school. We can tell Senior took this a bit personally, because he immediately started planning and building the most mind-bending house his peculiar architectural style could come up with -- in the vicinity of Wright's own house in Wisconsin. Then, the son turned the house's rooms into loosely themed crap exhibitions and proceeded to live his life in seclusion like a poor man's Howard Hughes.

Every single inch of the House on the Rock is a horror movie waiting to happen. Let's begin with the Infinity Room, which juts out 218 feet for no other reason than to mess with your head.

The terrifying part is that the room is quite high from the ground and has no supports underneath. Here's the outside:

When you enter the Infinity Room, you're essentially walking a 200-foot long plank, hoping against hope that Jordan Sr. (who, remember, was laughed out of the profession by one of the most influential architects in history) had his shit together.

Speaking of which, let's take a look at the other rooms. The house features several "exhibitions," with all exhibits out in the open and contributing to the peculiar smell of rot that permeates the building. One room gives us what is allegedly the world's largest indoor carousel.

Another features a frozen orchestra of mannequins.

There's a circus room ...

... a room full of organs ...

... an indoor old-timey street that brings to mind the Rapture ...

... and another orchestra, only these are controlled by invisible robots, because everything is better with robots.

Wow. That's just ... wow. It's as if they've taken everything even remotely sinister in life and put them under the same roof to bear upon the wary visitor.

And then there's the Halloween parties. Last year, for instance, the House on the Rock hosted a costume contest (judged by Neil Gaiman), and the winners got to ride that enormous carousel. Although, as evidenced by their disclaimer on Facebook, this is not necessarily a reward -- the riders are specifically told not to bring "open flames, weapons, smoke and sharp projections" and that "as the carousel was not meant to be ridden, there are sharp claws, fragile appendages, etc."

So, it's a carousel with sharp claws that was not meant to be ridden, and you're specifically told not to take weapons with you? There is no way you're getting out with your soul intact.

Related: At Least Your Thanksgiving Wasn't As Bad As Kid Rock's

What's more, as you can see above, the festivities are now hosted by a President of the United States who is an unabashed Star Wars and comic book nerd. This translates to the exact thing you'd hope for and expect:

Hey, look at this! It's somebody dressed up as Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter:

Yeah, that person would be Johnny Depp. Also at the party in 2009 was Tim Burton and Deep Roy (the guy who played all of the Oompa Loompas in the Willy Wonka remake).

See, this is why you want to grow up to be president, kids. You get to use your status as the most powerful man in the world to have R2-D2 stare down an Ent.

Related: Jimmy Carter's Hemorrhoids Offer A Weird Historical Parallel To Trump's White House

As you leave the trick-or-treating stage of your life behind and enter the beer-and-wacky-dick-costumes phase of Halloween celebrating, you tend to be less about the candy and more about the partying. Woe is you, however, when you find out that Halloween parties tend to be pretty much the same as your regular Friday nights, only everyone wears even dumber clothes than usual and there are little plastic bats everywhere.

Yet with the right mindset (and some cash to burn), you can arrange a kickass Halloween at the Queen Mary at Long Beach, California.

It's your average retired ocean liner that's been converted into a hotel/museum. And while that might seem more or less like the trifecta of lameness to most, the owners of the Queen Mary took a double take on their property and realized that what they had was a creepy-ass giant ship (that looks a bit like the Titanic for good measure) that is also a creepy-ass hotel.

So they have taken to annually converting the Queen Mary into a giant Halloween complex for an event called the Dark Harbor. The end result is the lovechild of The Shining's Overlook Hotel and a giant ghost ship and HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!

Yeah. The Halloween-ready ship features, among other things, three onboard and two onshore mazes, some 160 monsters, all the special effects you can eat and some big ass pyrotechnics.

The horror action that takes place in and around the "damned" ship -- which, as they helpfully remind you during the event, is rumored to be haunted in real life as well -- follows a different script every year. This year's story revolves around a trio of she-demons who make it their mission to hunt the shit out of everyone entering the boat after sunset -- up to, including and especially you.

Oh, hell yeah. This is the kind of haunted house you get when the people setting it up have some serious money behind it.

And in case you still think this is kid stuff, please note that there will be boobs there (video NSFW).

Happy Halloween, indeed.

For more Halloween fun for the whole family, Jacopo asks that you pick up a copy of Little Goblins Ten, a cute little children's book by the very same Pamela Jane that Jacopo is currently writing a Cracked-inspired children's book with.

If you're going as Batman this Halloween, be sure to check out The 5 Most Impractical Aspects of Superhero Costumes. Or check out Slutty Girls in Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Tribute.