Closest Living Relatives: Hippopotamuses

Paul Maritz

Well, that first assumption was semi-right, but we were way off the mark on that "huge lazy fatass" part. Just don't tell them that to their faces.

According to recent evidence, whales and hippos probably share the same great-great-great- (ad infinitum) grandpappy that lived about 50 million years ago. This ancestor split into two groups: the cetaceans and the anthracotheres. Believe it or not, whales and dolphins used to walk on land and were semi-aquatic, like crocodiles and otters. Here's a bad drawing of an Ambulocetus, an early whale ancestor:

Nobu Tamura

Now, here's an early anthracothere:

Dmitry Bogdanov

It's sort of like a hippo that tried one of those new fad diets and got even dumber as a result of the lack of nutrients. Anyway, over time the cetaceans became more and more aquatic, until they eventually abandoned the land altogether. Meanwhile, the anthracotheres died out (presumably slowly and lazily), leaving only one descendant: the hippo.

In fact, scientists have argued that dolphins and whales should be combined into the order Artiodactyla, which contains not only hippos, but also deer, camels, cows, pigs and giraffes. Yet, if you came across a whale humping a camel, you'd think it was weird.

Actually, it looks like bears' closest living relatives have all the cute, but got severely shafted on the badass. The pinniped's location in the evolutionary tree has always been a little tricky, but genetic evidence revealed that pinnipeds are closely related to bears and weasels.

"But Cracked," you say, "seals don't even have freaking feet. You don't have to be a biologist to call bullshit here."

True, but have you ever taken a close look at a seal's flipper? We're guessing that's a no, so here's a pic:

Marcel Burkhard

Now here's a bear's paw:

Carl Chapman

The seal's flipper is flatter, and the bear's claws are longer (raise your hand if you knew that seals even had claws), but other than that, people who are way smarter than us yet spend a whole lot more of their time staring at animals' feet have found that they're very similar. Both have non-retractable claws, both have five claws on each foot, both have the same basic bone structure and both are plantigrade (meaning that both the heel and toe touch the ground).

In fact, the fossil record indicates that the pinnipeds probably arose from a bearlike ancestor called Puijila, which was a powerful predator that could run on all fours like a bear but also had webbed toes, allowing it to hunt in the water. Today, pinnipeds are rarely found in freshwater and, needless to say, they gave up on all that "running" bullshit long ago.

Getty

Just think: If Puijila had taken a different turn on Evolutionary Road, we might have bears that could outrun, outclimb and outswim you before using their cuddliness to lure you straight into their pointy bits.

They're related to the suborder Ceratomorpha, which sounds like something from the Power Rangers and includes the rhinoceros and the tapir. Now, assuming you haven't visited a zoo recently, you're probably thinking, "OK, so what the s**t is a tapir?"

This is:

Getty

So a tapir sort of looks like a rhino who's lost all his cool rhino stuff (i.e., the armor and the face full of death-by-impalement) and is feeling pretty bitter about it. Either that, or he's the only animal in nature that's permanently constipated. Anyway, if you go far enough back, you see how similar all of these animals are. For instance, rhinos have three toes that they walk on:

Allanscottwalker

... and so did horses, once. But two of their toes evolved away with time, leaving just the one huge middle toe and toenail that we now refer to as a hoof.

Mcy jerry

That's right -- Mother Nature engineered horses to flip us a perpetual bird with each foot. Which seems somewhat justified considering all the s**t we've made them do over the years, don't you think?

Wait, how could something that looks like somebody mixed equal parts broken stepladder, mange and hate be closely related to these cute and cuddly little ferret-things? It might be easier to swallow when you remember that mongooses like to murder the s**t out of snakes just because why the f**k not? but, but ... CUTE! And hyenas tried to kill Baby Simba! Baby Simba! How could this be right?

Well, carnivorous mammals (the order Carnivora) are divided into two suborders: the doglike carnivores (Caniformia) and the catlike carnivores (Feliformia). You might think by looking at them that hyenas belong in the "doglike carnivore" class, but they actually belong in the suborder Feliformia and share a close branch with the mongoose family, which also includes the meerkat (e.g., Timon from The Lion King). That's right, the lovable little guy who convinces Simba to forget about all his worries is the long-lost cousin of the animals who helped kill his dad. Et tu, Timon?

And yes, that also means hyenas are more closely related to cats than to dogs. So be sure to pick up a litter box when you go get yourself that new guard hyena.

We've talked about sea squirts (tunicates) before. They're the poor, unfortunate souls that swim around like little tadpoles, happy as any spermlike creature can be expected to be, when all of a sudden their evolutionary programming takes over and they attach themselves to the sea floor, devour their own brains, lose their ability to swim and filter feed for the rest of their boring, miserable existence.

So which animals do you think are these doomed little guys' closest living relatives?

Sponges? Corals? Worms? Nope.

Closest Living Relatives: Vertebrates Like You

Wikipedia Commons

That's right, say hello to your Cousin Squirt.

Vertebrates (you, other mammals, birds, fishes, reptiles and amphibians) are the closest evolutionary cousins of the sea squirt. In fact, scientists believe that the sea squirts (especially in their larval form) may resemble the original ancestor of all vertebrate life on earth. In other words, your earliest ancestors may have looked something like this:

Jim Williams, Southwest Tennessee Community College

So consider this: Instead of inventing new technology, creating fabulous works of art and writing dick jokes on the Internet, we could have parked our asses on the sea floor and devoured our own brains.

For more reasons we're better than Animal Planet, check out 8 Ingenious Ways Animals Outsmart Predators and 7 Animals That Are One Flaw Away From Taking Over the World.