4

Bears and Seals

We humans have a very odd relationship with bears. On the one hand, we put our kids to bed with a stuffed one every night; on the other hand, we'd shit our pants if we ever encountered a real one out in the wild. Take that big guy standing up there, for example: Have you ever seen another photo that simultaneously says "Hug me" and "I want to gnaw on your sweet, sweet face-meat"?

3

Donkeys and Rhinos

The peaceful equids (horses, donkeys and zebras) were enslaved by the human race to do our bidding -- sorry, domesticated -- several thousand years ago, and since that time they've been an invaluable resource for transportation, agriculture, warfare, companionship and sometimes-horrifying entertainment.

So they're probably closely related to cows, sheep or some other animal you'd sing about living on an elderly Scottish man's farm, right?

Closest Living Relatives: Rhinos

Jutta234

2

Hyenas and Mongooses

We know what you're probably thinking right about now. "Come on, Cracked," you say in your thick Scottish brogue (because we like to imagine that all our readers sound like Sean Connery). "Everyone knows hyenas are some kind of lopsided dogs. You can't surprise us by telling us that once you dig down past the inch-thick coat of ugly, they're practically man's best friend."

But before you run out to the nearest rescue shelter to see if there are any hyena pups available, there's something we need to tell you.

Closest Living Relatives: Mongooses

Hans Hillewaert

Wait, how could something that looks like somebody mixed equal parts broken stepladder, mange and hate be closely related to these cute and cuddly little ferret-things? It might be easier to swallow when you remember that mongooses like to murder the shit out of snakes just because why the fuck not? but, but ... CUTE! And hyenas tried to kill Baby Simba! Baby Simba! How could this be right?

Well, carnivorous mammals (the order Carnivora) are divided into two suborders: the doglike carnivores (Caniformia) and the catlike carnivores (Feliformia). You might think by looking at them that hyenas belong in the "doglike carnivore" class, but they actually belong in the suborder Feliformia and share a close branch with the mongoose family, which also includes the meerkat (e.g., Timon from The Lion King). That's right, the lovable little guy who convinces Simba to forget about all his worries is the long-lost cousin of the animals who helped kill his dad. Et tu, Timon?

1

Sea Squirts and You

Nick Hobgood

We've talked about sea squirts (tunicates) before. They're the poor, unfortunate souls that swim around like little tadpoles, happy as any spermlike creature can be expected to be, when all of a sudden their evolutionary programming takes over and they attach themselves to the sea floor, devour their own brains, lose their ability to swim and filter feed for the rest of their boring, miserable existence.

So which animals do you think are these doomed little guys' closest living relatives?

Sponges? Corals? Worms? Nope.

Closest Living Relatives: Vertebrates Like You

Wikipedia Commons

That's right, say hello to your Cousin Squirt.

Vertebrates (you, other mammals, birds, fishes, reptiles and amphibians) are the closest evolutionary cousins of the sea squirt. In fact, scientists believe that the sea squirts (especially in their larval form) may resemble the original ancestor of all vertebrate life on earth. In other words, your earliest ancestors may have looked something like this:

Jim Williams, Southwest Tennessee Community College

So consider this: Instead of inventing new technology, creating fabulous works of art and writing dick jokes on the Internet, we could have parked our asses on the sea floor and devoured our own brains.

For more reasons we're better than Animal Planet, check out 8 Ingenious Ways Animals Outsmart Predators and 7 Animals That Are One Flaw Away From Taking Over the World.