Remember last year, when the "video chat with a random stranger" program Chatroulette was a thing people did? Remember how 70% of the video was dicks? No? Shit, sounds like you've got a good hypnotherapist. What's his number?
Dick-recognition software. Yes, somebody out there had to design an algorithm that recognized dongs. He had to look at thousands upon thousands of dicks, day in and day out, examining every little fold and vein, trying to determine what truly makes a dick a dick. Then he had to convert the very concept of dicks into math, and program it in a computer, which presumably learned to hate right after that.
"What the fuck are you doing, Dave?"
But hey, even when there aren't more wangs onscreen than in a Dynasty Warriors game, online chatting still may not be safe. Perversion comes in many flavors, after all (and they're probably all really gross, like black licorice jelly beans). That's where pedophile-recognition software comes in: Linkable to Facebook, Twitter and most other chat sites, it analyzes language to look for inappropriate levels of literacy and coherence for a pre-set age group, then lets your kid know if there is something off about user NoI'mTotally13. Weighing in at an astonishing 90 percent reliability on tests, it's very effective at protecting your children from sick predators way outside their own age bracket, as well as any lame grammar nerds within it. Once again punishing the literate while letting the most idiotic of perverts prevail.
"Please use worse grammar to avoid arousing suspicion."
When not writing comedy, Mark M. freelances and dispenses bad philosophy and relationship advice. Paul K Pickett is a Canadian writer. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Our book also doubles as pervert resistant underwear. Make sure you purchase it.
Need more tech and sex? Check out 11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.
And stop by Linkstorm because it's too nice to go outside.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!