5 Scientific Reasons The Dark Side Will Always Win

In the Star Wars universe, just like ours, it means that people will be more likely to crap their space pants when they see a Sith Lord decked out in black.

Instead of this.

Darth Vader talks a lot about crushing the Rebels, bringing his son into the family business and ruling the galaxy, but you'll also notice that he's always either gripping stuff (e.g. his belt, lightsaber, chair arms, rebel throats) or just clenching his fists, like when he walks into the Hoth Rebel base or is trying to convince somebody of the power of the Dark side.

"They have amazing health coverage."

In fact, the only time Vader's hands are completely flat, in any of the movies, is when he's blocking the shit out of lasers.

And It Works Because ...

Experiments show that physically gripping something boosts your endurance and mental willpower. This has been proven in a whole series of experiments; in one, they found that people could endure pain twice as long (in this case, from holding their hands in icy water) if they gripped an object tightly at the same time. Yet another study recorded that students were better at resisting the temptation of junk food at the campus store if they went in all fisty and tense. Making a fist simply makes you stronger.

And fisting someone makes you both stronger.

And you know what makes you stronger still? Thinking evil thoughts. Yes, they did a study at Harvard by simply having three groups hold a 5-pound weight for as long as they could. They'd try it once with nothing at all on their mind, try it again when envisioning themselves doing good deeds (writing a story about themselves where they do nice things) and try yet again when thinking "evil" thoughts (i.e., being forced to write a story about themselves in which they turn to the Dark Side).

The worse performance came when they were thinking about nothing in particular. Thinking good thoughts added about 10 seconds to their endurance. But the Dark Siders beat them both. Kind of explains why Luke could overpower Vader when he got super pissed, gave in to the Dark Side and then, like two seconds later, totally said he hadn't.

Shithead.

Vader is not a humble man. The first time he gets face-to-face with Luke he tells him, "Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and son!" When they meet again in the next film, with equal confidence Vader says, "You underestimate the power of the Dark Side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny."

Hell, just look at the way the guy stands. He fills the room.

This is how to win friends and influence people.

Luke tells Vader and the Emperor that overconfidence is their weakness. He's totally wrong.

And It Works Because ...

First of all, just standing like Darth Vader raises your testosterone levels, according to studies. It's evolution -- acting like the "alpha" in the group with your body language actually creates changes to let you assume the role -- physically.

Sort of like how dressing in a cop uniform is enough to get free drugs out of people.

And while we associate pride and arrogance with lazy douche bags who are just bound to get their comeuppance, a study at Northeastern University found that people who had been given an ego boost before setting out to complete a task worked longer and harder than their more humble peers. Their arrogance made them more effective.

And not only that, but they were also viewed as more dominant and likable by other participants. Experiments show that as much as we say we hate arrogant or prideful people, when we run across people acting like hot shit, we tend to assume they are.

Hell, "acting like hot shit" is the whole reason for Boba Fett's fame.

So Vader's boastful arrogance also would be instrumental in convincing Star Destroyers full of underlings to do what the fuck he says.

For one thing, they freaking call their cause "the Dark Side." But on top of that, ever see Darth Vader laugh? Or any of his crew members or troops? Ever see any of them smile, even when they're winning?

The Emperor smiles, but he's just generally a positive fella.

Now look at the interior of the Death Star and Star Destroyers. See any decorations? Paintings on the walls, maybe? Any colors other than gray?

Nope, it's dreary gray and black everywhere you go. No joking, no games, no joy.

The Galactic Empire: Sponsored by Xanax.

And It Works Because ...

Sadness makes us better thinkers. Joe Forgas, a psychology professor at the University of New South Wales, set up an experiment that required volunteers to make judgments based on urban myths and rumors. He consistently found that subjects who were considered sadder were more skeptical and able to think critically. Even more unbelievable, Forgas found that people who were sad were more convincing. He and his colleagues set up an experiment where they had sad and happy volunteers write arguments on various issues. Scientists and undergraduate students rated them. Overall, the depressed volunteers created more convincing arguments.

So, operating in an air of oppressive gloom can actually make you more convincing. Might come in handy, like maybe if you're trying really hard to bring someone over to the Dark Side of the Force.

Then, Forgas did another experiment where he tested people's perception and memory outside a shopping mall on seven bright, sunny days and on seven gray, dreary days. People were more perceptive and had better memories when their surroundings were dark and lacking in color. Like the gray of an imperial starship.

A sad stormtrooper is an attentive, more convincing and more thoughtful stormtrooper.

The soldier with nothing to live for doesn't run like a little bitch.

But of course in the prequels, we see that eternally prepubescent voice of Anakin Skywalker gets injected with a full dose of James Earl Jones after a well-deserved lava bath in Revenge of the Sith. This was such an improvement to the character that we kind of wonder why Jake Lloyd didn't immediately fling himself into lava the moment he appeared on screen in Episode I.

George Lucas: If you ever decide to re-release Episode I, you can use that idea for free.

And It Works Because ...

Experiments show that a deep voice is a surefire way to establish dominance over whomever you're talking to.

It was the Penn State Department of Anthropology that reported that men view other men with deep voices as being more dominant. It works the opposite way, too; this perception of dominance, whether it be their own or somebody else's, affects how men speak to one another. They'll subconsciously lower their voice if they think they could totally kick that guy's ass, and speak in a higher pitch if they think they totally couldn't.

We don't do it on purpose -- most guys don't even notice the change in their voice, unless of course you're James Earl Jones and your voice is always the deepest one in the room.

Basically, Darth Vader will always be considered one of the most dominant people in the universe no matter where he goes, all because of his thunderous baritone.

The strangling helps, too.

Watch the Cracked gang FURTHER over-analyze Star Wars by going inside it, with the new Adventures in Jedi School.

Paul K. Pickett and Trevor J. Pickett are writers from Canada. They can be contacted at paulkpickett@hotmail.com or trevorpickett@hotmail.com.

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To see where Star Wars got it wrong, check out 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball and 5 Reasons Star Wars Sequels Would Be Worse Than The Prequels.