Lisa Skye
·
Apparently, big-time celebrities consider dying to be just so 2009, because after a year of star-studded celebrity passings, 2010 saw only a few big names leave the mortal coil.
And while the Gary Colemans and the Corey Haims hogged the posthumous limelight, we think there were a few others who deserve a little recognition as well, Cracked-style.
Who?
Tsutomu Yamaguchi, survivor of both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear attacks of 1945
How?
Stomach cancer
The legacy:
During World War II, Yamaguchi lived in Nagasaki, but he just happened to be in Hiroshima for business on Aug. 6, 1945. After surviving the attack with just a few burns on his upper body, Yamaguchi, along with two co-workers, hightailed it back home to the safety of ... Nagasaki.
Two days later he reported back to work, just in time for the second bomb to hit.
"You have got to be shitting me."
Not only did he survive both atomic explosions without serious injury, but his wife and son made it through unharmed as well. Needless to say, he spent the rest of his life loudly claiming to be a Highlander (or campaigning against nuclear weapons ... we forget which).
Who?
Joe Rollino, Coney Island Strongman
How?
Hit by a minivan
The legacy:
Clocking in at a nuggety 5-foot-5, Rollino once moved 3,200 pounds with his back, bent nails with his mouth and coins with his hands, and lifted 450 pounds with his teeth. In other words, there wasn't a part of his body that couldn't manipulate matter with brute force.
During WWII, he used his strength to carry four wounded men at a time off the battlefield. And he didn't die of organ failure or a heart attack like most 104-year-olds -- it took a whole minivan to knock Rollino out of the land of the living. But that's OK, because the word on the street was that Rollino was eager to finally meet Death face to face so he could drag him around the underworld with his pinky toe.
Who?
Meinhardt Frank Raabe, one of the last surviving cast members of The Wizard of Oz
How?
Heart attack
The legacy:
As memorable as the Munchkin coroner was in The Wizard of Oz, Raabe really only got 13 fleeting seconds of screen time (declaring the Wicked Witch of the East to be deceased), and his few lines were dubbed over by another actor altogether. But don't go crying for old Meinhardt, because he not only ended up surviving just about everyone else from the movie but also went on to serve as a pilot during World War II, enjoy a 50-year marriage with his sweetheart and get cast as the Oscar Mayer spokesman. And yes, that meant he got to ride around in that sweet Wienermobile. Jealous?
Meinhardt Raabe: Not only is he merely dead, he's really most sincerely dead.
Who?
Edward Uhl, inventor of the most hilariously named weapon ever conceived
How?
Heart failure
The legacy:
Edward Uhl, like most young men in the 1940s, had a problem: How in blazes was he supposed to rocket-launch a grenade toward Nazi tanks without blowing his own face off? Luckily, also like most men in the 1940s, Uhl enjoyed the national pastime of walking past junk piles filled with scrap metal. And it was on one such constitutional that he came across the answer to all his grenade-launching problems: a tube. Uhl figured out that a shoulder-mounted tube could launch a bomb without injuring the launcher. And then he exclaimed, "Ba-ZOOOOO-ka!" And the rest is history.
Who?
Rue McClanahan, the slutty one from The Golden Girls
How?
Stroke
The legacy:
The man-crazed Blanche Devereaux on The Golden Girls was one of the first mainstream portrayals of older citizens as sexual beings. This could have been a step toward respect for the dignity and sensuality of people at all stages in life. Instead, we got granny porn. Thank you for being a friend, Rue.
Who?
Ilene Woods, the voice of Cinderella
How?
Causes related to Alzheimer's disease
The legacy:
To really appreciate what Ilene Woods brought to the Disney princess franchise, have a listen to her predecessor, the voice of Snow White:
It's like listening to Edith Bunker mate with Emo Philips and then sing about it as operatically as possible. Now check out an 18-year-old Ilene Woods:
Her honey-smooth voice is dripping with sex. And with Woods as the star, Cinderella became Disney's first hit in 13 years, which provided the cash flow to keep the studio in business. Are we saying you can thank Woods for the empire that would later produce Miley Cyrus? Yes. Yes we are.
Who?
Harvey Pekar, underground comic book writer, perpetual curmudgeon and Letterman irritant
How?
Accidental overdose of antidepressants
The legacy:
A lifelong resident of Cleveland, Ohio (see cause of death), Pekar developed a friendship with legendary underground comic creator R. Crumb, which lead to the creation of Pekar's comic book series American Splendor. This lead to multiple television appearances, publication of several collected editions of his work and ultimately a 2001 movie adaptation of his life in which he was played by Paul Giamatti.
And did we mention that Pekar couldn't actually draw? That someone else was doing all the artwork for him? Or that in spite of getting praised as a modern-day Chekhov, he kept his job as a file clerk in a VA hospital until retiring at 62? Kinda makes our unwillingness to work before 10 a.m. or past 3 p.m. look pretty lame, huh?
Who?
Morrie Yohai, inventor of Cheetos' puffy cousins, Cheez Doodles
How?
Cancer
The legacy:
As the president of Old London Foods, Yohai made his lasting contribution to the world of obesity by inventing Cheez Doodles back in the 1950s. Yohai was first of many to realize that Americans would line up to eat cheese-based snacks if they were stripped of natural coloring and correct spelling and involved the word "doodles."
Yo, hi!
In addition to being the inventor of our favorite food of self-hate, Yohai was a Jewish mystic and a poet. So, rest in peez, Morrie.
Who?
Forby Leonard Skinner, gym teacher and longhair opponent
How?
Alzheimer's disease
The legacy:
The 1960s were the one time in history when the length of your hair established where you stood on every important issue of the day: Short hair equaled pro-government, pro-war, pro-square music. Long hair equaled the opposite of all those things. So, Leonard Skinner was a Florida gym teacher firmly established in the short-hair camp, and he had no love for students on the other side of the hair-length war. And three of those students were Ronnie Van Zant, Gary Rossington and Bob Burns and their sexy, sexy hair.
After countless visits to the office on account of their tresses, the boys decided they'd get their revenge by naming their fledgling band after the one man who seemed the most bothered by them. And to avoid a lawsuit from said square, they replaced all the vowels in "Leonard Skinner" with Y's. But it turned out Mr. Skinner had a decent sense of humor about the whole deal, even after the band used a sign from his realty company in their album art:
"They'd say, 'Who's speaking?' and I'd say, 'Leonard Skinner,' and they'd say 'Far Out,' which it really wasn't at four in the morning."
The New York Times dubbed him "the most influential high school gym teacher in American popular culture." Not too shabby for a short-haired square.
Who?
Jimi Heselden, owner of Segway Industries
How?
Apparently by driving his Segway off a cliff
The legacy:
Heselden started out as a coal miner but got laid off during the Great Miners' Strike of 1984-85. And instead of blowing his relief money on rent, bills and crumpets like all the other miners, he used his money to open a workshop. And it was in that workshop that he invented a barrier system that totally made him rich enough to be counted as one of Britain's biggest philanthropists. By 2010, he was rich enough to buy the pinnacle of class and sophistication, Segway Industries.
Unfortunately, 2010 was the year Heselden's luck ran out. His body was discovered in a river by a cliff, and his all-terrain Segway was found nearby.
Who?
Bob Guccione
How?
Cancer
The legacy:
Guccione founded Penthouse magazine back when in order to look at boobs, you had to pay money, as opposed to typing "boobs," "porn," "pron," "nurse," "nature" or, heck, "biomolecular physics" into Google.
When Penthouse began, Guccione photographed most of the models himself, due to a so-called "lack of resources," thus trumping rival Hugh Hefner's "I read it for the articles" to win the coveted Most Unconvincing Excuse trophy at the 1969 Pornies.
Who?
Alex Anderson, creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle
How?
Complications from Alzheimer's disease
The legacy:
If there's one thing we'll learn from Alex Anderson, it's that you should never pass up an opportunity to watch documentaries about annoying cartoon characters from the 1960s, especially when you're the one who created the characters. Because you might just find that your name was left out of the story, and that all the credit for your annoying-ass characters went to your former business partner and childhood friend. And then, if it's 1996, and you're Alex Anderson, you just might find yourself suing the shit out of your former business partner's estate and winning "court-mandated acknowledgment" of being responsible for this crapcicle:
Good job!
And thanks to Anderson and his lawsuit, no one was ever exploited by the animation industry ever again (except the entire nation of South Korea).
Who?
Irvin Kershner, film director
How?
Lung cancer
The legacy:
Irvin Kershner will always be beloved by nerds the world over for directing the best movie of all time. "I know," you say knowingly, "The Empire Strikes Back is my favorite movie too." Empire Yeah, right! We're talking about RoboCop 2. "RoboCop 2? The best movie of all time?" you reply, in a hoarse whisper. "That's not true ... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Lisa-Skye Ioannidis is a comedian based in Melbourne, Australia. Find more of her here. Nicholas Rasche is a writer and comedian also based in Melbourne. Paul Rasche likes smoking.
And don't forget to check out the overlooked deaths of years past, in Where Aren't They Now?: 15 Overlooked Deaths of 2008 and Where Aren't They Now? 13 Overlooked Deaths of 2009.
And stop by Linkstorm to learn about the birth, death and resurrection of the savior: RoboCop.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!
Some celebrities lives might actually be charmed.
Sometimes the stories after the stories are even stranger.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.
The tech industry is constantly changing like a swirling, confusing vortex.
453 Comments