Local 28-year old, Brad Cartwright recently received startling news from his parents, Jesse and Stan Cartwright.
"I thought I was just stopping by for dinner and to watch the game." Said Cartwright. "But when I got there they were both all serious. They just sat me down and laid it on me."
According to Cartwright, his parent's intent was to inform him that he was not the favorite of their three children.
"I immediately new something was up when I saw the chart." Noted Cartwright, referring to his mother's homemade visual device which emphasized his placement near the bottom of their affections. "She's been doing lots of stamping and scrapbooking classes and I guess that's where she got the inspiration. But what's worse is that I'm at the bottom ... they even like the dog and the china better than me."
Cartwright, who has been working as a junior designer in the local transportation department fails to see his parents' reasoning for his non-favored status. "I mean, it's not like I'm a bum or anything. I have a good job. I stop by on occasion and visit with them. Although they did always seem to prefer Roger."
Roger Cartwright is Brad Cartwright's older brother and former football star at Gladwell Highschool.
"Roger was the quarterback, he works at the bank and wears a tie every day. He has a dimple. OK he's the favorite, I get that. I could even see them liking my sister Pam a little better than me, even though they're paying for something like her seventh year of undergrad. But the china? It's not even that nice, I think they bought it in the 80s. And the dog? It's pooped on the new rug before. It's not like I've ever done anything like that."
When asked of her reasoning, Jesse Cartwright offered insight. "Well, it was time we told him. We've always valued honesty as a family. Brad's a good boy but he's always just lacked ... something: Roger's throwing arm, Pam's smile, the china's blue flowers. I've always loved those blue flowers. We kept waiting for Brad's hidden skill in accounting, or really anything to blossom but it just never did."
For the younger Cartwright, the moment continues to be surreal. "Even thinking about it, I can't believe they said that to me. Dad's always been Dad. You know, kind of gruff. He always seemed a little vaguely disappointed in me but I figured that was just him. But for mom to be a part of it ... I mean, why? What's the point? But that's not the end of it. After they told me, they give me a six-pack of beer-like that's supposed to make everything better. Which, I guess it kind of did, at least it was good beer, ya know?"
According to Cartwright, his parents presented him with a six-pack of Newcastle Brown Ale shortly after delivering the news. The six-pack was evidently enough to persuade him to stay for dinner.
"I hung out and had a beer. Dinner wasn't bad, we had fried chicken. But then Roger stopped by and they gave him both Chicken breasts. I settled for a wing, until the dog got ahold of it. Then I had to make due with my green beans and potatoes, which was alright. I guess."
Reached for comment on the situation, Cartwright's father, Stan Cartwright said only "I don't talk to the government."
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.