Also, it's shaped like an actual bullet.
So what we have here, basically, is a giant bullet speeding through the air at 80 mph, covered in an oversized bulletproof vest -- the perfect headquarters for a bullet-themed Batman villain.
"Behold my new invention! A bullet-shooting lasergun!"
The makers claim it's made for tasks like homeland security and disaster relief -- but they're also renting them out to anybody with enough cash who likes to spend that cash on crazy things (it's $300,000 a month, but we'd like to see them try to catch you to collect the second month).
Full-Sized Luxury Submarines
Imagine you could live in the middle of the sea. No, we're not talking about a floating house -- that would be silly. We're talking about a giant underwater mansion that is capable of crossing the Atlantic, the Phoenix 1000.
This is actually a submarine, but it's considerably bigger than most of its kind: 213 feet long, with a total interior living area of 5,000 square feet. That's like twice the size of the average American house.
Plus they have twice as many books.
The Phoenix has four decks, including ample saloons and observation spots, but what takes it into paranoid supervillain territory is its freakish endurance. It can sink 2,000 feet below the water and has an oxygen supply to last for up to 40 days. You can literally survive another Great Flood in this thing.
And if you get bored being inside all day or you need to go dump some bodies where no one could ever possibly find them, you can go for a ride in the smaller submarine that's attached to this thing. And by smaller submarine we mean a regular freakin' submarine.
The only downside to the Phoenix 1000 is that if the builders (U.S. Submarines) have built one, they aren't letting anyone take pictures of it. Whether it's because the only buyers so far are the types who value their privacy (say, flamboyant arms dealers with an eye on world domination via flooding the world's major cities) or because nobody has forked over the $78 million price tag is anybody's guess. All we know is that if we bought one of these things, you can bet we'd freakin' let you know about it.
The best parties happen in international waters.
For more ways to show the world you're a wealthy prick, check out 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick and The 7 Most Useless Skymall Products (Reviewed Accordingly).
And stop by Linkstorm to discover which columnist owns all of these and is in an insane amount of debt.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!