Hey, it worked for Robin Hood.

But on a walk from the King's Palace to her home, Zabibah is attacked and raped by her cruel husband. Here's a line from the actual passage:

"Rape is the most serious of crimes, whether it is a man raping a woman or invading armies raping the homeland or the usurpation of rights."

Yes, the girl is Iraq, the fair-haired (?) King is Saddam himself, and the cruel husband is the United States of America. And if you actually needed that explanation to get the subtext, you owe your elementary school English teacher a sternly worded note, though you'll probably need some help writing it. Then again, perhaps we're being unfair here: We shouldn't exactly be expecting subtlety from the guy commissioning 30-foot gold statues of himself for every town square in the country.

...Is that a disco ball on his head?

He was the very essence of badass bad guy... well, except for the sappy love songs.

AND THE BANJO!

His one documented song (though it's said he wrote many more) was titled "Madonna Mia," and it was essentially a heart-wrenching ode to his beloved wife. It doesn't seem to fit into the dangerous mob boss image, but Al does manage to save a little face when you realize where he wrote most of his stuff: Alcatraz prison. And that's balls. In a place where you're sodomized and stabbed and then sodomized again just to "fuck the knife out of you," Capone sat in his cell and played dainty love ballads. On a banjo.

In a cell that was much nicer than the average dorm room.

The signatures on the drawings have been officially authenticated as Stalin's, but after analyzing the pictures, Russian psychologists have gone on record as stating that they "didn't find any expressions of homosexuality." Though they begrudgingly admitted immediately afterward that "this material of course does prompt you have this thought."

Just a little bit.

So don't worry, proud, patriotic Russians, the "Great Leader" wasn't a fancyboy or anything... he just really, really comes off like one at first.

"A little mass-murder, a little nude sketching, a little mass murder, a little nude sketching..."

But it was his love for basketball that puts him on this list. Kim Jong Il's favorite player was, of course, Michael Jordan, and that makes sense. They've basically been in a media blackout since the mid-90s, they're probably just now getting Space Jam.

Because North Korea doesn't have enough problems.

He was such a fan of Jordan's, in fact, that he owned a VHS recording of every single game he played with the Bulls. He even invited Michael to North Korea for a meeting and a friendly game or two, but perhaps not approving of North Korea's controversial "Kidnap Everybody Kim Jong Il Thinks is Amusing" policy, Jordan declined. When Secretary of State Madeleine Albright visited North Korea in 2000, she gave him a basketball signed by Mr. Jordan. A nice gesture, to be sure. For anybody else, that gets put right on the mantle. For Kim Jong Il, that ball gets displayed in the Museum of International Understanding, which he built.

For the ball.

Albright picked well, is what we're trying to say.

Kim was so obsessed with basketball that he wanted to turn North Korea into a national basketball powerhouse, and was constantly bringing in coaches to give seminars on the fundamentals of basketball, and had regulation basketball courts built at every one of his palaces.

But that's all pretty tame, it's just missing that trademark Kim Jong twist... and here it is: It's not the basketball you're thinking of; Kim "invented" the game we're talking about. The main difference between the basketball you know and Kim's version is the scoring system: Three points for a dunk, four points for a three pointer that touches nothing but the net, negative one point for missing a free throw, and eight points for a shot in the last three seconds.

And those are just the officially documented ones. Off the record, we heard you have to play the rest of the game upside down for traveling, goaltending gets you a week of reduced rations and for the love of Christ, do not foul in the fourth quarter: Your family gets eaten by wolves.

In all North Korean sporting, the Great Leader is the only one who wins.

Theodore Hawkins writes at Thebackofthefridge.wordpress.com

If you missed it, here's our article on why North Korea is the funniest evil dictatorship ever. For the lowdown on some American leaders, check out the Cracked classic The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All Time.

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