Furthermore, the ancient Romans' flirtations with the animal kingdom are near-legendary. Donkeys, baboons, geese, dogsÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ¢ÃÂÃÂ¯ÃÂÃÂ¿ÃÂÃÂ½ÃÂÃ¢ÂÂÃÂÃÂ¦ you'd be hard-pressed to find a species that the Romans didn't defile at some point. This reaches epic levels of insanity when you learn that Roman women would often masturbate with live fucking snakes, which were trained to "suckle the nipples."
The Roman attitude towards bestiality was so relaxed that many Roman citizens indulged in it, up to and including their goddamn emperor. But they met their match with the Egyptians, who according to the Greek historian Herodotus "mastered the art of sexual congress with a crocodile." They didn't just fuck crocodiles, they fucking mastered it.
"You'll find my Ph.D. wedged in his asshole."
If you're reading Cracked, you're probably the type of person who already knows that sadomasochism was named after the Marquis de Sade. But he didn't invent it.
Alternatively known as "bondage," "S & M" and "get the fuck out of my apartment," sadomasochism involves two consenting partners engaging in a style of sexual roleplay characterized by domination and submission. One partner, the dominant, inflicts pain, while the other partner, the submissive, receives it. S & M covers a wide range of activities, from simple verbal abuse and light spanking to full-blown flogging and humiliation.
So if de Sade wasn't the father of sadomasochism, who was?
Tarquinia's Tomb of the Floggings contains some of the earliest erotic artwork known to man, and they're almost 2,500 years old (dating around 470 BC). In addition to numerous depictions of orgies and guy-on-guy butt-tastic sex, we have a scene of what is clearly two dudes filling out one woman while whipping her back.
Also, she appears to have bitten one of them in half.
So the next time you see a leather sex club and think to yourself that you're watching the downfall of modern society, keep this in mind: They were doing full-on S & M orgies five centuries before the New Testament.
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