Then at a San Francisco business conference, Coke also pledged to go water neutral. Well, actually they said they "aspire to put back" what they "take out." Aspire. You can aspire to anything; take a poll of a first grade classroom and you'll get 18 kids aspiring to be astronauts, four aspiring to be policemen, two aspiring to be president and one special child aspiring to be a motorcycle.
Wait, it gets better! Part of the their plan is that if they take all of the water out of one village's wells, they can become "neutral" by putting the water back... into a different village. You know, like how instead of paying back your loan to your bank, they'll allow you to just give the money to some random person instead. As long as you're paying somebody, right?
Wait, isn't "Green" Also a Color?
In a thousand management meetings across the globe, the same idea takes shape:
"Hmm. Environmentalism = Green. Green is a color. Let's color our products green. Holy shit! Done! That's lunch, motherfuckers. Cocaine bisque and vodka sandwiches on me!"
For sheer, clanking brass-balled initiative, we have to admire GM the most for this kind of thing. Producer of the "gets-one-mile-per-Middle-Eastern-skirmish" Hummer, GM desperately needed a way to clean up its name and get some green cred. So, did they go for fuel-efficiency? A desperately needed push to hydrogen power? At least recycled paper in their sales flyers? Nope, they just changed their logo from blue to green. That's it!
"Welp, Earth solved, gentlemen. Earth. Fucking. Solved."
Insiders said the new color was intended "in an effort to show consumers that [GM] is leaner, greener, more focused on fuel efficiency and better able to make quick decisions."
...wait, by drawing something you can make it reality?! We had no idea this Harold and the Purple Crayon-like power existed! Hold on one second!
...and you laughed at us, Mrs. Warburton! YOU LAUGHED!