If there's anyone who knows how to handle sex in a mature and tasteful way, well, it's not comic book writers.
When they try to take on the subject things get awkward, at best. At worst, you get something that leaves you shaking your head, while staring quietly at the wall for several hours. Like...
Superman's Sex Tape
So why is Superman whoring himself in front of the cameras? Does he need money to pay for the Fortress of Solitude? No, it's all because of this guy here.
The guy, who looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters dressed up like Indiana Jones for Halloween, is named Sleez. Using whatever the hell powers allow you to do such a thing, he brainwashed two superheroes into his control, Big Barda and freaking Superman. So, did he send both heroes out to steal all the gold in the world? Kill all the other superheroes and take over the universe?
Nope, he wanted them do a porno flick, and film it. Which, we have to admit, is the same thing we would do.
Sleez, by the way, is a member of the New Gods space pantheon and was Darkseid's best pal in the whole world. But while Darkseid had the cool position of god of evil, Sleez was the god of porn. Darkseid became embarrassed of being seen with the guy and kicked him out.
Get the hell out, and take your stupid stripper's pole with you!
It gets weirder. After Sleez has shot his Superman/Barda porn movie, Darkseid finds himself a copy because he has agents on Earth whose only job is to find new porn in specialized stores for him. This is not a joke--or at least not our joke--this is actually in the story.
So there he was, watching his Earthling porn when he suddenly sees Big Barda getting her freak on. Barda, by the way, is married to another superhero, Mr. Miracle. So Darkseid does the most evil, supervillian thing he can think to do: Show Mr. Miracle the tape of his wife getting what is surely the best sex of her life from Superman.
Of course you don't tell him what's on the tape, you just make him watch it.
You truly are the god of evil, Darkseid.
Mr. Miracle, Barda's husband, quickly finds Sleez's movie studio and stops his wife and Superman from showing up on Porntube.
Sleez tries to escape through the sewers but Superman follows him. Faced with a life behind bars and without porn, he decides to end it all. He lights a match and the concentrated gases in the sewer make this story end just the way it ran, as a massive explosion of shit.
The Only Way to Save the Dinosaurs is Rape
See that guy getting romantic with that dinosaur? He is Aviax, proud member of the superhero team The Wanderers. Never heard of them before? No worries! Not even the Editor read it, which is probably how they got away with the dinosexy.
Now, we need point out that there is a fine line dividing the province of superhero costumes and that of costumes for backup dancers of homoerotic musical extravaganzas. Aviax's costume crossed the line riding a motorcycle, jumping over 20 school buses on fire and never looked back:
His powers are even more depressing. Aviax has the amazing ability to transform into any bird, one of the many creatures in nature less capable of fighting crime than a regular human. And because life was not miserable already, they gave him a weakness as if his entire self wasn't weakness enough: Aviax has hollow bones, like real birds. Which is OK for them because unlike Aviax, birds are not going to get into fist fights with super villains.
But the reason he's on this list is that he fucks dinosaurs.
There was this planet where the dinosaurs that were about to evolve into birds were dying because of some radiation. The space police called in The Wanderers since either everybody else was busy, or they dialed the wrong number. Aviax, who was immune to the radiation, came up with the plan: To add his radiation immune gene into these dinosaurs' gene pool. Is he going to use his DNA to make some in vitro dinosaurs and add them to the population? Nope. He's gonna do some dino-fuckin'.
The facial expressions on the three guys in front seem appropriate, but the two girls in the back and the disembodied head? We need to talk.
In the form of a sort-of dinosaur bird, he goes to the planet and quickly finds a lady dinosaur he deems worthy of receiving his gift of radioactive-proof DNA. But Lady Dinosaur has a boyfriend already. Hey, no problem a little aggravated assault can't fix.
Then of course Lady Dinosaur runs like hell, but Aviax catches her, pins her down and has his way with her.
And after all the horrible, soul scarring acts are said and done, Aviax runs off before she wakes up. And we bet he didn't call her in the morning.
So what did Aviax accomplish? God alone knows, because The Wanderers didn't stick around to see if the dinosaur actually got pregnant, or if the baby was born alright or lived long enough to reproduce. They didn't even check if he inherited Aviax's immunity to radiation. So, his only accomplishment? He raped a dinosaur. Hey, what did you accomplish today?
"OK, guys, here is the plan. We bury him here, then we change our names and never speak about this day again."
Astro Boy's Anal Fixation
Is there a more perfect idea for a kid's cartoon than Osamu Tezuka's Astro Boy? He is a superhero robot boy who saves humanity from big evil robots, and he lives with his robot family and the wacky scientist who mentors him. How can you screw up this idea? It's impossible! What's that, Astro Boy? You need an oil change? Sure, go ahead we can wait a-
So... it goes right in his ass, then.
Yes, back in the early days, for reasons we can only speculate *cough*Tezuka was a pedo*cough*, Astro Boy's manga included scenes of Astro Boy getting his ass oiled by his mom. Yes, we get it! Astro Boy is a robot, so he needs oil. But why is he getting a Texaco enema instead of drinking the oil from a can like all normal cartoon robots? Really, Astro, by oiling your butt you are just making Robot NAMBLA's job easier. At least they don't do this in front of the guests.
We don't know Spanish, but that sure looks like a lot of words just to say, "STOP FUCKING DOING THAT!"
Alright, so we're making too big a deal out of a couple of panels that feature some anal lube. Probably just a one-off thing, right?
You know better than that.
He puts the butt in... eh... rifle butt.
Yes, Astro Boy had a whole arsenal of weapons to fight evil, and all these weapons are inside his ass. Ha! And you laugh at cavity searches in airports. Maybe Astro needs all that ass oiling to keep the guns from getting stuck in there.
We know this sounds more stupid than gross, but please remember this is the robotic version of Superman pointing his ass at Lex Luthor and blowing his head off with a well aimed turd. In a way it is an amazingly cruel weapon: With most weapons, the pain ends when it kills you, but the ass guns keep hurting you and your loved ones long after your demise.
The Avengers are Totally OK with Incest Rape
Truth, Justice and the American Way are all diametrically opposed to Mom Rape, which is why this crap doesn't fly with most superhero teams. If someone had tried it with the X-Men, you would need a mop to pick up his adamantium-stabbed, laser-burned remains. Lucky for Marcus Danvers, he tried it with the Avengers.
Despite their moniker of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" they do not enjoy the same popularity or respect as other teams. It's not surprising when you remember the team includes Thor, a god worshiped by marauding rapist barbarians; Giant Man, a wife beater; Iron Man, an alcoholic; and a certain green monster only famous for losing his shit and punching down buildings on a daily basis. And those are the famous guys. Makes you think Captain America only joined them to keep an eye on them.
So one day the Avengers return to their mansion and find their fellow superhero Ms. Marvel eight months pregnant, and she was not pregnant at all yesterday.
Will they investigate and fight whatever alien entity is using poor Ms. Marvel as a freak baby factory?
Or they can act like giggling schoolgirls at their first Baby Shower. Yeah, that can work too.
A little later, despite the help of the Avengers, Ms. Marvel gives birth to Marcus without dying or bursting into flames. The seemingly normal baby begins to grow up quickly because there is no time to lose when incest is the game. And from his mouth we learn where he comes from.
What? OK, see if you can follow this shit:
So the Avenger's supervillain, Immortus, was feeling lonely in his own dimension. He kidnapped some woman and made her fall in love with him with his "machines." We assume the machine in question is a robot that shoots rohypnol darts at anything with boobs.
And from this half happy/half brainwashed union, a son was born (into this other dimension). But the family wouldn't stay together, the mom drifted back to Earth and Immortus, thanks to some time traveling shenanigans, fought and killed a younger version of himself erasing himself off the map. Wait! Shouldn't Marcus cease to exist too? HEY, no time for questions!
At this point in the story, anybody else would have jumped over the guy and started delivering punches like a drunken Chris Brown at the Spousal Abuse Olympics, but these are the Avengers. Really, Thor probably thinks Marcus is a wuss for using his date rape machine instead of just leaving her unconscious with a hammer blow to the head.
Wait, there's more! It is of course at this point in the story, after Marcus has popped out of Ms. Marvel's birth canal, that they begin a romance. Yes, when Marcus is ready to go back to his own dimension, alone, Ms. Marvel is moved by his story (and also by his brainwashing machines) and decides to live with him.
Hey, why not? It's at this point that Iron Man puts the final touches to the story.
Well, Ms. Marvel just got brainwashed, abused and finally kidnapped and taken by the son of one of your enemies to the super duper rape dimension right in front of your eyes. So yeah, we guess it all turned out awesome for you and everybody who is not Ms. Marvel.
Giant Vaginas Everywhere!
Who wouldn't want to have genitals the size of a fire truck? Let us tell you who wouldn't: women. Comic book artists have been smuggling giant vaginas into comics for quite a long time. Usually by drawing things that are not vaginas but have the shape of vaginas. For instance the interdimensional gate from the pages of Hawkgirl you can see above. To open it you have to buy her dinner first and from some place fancy.
Or these well lubricated alien monsters from the pages of Flash.
We don't know how Flash can fight these things. If you punch them your whole arm will go inside, and then things can get pretty awkward. And the last thing Flash's marriage needs is alien monsters calling to the house with "Hey, remember that time your fist got inside me... wanna go to the movies or something? I miss you."
But those are just things that look like vaginas, not actual vaginas. After all, a real giant vagina would never get past an editor, right?
Oh, wait. Meet Valda.
Valda first appeared in the backup story of Countdown to Adventure. Her superpower, other than being able to eat your house by sitting on it, is to give birth to weapons. We are not sure how that works, what kind of weapons come out or how much they need to clean them before use; because after her first appearance, she never showed up again.
Despite that, Valda was a bonafide member of the team of heroes from that story; she appeared a grand total of one panel. It's like Abraham Lincoln used to say, "You can smuggle a giant vagina some of the time, but you can't smuggle giant vaginas all the time." At least to us that sounds completely unnecessary; after all, giving Valda a plus sized muumuu would have solved the problem.
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