5 Bizarre Sexual Conditions That Can Ruin Your Life
Sometimes you hear on the news about weird medical conditions that actually cause more sex than normal. And when you hear about the poor dude whose condition caused him to have sex with 300 women you think, hell, how do I catch that shit?
But these conditions are kind of like eating at Taco Bell. It may sound awesome in theory, but personal experience may leave you with internal bleeding.
Commonly referred to as nymphomania by Internet perverts and perverts who still eschew technology but like the idea just the same; hypersexuality is what happens when your libido cranks the dial to 11 and leaves it there.
Frat guys throughout history have fantasized about dating a "total nympho," thinking they'll wind up with a special lady friend with a sex drive that rivals a three dicked hummingbird on E. It's been the subject of more Penthouse letters than can possibly be counted.
"And this one time, she tried to have sex with me while she was already having sex with me. It was awesome."
For menfolk, the condition is known as satyriasis, which is Greek for "having the wang of a goat-legged man" and it means you are now Wilt Chamberlain, minus the distraction of basketball.
Why it Would Suck:
A woman in the UK developed hyerpsexuality after suffering a massive brain hemorrhage, which seems like a really awesome superhero background story. Not expected to live, she surprised everyone by waking up and trying to ride her husband like a Shetland pony.
Some of you guys are still rooting for the disorder at this point, but that's because you're probably assuming the "nympho" only has the hots for you. Unfortunately, that's not how compulsions work. The victim estimates she boned about 50 random, and probably surprised, strangers in the two years since her accident.
Her husband frequently gets called home from work because she's in the driveway trying to bone some random dude. Nowadays she can no longer work, and her ability to focus is on par with an eight-year-old armed with a television remote which, in this case, is shaped like a wiener.
Yeah, it turns out pretty much anything can stop being fun once you're only doing it due to a short-circuit in your brain. And this is actually worse than say, compulsive over-eating or sleeping, because those don't carry a stigma that will make you famous around the neighborhood and, well, on websites like this one.
Priapus was a Greek fertility god known for his excellent quiche and the fact he was sporting a two-foot boner all the time. When eternal two-foot boners fell out of fashion, they gave the god's name to the medical condition priapism, which is wood that just won't quit.
Priapus. But you probably didn't need us to tell you that.
This is considered one of those "good problems" in a culture where erectile dysfunction ranks a notch above "terror attack" on most men's Panic Scale. This is why the "herbal Viagra" industry dominates email spam. Millions of men think having their groin turned into a pube enshrouded temple of awesome for hours at a time would accomplish most of their life goals.
Why it Would Suck:
The problem with priapism is that nothing can bring your little soldier down from attention. Even when you've had your fun, he's still saluting. Doesn't sound so bad except that, when you're hard all the time it's the result of blood pumping in to the wang but not out. This can lead to blood clots, gangrene and the future inability to ever have an erection again. Oh, and pain. Severe pain.
For people who have to get medical attention for this--and it's not uncommon--the solution starts with the cringe worthy tactic of packing your crotch with ice. If exposure to frostbite inflicting levels of cold fails to work, they can try needles, shunts, drainage and injections of decongestants into your shiny new dicksicle.
Generally speaking, those are the frontline treatments, like say if your wang has been up for more than four hours or so. Some people--like a Peruvian farmer whose name was not provided so we'll just call him Chubs McWeiner--will hold out for eight solid days before seeking medical attention. Eight days with what we have to assume by the end looked an awful lot like a bratwurst stuffed with grape jelly.
In cases like that, surgery is the only option. We won't give you the details of the surgery (we're sure you can find pics of it out there) but let's face it, there's no non-invasive method for surgically deflating your junk.
This is kind of like sleep walking, only instead of taking a leisurely stroll down to the kitchen and pouring yourself a glass of milk, you sleep fuck. So nothing like sleep walking, other than the fact you're not awake and therefore don't realize how awesome what you're doing is. With this condition you don't even need to be awake to be a sex god. You can get in your seven hours of beauty sleep and still keep your partner in awe of your prowess.
Why it Would Suck:
Aside from not remembering the amazing sex you had, you don't get to pick your partner, which can lead to some rather embarrassing morning after moments. It's bad enough if you wake up next to the 60-year-old stripper who lives across the street after an evening of regrettable drinking, but try to imagine what it's like for some poor sucker like Jan Luedecke.
After nodding off after a party, he attempted to have sex with a woman who was crashed on the same couch. She woke up to find him working his mojo, presumably drooling on his footy pajamas, and tossed his ass to the floor. The impact woke him up, and while she called the cops, he went to the bathroom and found he had a condom on and not a damn clue what had happened.
"OK, there is no way you're going to believe this, officer, but..."
He was tried for sexual assault, and later acquitted since he was, in fact, able to prove that he suffered from sexomnia. No doubt by the end of the trial he was extremely thankful he hadn't fallen asleep at his grandparent's 50th anniversary party.
A paraphilia is kind of like an OCD sexual fantasy, which isn't to say you want to have sex and wash your hands three times while watching People's Court; rather you're hit with about a six month frenzy of intense sexual fantasies and urges based upon a specific act or fetish. Six months of all encompassing fantasies involving life-size cutouts of a Swedish bikini team and a turkey baster? How bad could that be?
The condition is experienced by a very small portion of the population, and of those the vast majority are male. We'd like to pretend to be shocked by that fact, but really who are we kidding?
Why it Would Suck:
Having a rich fantasy life is one thing, but paraphilias aren't just thoughts that lead your hand below the belt while you're busy reading or writing Internet comedy articles. These fantasies come with urges, and just like Sister Mary Merciless told us back in Sunday school, nothing good comes from following your urges.
Kenneth Pinyan, who has arguably one of the worst legacies a human can have, decided to act on his impulses and take a horse for a ride. So far, not traumatic. In his quest for gratification he indulged in some horseplay (see what we did there?) with a stallion at what the media dubbed a local bestiality farm, which is like Pepperidge Farm only slightly more disgusting.
Unfortunately for Kenneth, the old adage "hung like a horse" is not just colorful hyperbole, especially when you're spit-roasting yourself on a pack animal's wang.
We assume at some point during the event, Pinyan paused and thought "uh oh" and pondered if he might have done some lasting internal damage seeing as he was attempting the sexual equivalent of filling a five-pound bag with 10-pounds of horse kebob. This concern was trumped by his probably correct belief that his interspecies love affair might just raise a few eyebrows. Fearing for his job and reputation, he refused to go for medical aid and later died of complications from a perforated colon because, like mom always said, fuck a horse and you'll die from a perforated colon.
Beastiality, of course, is only one of the many horrifyingly uncomfortable paraphilias one can be afflicted with, which range from seemingly harmless if ridiculous ones like dendrophilia (a sexual attraction to trees) to nightmarish ones like coprophilia (a sexual attraction to feces) or necrophilia for you corpse lovers and emetophilia for the puke fans out there. They sound bad enough in print, but are probably even worse after your compulsion forces you to act on them and then face the family for Thanksgiving dinner after you wind up on the news for fucking a poplar.
Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome
Only recently documented, this condition can result in a near constant state of arousal for every waking moment of your day. So you're just really, really horny, right? As long as you keep a bottle of water or two handy to prevent you from withering away to a sticky husk, it doesn't really sound so bad at all.
Why it Would Suck:
When we say you're turned on all the time, we mean to the point that at the drop of a hat, you have an orgasm. The phone rings? Orgasm. White socks today? Orgasm. Caught your parents having sex? Goddamnit, orgasm.
"Oh, I am just all about this fucking sewer grate."
While a select few amongst us pride ourselves on our ability to orgasm in public (if you've ever been on a city bus you probably sat next to one at some point) most of us prefer to keep it on the down low. PSAs, on the other hand, will not. Every moment of your life could potentially be a re-enactment of the restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally and God knows no one wants to see that shit again.
"THESE FUCKING SPEAKERS!"
Only 22 cases have been described so far and the condition has only been on the books since 2001. For those who do have it, it comes prepackaged with restless leg syndrome, as well as what polite doctors call "a frequent urge to void" as well as pelvic varicosis. So you piss a lot and you have horrifying, purple crotch veins.
The constant need to orgasm doesn't come with the usual feelings of being turned on or kick ass fantasies about Jessica Alba with a loofah either. Instead, it's just there while you're trying to go about your day. So it's more like having sudden, random coughing fits or a never-ending case of the hiccups. The difference being you can actually tell people about the last two without having them either laugh or accuse you of using the world's lamest pickup line.
For more downsides to stuff that otherwise sounds awesome, check out 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences) and 6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True).
And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see which columnist suffers from priapism (it's Brockway).