4

Your Pee

Medicine.

Your piss can save lives. It turns out there's a component of urine (Urokinase) that just happens to be extremely effective at breaking up blood clots, the kind that happen when someone suffers a stroke or a heart attack. Now before you decide to piss all over someone in cardiac arrest, we should mention that it takes a special filter to separate the anticoagulant goodies from the rest of the urine, though if you were going to piss on that person anyway we suppose we can't stop you.

So if doctors and stuff can use your piss, why aren't people going door to door with buckets buying it off you? And if they're not doing that, how do they collect the stuff? Well, it turns out somebody already has a whole bunch of piss on their hands...

Yes, we're talking about the Porta-John company. By treating their more than 10,000 rental toilets like giant specimen jars, they have gotten enough product to go into the production of what their website refers to as "human sourced proteins."

A filter is placed in each Porta-John, harvesting the desired proteins on a flow by flow basis while weeding out undesired clutter such as shit, used condoms and things that lay outside the dark boundaries of the human imagination. We're guessing the guy that gets sent to retrieve these filters didn't really "wow" anybody during the interview process.

3

Your Poop

Building materials.

Putting a new twist on the old phrase "built like a brick shit house," the Japanese have found a way to make up for the annoying lack of natural building materials in their country by patenting systems that use a much more common resource--sewage--to mold bricks.

2

Your Hair (Part 2)

Cleaning up oil spills.

Turn on the news on any given night and you're likely to see depressing images of some animal or another marinating in the aftermath of an oil spill like appetizers at a chocolate fondue party.

Back in 1989, an American hairdresser named Phil McCrory was watching just such footage and decided he wouldn't be helpless any longer. Using his hairdressing knowledge, he reasoned that if the hair of a 50s greaser could hold a pint of oil, huge mats of hair could be used to soak up entire tanker spills.

History cannot agree on the exact amount of acid McCrory had taken when he got this idea, but it is generally accepted he was naked and eating macaroni out of a sock. At any rate, he began experimenting with the notion, and as a result there are now hair mats being used to combat crude oil spills worldwide.

The mats are quite effective, though they look a lot like a dreadlock that's been used as a dipstick and/or the top of Samuel L. Jackson's head in Pulp Fiction. Once laden with oil, the mats are tossed into compost heaps to be broken down into top soil by an army of worms and bacteria, which experts note is like disposing of radioactive material by stuffing it into a Twinkie and feeding it to James Gandolfini [citation needed].

1

Foreskins

Anti-aging treatments

Everyday newborn baby boys are circumcised, quickly and neatly altering their plumbing before they are old enough to remember the trauma of having their genitals mutilated with a scalpel. For years, hospitals have simply discarded the leftover bits in a container presumably reserved for the grossest of the gross surgical waste. But not anymore.

A company called Intercytex is now using some of those wee snippets of penis hat to create Vavelta, a skin treatment used to fight wrinkles and scarring.

It's nothing like cheese. Trust us.

Striving for skin as smooth as a baby's... er, foreskin, over 150 patients have now undergone the procedure, paying a stunning $1000 per vial. Each vial contains enough material to treat an area of skin the size of a postage stamp and is stuffed with over 20 million live fibroblast cells, all isolated from the original foreskins and then multiplied in a lab.

Could these experiments result in the cells multiplying out of control, and producing a giant mutant foreskin monster? Yes, according to the screenplay we started writing just now.

Still, given today's tumultuous economic times, it's refreshing to know that a gallant few are still fighting the good fight against old age by throwing down thousands of dollars to be injected with cloned baby dicks.

Hey, did you know that any damned person can write for Cracked? And that we pay cold, hard cash? Click here for details. No experience necessary.

For more examples on how human excrement is benefiting mankind, check out 6 Ways They're Turning Random Crap into Alternative Energy. Or find out about how our friends from nature are helping us live better, in 6 Disgusting Ways Animals Can Improve Your Health.

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