6

Retarded Rambo Defused by the Power of Beer and Generosity

Thomas Clemens took his wife, her friend and their twin infant daughters hostage, thereby scoring a 4x "women and children" innocent victim combo bonus. The police found him with an AK-47 in one hand, a 12-gauge in the other, a Glock and a Magnum tucked into his waistband--and presumably the most terrified pair of testicles in the world just below the barrels.

This was a serious problem for the police, who know there are many ways a situation like this can go wrong, and not a lot where it can go right. Then sergeant Richard Horner asked "Wait a minute... what if he's retarded?"

Horner, hereafter to be known as Saint Manly the King, approached Mr. Clemens, who was adding to his "Armed Asshole Of The Year" resume by swigging beer with one hand while waving automatic weapons around with the other (alas, he failed to mix the two up, thereby saving the world the hassle).

Horner casually asked Thomas if he could have a swig of the beer.Thomas figured "Hey, this guy likes beer like I do--and he has a gun like I do! Maybe these police fellas aren't so bad!" When he leaned over to share the beer, the cops piled on and violent subduing ensued.

"Where did I go wrong? I guess I'll never know."

Nobody was hurt, and Thomas had to live with the fact that he probably could have held out if he had just been a little more of an alcoholic.

5

Outnumbered 60 to Nothing

When a Michigan sheriff and two deputies went to serve a warrant on John Shulick, he didn't react well. He came down the stairs, smashed the sheriff in the face with the butt of a shotgun, then sprinted back inside. Police from all over the area sped to the scene, and the standoff was on.

More than 60 cops showed up, guns trained on the building. All roads were closed. People huddled in their homes, anticipating the well-armed madman going out in a Scarface-style hail of bullets.

Hours passed. The man wouldn't respond to pleas, orders or threats. He wouldn't say anything at all, in fact. The siege dragged on for 35 hours. It seemed as if nothing would break the will of this psychopath. The police fired tear gas canisters, presumably to relieve the monotony, but there was no response, mainly since Shulick's furniture is incapable of human speech.

"But we do know how to love."

That is to say, Shulick wasn't home. What the cops didn't know was after his confrontation with the sheriff, he bolted out of a back door to the building. The cops had been having a tense standoff with an empty apartment. A confused Shulick was apprehended shortly thereafter hiding on a neighbor's boat.

We guess it could have been worse. They could have found out they were having a standoff with a cardboard cutout, as cops in New Jersey did.

4

Daycare Bomber Demands a Very Special Episode

3

SWAT vs. 60-Year-Old Santa

2

The (Surrendering) Republic of Texas

A group of over-armed confederetards called "The Republic of Texas" barricaded themselves in their embassy and, announcing that Texas was illegally annexed in 1845, claimed that the last century and a half simply didn't count. Congratulations if you guessed that the "embassy" was a trailer.

Their toilet doubles as a conference room and Parliament.

These living embodiments of everything wrong with the South declared that they would re-enact the Alamo, albeit a significantly smaller and stupider version (an Alamette?) rather than surrender. But when faced with actual professionals who obviously shot things other than beer cans, the Republic rebels promptly sobered the fuck up and surrendered. They did insist on it being described as "a Texas-wide cease fire," because when men with guns have to explain that your mobile home is not a country, preserving your dignity is important.

1

Ten Hour Stand-Off Outside Crack Dealer's Vagina

Hey, remember that porno where the guy in the police uniform confronts a chick and says, "Ma'am, we saw you with drugs. I'm going to have to search you," and she says, "I'm sorry, officer, but they're in my vagina"?

Oh, wait, that wasn't a porno. It was a news story in the San Francisco Chronicle.

"Your vagina, eh? How about I remove it with my nightstick. Seriously. Get it out or I'll beat you to death."

The cops had busted the woman (a suspected drug dealer) when she had the ingenious idea of cramming the bag of crack up her crotch. The police took her to the hospital and, search warrant in hand, demanded staff retrieve the evidence for them. The staff refused, quoting regulations and lack of equipment. But we're pretty sure they just looked at a woman whose panic response was "fix problem by grabbing it and shoving it into my vagina" and didn't want to get within 10 feet without a HAZMAT team.The cops weren't happy, and even threatened to arrest one doctor for refusing to cooperate.

Now, as a society we have very good reasons for not allowing officers to scream "FOR JUSTICE!" and jam their hands into any pelvis they want. We're also all for medical ethics. But it seems like when someone stuffs their genitals with narcotics, the violating has already been done. When the patient is such a crack-whore that she literally has a vagina full of crack, it's probably for her benefit as much as anyone's that you get that shit out of there.

And, if possible, can the nurse who extracts it look like this?

The dealer eventually realized that the police weren't just going to let her go ("We would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for your meddling labia!") and handed over the crack, which we're assuming the police refused to handle with anything other than one of those remote-control bomb squad robots.

For more insanity from the people who are supposed to be helping and protecting us, check out 5 Horrifying Tales Of 911 Incompetence and 7 Ridiculous Cases Where Animals Were Put On Trial.

And check out Cracked's standoff with Internet vigilantes in our Top Picks section (it was Brockway's fault).