100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines
If you want a perfect demonstration of the "1,000 typing monkeys accidentally creating a masterpiece" phenomenon, look no further than your spam subject lines.
The jumbled mash of nonsense spammers use to get around spam filters creates a kind of surreal poetry that some believe will one day be assembled as proof that the Internet has become sentient. Over the years I've gathered actual subject lines from fans for posterity, so please enjoy our amazing and horrifying collection, with my commentary.
100. Life Lesson: Most rhyming advice is just wrong:
99. This one sounds like an eight-year-old describing the human reproductive process:
98. Here's the same kid describing how our last party ended:
97. Instead of a flying carpet, the tiny little genie flew his...
96. Sure, it's promising plural dicks and that they'll be torpedo-sized. But it's not like they explode or anything.
95. I think we know how you solve your financial problems, Mr. DaggerSharpBlade.
94. Many a college male has had to make this late-night decision:
93. But they'll never get past the new Gay Delta Force!
92. Look, Internet, we're trying to have a civilization over here.
91. DAMNIT WHAT DID I JUST SAY
90. Here's some erotic Social Services fan fiction:
89. You ever get so mad you just start screaming random insults at people?
88. Indiana Jones and the...
87. I actually wanted to reply to this just to talk to her about her self esteem:
86. "You girls enjoy yourselves, I'm getting something to eat."
85. "Here you go, little guy! It's a little camouflage hat."
84. "Son, you're going through some big changes at your age. Soon you'll be heading down..."
83. "Well, Jim, it looks like a simple case of..."
82. "OK, I'm giving you SIX WORDS to convince me to come to your poker website."
81. In the porn world, "Smexy" is a sexy Mexican, "apsian" is an ape-like Asian... hmmm, I'll have to look up the rest:
80. "Is this your box, sir? I'm going to need to see some..."
79. Is "officeslut" here the verb? Noun?
78. The Spanish, gay version of the above porno:
77. I don't care about the discount, STOP TRYING TO SELL ME THE BOOK OF EVIL.
76. Everything this man knows about sex he learned from cartoons:
75. They protested female priests, but nobody complained about...
74. I can't really decode what they're saying here but- OH MY GOD THE NAZIS HAVE BATARANGS
73. Yes! Wait! No! No!
72. I'm going to start a new religion called...
71. A newsletter for people who have the worst job in the world:
70. Actually, I think I found one worse than that:
69. With this job, I'm not sure I want a future...
68. Sexy Victoria is forced to convert to Catholicism when...
67. He eats tools and...
66. What's the saddest thing?
65. There was no closing tag so the whole rest of the message was pickle.
64. A sadly failed pick-up line:
63. Though the success of this one really depends on the girl, and how vivid her imagination is...
62. In the sense that... I don't know... it's shaped like a Klansman?
61. If you want TV coverage of your little peace protest, try punching it up a little:
60. Taken from the price list at a brothel in Bangkok:
59. These people are going to try to sell me a tiny American flag...
58. "The McDonald's Double Quarter-Pounder. It's so good..."
57. Could there be a more disturbing mental image than this?
55. Birkleigh is a big Ayn Rand fan...
54. And you thought the kids teased you about your name?
53. It's the second word that makes the mental image on this one...
52. Well, when they caught us playing this at summer camp, they made us meet with a counselor...
51. The team of superheroes you only call when all the other ones are busy:
And The Secret MonsterDicks are lead by...
50. The sad thing is, even if they remove all the adjectives, I still don't want it.
49. Two examples of why it's important to read the gray subtitle on your spam emails:
48. I wish I had clicked on this one, to find out what his meat uttered.
47. Maybe it was about to prophesize the upcoming...
46. I'm actually going to write a virus that does this:
45. "Sure, it's cruel to the animal. But feel my jacket! It's genuine..."
44. "We've just heard back from the..."
"...and now you have to board the..."
43. With a name like this, I don't need your advice!
42. Wait, does it make it bigger, or just louder?
41. This is bad no matter what "contravariant" means...
40. Ladies, for the last time, DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THESE STUDIES. The two guys in the van are not real scientists.
39. Tonight Suzie became a lady. It was her...
38. In advertisements of the future, a doctor on TV will look right into the camera and say:
37. In political ads it will be a big guy screaming this:
36. I have a horrible feeling this is a diet supplement and exercise program combined:
35. Wouldn't it be more impressive to drive a car on it?
34. It's the adventures of...
33. Verb or noun?
32. My autobiography...
31. You have successfully convinced me to buy your product!
30. If she's naughty, how can I trust her accuracy?
29. I bet there's tons of pressure to succeed when you're born into this sender's family...
28. From the "I hadn't, but now that you mention it I can't stop thinking about it" category:
27. There are really two main male fantasies: scoring the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, and scaring a woman with your mutant dick:
26. Subject lines are a great source of band names:
25. Four words you don't want to hear from the fortune teller:
24. As if things weren't tough enough in that sad place...
23. Really, do they ever go out of style?
22. What's worse than being alone in bed?
21. I actually did feel compelled to respond to this one:
20. I think I heard a hot dog vendor shouting this at me the other day:
19. "Hello Mr. Thompson, I'm here to pick up your daughter. My name is..."
18. Not so much a side effect as a byproduct...
17. An appeal to the Islamic fundamentalist porn surfers...
16. Look, random spam subject line writers, you need to know that there are certain words that just kill the porn mood...
15. A well-meaning documentary on Africa, circa 1942...
14. This guy may not have the right attitude for sales...
13. Are you like me, and do you constantly leave little post-it note reminders for yourself? And when you try to decipher them the next day, they read like this:
12. Yeah, baby! Try our pill and lose up to a pint an hour!
11. "Abuse Team! Assemble! And activate the..."
10. This is how a gentleman does it...
9. This cautionary tale brought to you by the American Bra Council...
8. Call me a homophobe, but I'd rather hear there was a serial killer stalking my neighborhood than have this guy prowling around, looking for victims...
7. The problem with updating "daily" is you eventually run out of ideas...
6. If you click on this e-mail, Chris Hansen kicks in your door...
5. Children, DO NOT ANSWER THIS E-MAIL. This guy's part of that operation in the last e-mail...
4. THIS GUY TOO! I'm calling the FBI.
3. OK, PLEASE TAKE ME OFF THE PEDOPHILE MAILING LIST!
2. Son of a bitch!
1. "Fine, how about we put you on this mailing list instead?"