Sean "Seanbaby" Reiley was writing comedy over at Seanbaby.com when Cracked was a poor man's MAD Magazine. He's been a major influence on some of our best writers, and starting in April, he's going to be Cracked.com's newest columnist. "Seanbaby's Flying Blind on a Rocket Cycle" will be our first new column since Robert Brockway came along back in November and started punching words through your computer screen. Today, we're introducing him to some of you, and reintroducing him to the rest, with his look back at some of the most disturbingly erotic old school games.
Just like orphans and tap dancing, eroticism and video games were meant to be together. Barrel-throwing gorillas and nudity are a perfect match, and sand paintings show that even as far back as ancient Egypt primitive man has been mixing pornography with Zaxxon. But "adult game" designers often cross the line between sexily risque and fucking lunacy.
Warning: Some of the things and the breasts attached to them discussed in this article may confuse and frighten younger readers. If you are one of them, please stop reading and go play any of the games where you splatter the heads off of aliens with a rocket launcher.
One day, a game designer was playing Tetris and said, "What if I was playing this type of game, but at the same time had a huge erection?" Bubble Bath Babes was born. It's a lot like Tetris, only there's a naked woman on the screen as you play.
Also, as you do well, the game shows you screenshots of slutty women surrounded by flowers and screaming about bubble baths. For example, one girl in a bikini shrieks, "WAY TO GO HOT SHOT! CARE TO LATHER ME UP?" And if that doesn't put you in the mood for sex and Tetris at the same time, you're either a robot or a gay robot.
While the screenshots you earn in Bubble Bath Babes are easier to masturbate to than any of the bonus screens the original Tetris gave you, they're still not that sexy. When a badly rendered woman who clearly can't speak English is trying to seduce someone with puns about soap bubbles, it's an uphill battle. It doesn't matter how attractive she is. She could be playfully washing your car with a group of topless cheerleaders, but when the words "POP MY BUBBLE NOW I BET I CAN MAKE YOUR'S BURST!" come out of her mouth, you're going to be a little too busy backing cautiously away to have anyone bursting all over your bubbles.
Nudity Challenge: 9/10
Each level, the screaming women get more and more nude, losing a little bit more of their mind each time. So by the point of full nudity, you'll probably have to strap a straitjacket on her anyway. Not that anyone would know. Getting them out of their panties requires such a fantastic level of hand-eye coordination and rapid reflexes that it becomes a death trap. Because if you masturbated using your amazing dexterity, there's a good chance it'll end with a pleasure-induced brain seizure and a fucking disturbing corpse for your landlord to find.
This is a tit-based spoof of Street Fighter 2. Karate women face off in a pit fighting tournament where the winner takes home naked pictures of other women. Like in all fighting games, they come from varied backgrounds and cultures. There's a girl in a swimsuit and matching bird-shaped hat, a fat pro wrestler, a ballerina in her lingerie and a woman who's just wearing a snake.
Unlike other games where they come together for the glory of victory or the conquering of some retarded combat-dimension-thing, the fighting spirit that binds these noble warrior souls together is the fact that most of their martial art techniques revolve around showing their panties to one other.
There were a lot of half-naked people already in Street Fighter 2, so the actual game doesn't even seem unusually erotic. Yes, I understand there is something wrong with an industry when a group of women kicking the crap out of each other in thongs is totally normal, but fuck that; I'm not a sociologist. I'm just telling you that probably nothing in this game is going to turn you on until you win a picture of a naked girl.
If you can get off to this, I hope you're reading from
inside something with a good lock on it.
Unfortunately, that's when it gets a little bit creepy. Before the camera pans down her strategically blurred body, there's an inept attempt by the graphic artists to make it look like the girl's winking at you. A stupid graphic of an eyelid slides over one eye then disappears. And I don't know if you've ever seen anyone wink without moving the rest of their face, but it looks less like flirting and more like a horrible sleepy-waky baby doll with a broken eyeball.
Nudity Challenge: 7/10
You only earn pictures of naked women if you beat the game on a high level of difficulty, and the fact that each character has a total of three possible attacks makes it hard to keep your enemies guessing. And Strip Fighter 2's controls are so unresponsive, you usually can't tell which of the women you're supposed to be controlling. I forgot, am I the fatty or the bird-headed Indian? And more importantly, how in the name of balls can I masturbate to either?
Since it's hard to stay awake through a whole fight, you can usually only tell if you've won if you get the terrifying winking naked woman afterward.
In Burning Desire, you play the role of a naked air rescue worker swooping in to save a woman from cannibals. She's tied to a pedestal and being slowly burned to death. For your daring rescue, you dangle yourself from a helicopter and drip the fire out with one of the two rod-shaped things jutting out of your pelvis. I'm not a physiologist, but I'd like to think the one squirting all over the fire and the distressed lady's face is a fire hose and not a monstrous ejaculating penis, but because this was released as an ADULT game, I have a feeling we should all be pretty grossed out.
Two things growing out of your groin, and both of them
are longer than your legs.
Once you put out the fires that are cooking the woman alive, you lower yourself down to her. Her near-food experience didn't make her any less cock crazy, so she'll grab your previously unused, non-squirting rod with her mouth and hold on with her teeth as you fly away. So if you're still trying to solve the mystery that the bad graphics have given us, you're either a rescue worker carrying a fire hose and airlifting a woman out mouth-first with your penis, or you have double the normal amount of reproductive organs, one of them a handle and the other a fire extinguisher. Whichever of those fantasies this erotic game is trying to create, unnhh! oh my God-- ohmigod I NEED THIS GAME INSIDE ME!!!
Nudity Challenge: 2/10
Putting out the fire takes a few minutes, and while you're doing it, the only thing natives can do is throw rocks at the strange flying machine stealing their lunch. And just like you'd expect, a rock is no match for a helicopter dangling a naked man with a groin that can put out forest fires. The actual rescue is simple, but your only reward is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it animation of a half-monster woman sixty-nining you.
"Thank you, miss, but I'm just doing my job. There's no reason
to... um, sit on my face and suck my balls."
And if riding out of the jungle biting on the end of a man's unit didn't give you a good indication of how smart this woman is, it takes this dumbass all of three seconds to find her way from your face back to the native people's cooking pot to start the whole ordeal over.
The Yakyuken Special is a complicated game. First you select from a stable of cute Japanese girls to play Rock-Paper-Scissors against. Actually, "cute" isn't the right word for all of them. Some of these girls are at least half donkey. After you pick one, she politely gives her name, measurements and age, and then challenges you to Rock-Paper-Scissors. If you win, she removes a piece of clothing. Then there's a video of her dancing. But not a sexy, stripper dance. All the girls dance like adorable bouncing princesses.
"Little girl! Listen very carefully! Run away from the man
with the camera--run away as fast as you can!"
Of course, this is a game from Japan. We should just be happy that an octopus demon didn't slither into the room and take a crap on her forehead.
The innocence never leaves these dancing girls' faces. There are times where you swear they have no idea that getting naked and dancing on a Sega Saturn is naughty. They have the same demeanor they'd have if they were performing in a talent show for their grandmothers. That means that no matter how naked they get, you, the player, are the one who feels dirty. Here's the thing, though: That doesn't make it less hot. Because whether you're innocently smiling while you hop in your underwear or climbing a sleazy juice-bar's pole with your vagina, if you're an Asian teenager, perverted old men are going to like it.
Nudity Challenge: 9.5/10
Each strip-showdown lasts until someone loses five times. By that time, it's either game over, or you're watching a prancing nude girl spread the spirit of friendship with her smile and exposed nipples.
Above: The Yakyuken Special is unleashed! Inset: ass
Unfortunately, this game cheats. I swear it fucking cheats. Statistically, in Rock-Paper-Scissors, you should win about half the games. Here you maybe win one out of every 50 games. If you manage to spend the time and effort required to get a girl in this game to adorably peel her panties off, you probably could have gotten laid 30 to 40 times by actual women. The Yakyuken Special is like buying a stack of porno and only letting yourself read it if you can call a coin-flip 50 times in a row. That being said, believe this: You can lose at this game for 10 hours and spend each minute of it happy.
Note: For censorship reasons, all genitalia referred to in this particular review have had their original names replaced with the name of a vehicle.
With your Gigolo game cartridge and a little imagination, you and your Atari 2600 could go on an exciting ride into the world of street prostitution. The object of the game is to go from door to door and hump any men you find inside. When you find a customer, the game switches to an action sequence of you riding his throbbing Dune Buggy in his unfurnished apartment. Press the joystick up to shift your Hovercraft to the tip of his Fire Truck, then press the joystick down to slide your Rollerskate back down to the base of his Speedboat. You receive one dollar for each of these successful humps.
When the John is finished with you, you'll know, because he'll kick your cheap Dirtbike out onto the sidewalk. It's then up to you have to navigate through the empty streets and return the money to your pimp's walk-up window. The only real challenge of the game comes from the fact that many random houses contain people unwilling to solicit a prostitute, and they will throw you into the street and call the police. Then it becomes a mad scramble to escape the cops by ducking into houses and hoping someone in there will let you lay low while they pay you to bounce up and down on their Helicopter.
Assuming this wasn't the Atari 2600 and the graphics DIDN'T look like two oatmeal robots humping, there's still nothing that desirable about running from house to house, jumping on strange naked men and fucking them on the carpet: take it from me.
Nudity Challenge: 3/10
You only get three lives, represented by small Paddle Boats in the top left hand corner, and you lose one every time the police arrest you. You'll run through these pretty quickly since you can't know if anyone's interested in the affordable treats in your pants until you barge right into their house and whip out your Zambonie.
As you can see, this customer has spent so much of his money on your
Big Wheel that he couldn't afford a bed.
That means that if you're unlucky, a lot of games of Gigolo end without even one opportunity to sell your sweet Rocket Ship. You won't mind losing, though; since controlling the stroking of someone's Bobsled in and out of your Forklift isn't much of a reward.
It was inevitable that a Japanese game designer would follow their Japanese/English dictionary along a trail of mistranslation leading from "happy" to "whimsical" to "gay" and finally to "fucking hell, that is ass-demolishing gay." It looks like that's what happened here. Cho Aniki is a cross between Gradius and lubricated men having sex with each other. You start the game as a nine-story flying man in a Speedo firing lasers out of your viking hat, and yes you read the beginning of this sentence correctly.
The main boss is a pyramid of men in bikinis launching Skittles out of
After a few minutes of this, you are transported to a dimension of pure homoerotica. You swim through the air with your two nude male assistants, who follow beside you and recline into various sexy positions. The three of you fight off hordes of tiny chariots filled with naked men, rocket-powered dildos with naked men dangling from them and giant naked men using other giant naked men as pogo sticks.
Let me try to paint this baby-oil massage of a mental picture: The first boss is a monstrously huge man wearing a metal sphere for a codpiece. As you blast it, a second phallic-shaped man comes out of his crotch and tries to jab you with his stretching penis-arms and penis-head. While this is all going on, humpy jazz music is being mixed with the sounds of a woman panting. That sound you're hearing is probably you screaming, either from homophobic panic or from someone putting things up your ass.
Nudity Challenge: 0/10
The game itself isn't that hard if you know what you're doing. The only tough part is keeping your hand-eye coordination when things like a severed head riding a penis tries to kill you.
If you lose, one or both of your naked men fall in love with the stage boss.
Plus, even if you're terrible at it, and can't unlock the later, gayer levels, the game's intro features all the grinning, posing naked men you could ever want. It's not the worst shooter ever made, but it is the worst shooter to advocate putting your mouth on a man's asshole, and that's a good way for an impressionable kid to catch dysentery.
The object of Beat 'em & Eat 'em is simple. You control two naked women who run back and forth trying to catch falling semen in their mouth. You might ask why someone would do something like that. Well, the manual says that each drop of this stranger's seed "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." The problem with that, and this is an actual medical fact, is that whether you swallow sperm from the sky or let it splatter all over the sidewalk, it's going to give you the same number of famous baby lawyers: zero. Also, if someone is masturbating off a roof onto people's heads, chances are he's not the best gene stock.
I suppose we shouldn't expect the designers of a game about a penis with a head stroking itself to be geniuses, but what happens when they settle down with their
There's something non-erotic about skipping past the courting, past the foreplay, past the actual sex and getting straight to the sperm-swallowing. They might as well have skipped directly to sleeping on the wet spot.
Nudity Challenge: 8/10
This game gets hard. I don't know how long this naked fruitcake on the roof has been without coitus, but his balls have a hell of a lot of germ waiting to be spurted free. As the game goes on, his seed falls like the goddamn rain and catching all of it in your mouth requires a miracle of perversion and reflexes. However, for each falling wave of future doctors you manage to swallow, you're rewarded with a disgusting animation of the women licking their lips. And due to the primitive graphics of the 2600, their attempt at drawing lips made it look like they have full beards.
Custer's Revenge is a dramatic historical recreation of the battle of Little Big Horn, slightly rewritten to appeal to our adult fantasies. Instead of being killed by the savage godless Sioux and Cheyanne Indians, Custer wades through a hail of arrows to hump a woman tied to a cactus. I know what you're saying: "Finally, I can use our country's bloodiest military disaster as foreplay!"
The way Custer's manhood dangles and sways in the wind in perfect rhythm with his pink scarf creates an image more majestic than any Montana sky. However, the American Indian he's sexually assaulting sort of looks like a cocktail wienie on a toothpick. Concerned parents might be wondering how to explain this level of intense sexuality to your children. Well, the Custer's Revenge manual advises, "If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just dancing." This advice is moot, though, since if you're the kind of parent who jerks it to what looks like a gay cowboy humping a hot dog made out of Legos, you're probably reading this far, far away from the safe location to which child services has moved your children.
To their credit, despite a hail of deadly arrows, they're all smiles!
Nudity Challenge: 3/10
Getting across the screen to score points with your pelvis is mostly a matter of luck since if you see an arrow is coming at you, you usually can't move fast enough get out of its way. Also, cacti appear randomly to skewer your wang without warning. These are both formidable obstacles on your noble quest, but the real challenge must have come when Custer had to convince the seventh cavalry to go through with this operation.
Custer: "Gentlemen, you are the bravest squadron of men it has ever been this Southerner's privilege to serve with. And you will need that bravery today, as your orders are to remove my pants and underpants. I will then attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any questions?"
Custer's military advisor: "Yes, general. Several."
Developed by Koreans for the Japanese, Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is the first arcade game that combines of assaulting assholes and fortune-telling. You select from eight characters like "Mother-in-Law," "Con artist" and "Child Molester" and then, steel yourself for this, you ram a giant plastic finger into an ass that protrudes out from the arcade unit next to the words "HAVE A FUN!! ENJOY." As you poke, spank and probe, the game plays an animation of your victim wailing in pain, and then the game, and I'm not fucking kidding, rates your sexual virility based on the impact of your finger against its virtual colon. Oh, and its corporate mascot is a six-foot magical monster made out of turd.
Boong-Ga Boong-Ga's corporate mascots, a finger beast
and a turd in pajamas.
If you're anything like me, you've already asked yourself about the dangers of this technology being in the hands of two foreign powers known for giant radioactive monsters and nuclear weapons, respectively. And again, if you're like me, this train of thought quickly hits a wall when you realize that you're not an accredited expert on foreign colon-probing policies. So until one of us is, let's just assume that we're all going to die, but not quite as quickly if we stay far away from Boong-Ga Boong-Ga.
Since the entire idea behind this mess confuses me, I couldn't give it a fair Eroticism rating. So to come up with your own personal rating for how erotic this game is, rate the likelihood of you ever saying this sentence: "I am so horny after being at the arcade pretending to jam my finger up a child molester's asshole all day!"
If this game really wanted to help the world, it would
drop a steel cage around anyone who puts a quarter in it.
Nudity Challenge: 0/10
There's really no nudity to earn in this game, but after a successful game, a card pops out of the machine that "will explain your sexual behavior." And guessing what kind of people would assault a toy ass in public, it's a safe bet that each and every card reads, "You sex life big time number one disaster of freakish criminal behavior."
The object of Miss World '96 Nude is to draw out areas of the screen to uncover a picture of a nude woman. The challenge comes from the creatures who try to ram into and kill you while you're drawing. For those familiar with it, it's exactly like the game Qix, only here you "will meet hot beautiful girl." And even though it's called Miss World '96 Nude, some of the nations' women were misinformed and kept their underwear or swimsuits on. On the other hand, some nations went a little too far and are represented by women who look like they were photographed by a man trying to climb up their birth canals.
Most of the women in this game look good, that's not the problem. The problem is that at random points during gameplay, a little girl's head appears, shouts "TURNING!" and then transforms into Dracula. Then, the nude photo you're uncovering switches into a scene of absolute horror.
Hey, this isn't so bad at all...
... oh HOLY FUCK SHIT AAAAHHHHH!
Growling demon heads grow smaller demon heads out of their faces, and unleash an onslaught of terror that will cease any self-gratification you might have been starting on. The maggot-dripping vision of terror does eventually turn back into a topless girl, but by then the point is moot. It doesn't matter if a lump of dead bodies burning in a fiery pit of hell turns into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen--you're still done thinking about sex for awhile.
Nudity Challenge: 6/10
While it will probably take a few quarters and a strong stomach for demonic organ-launching madness to reveal an entire nude picture, each woman's body is silhouetted before you uncover it.
So if you have basic silhouette-decyphering skills, you can go straight for the body part you most want to look at. For example, if you like armpits, it's pretty easy to figure out where her armpits are and draw out the area around them. But keep your quarters. If you can get off on an armpit that transforms into Pinhead then back into an armpit, chances are you could masturbate to anything.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.