30 More Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians
-
Keith Mays
·
- January 24, 2009
Last year around this time, we asked Keith Mays, pioneer in the field of men who look like old lesbians, to run down the 25 best examples of this confounding phenomenon. Since that time, he has continued to update his blog with more, and in some cases better, examples of famous men who look like old gay women.
Take a man. Add eye work (unisex glasses if eye wear is needed) and BOTOX. Mix in a bad haircut or unfashionably long hair--if possible a dye job. A little doughy-ness doesn't hurt, either. Have a weakness for turtlenecks and by all means fight aging like it's a battle you can win if you try just a little harder, and there you have it: The winning formula to become a man who looks like an old lesbian.
30Jay Mariotti
He is:
An obnoxious sports writer turned obnoxious sports commentator.
Looks Like:
Someone who moved to Alaska with life partner because, during the summer, you can play softball until midnight.
29Clarence Clemons
He is:
Guy in the E-Street Band who's not on Conan, wasn't in the Sopranos and isn't the singer.
Looks Like:
Nose tackle on the San Francisco Shockwaves, an LGBT football team, and weekend bouncer at the Lex.
28Gino Vannelli
He is:
Grammy Award winning singer of "I Just Wanna Stop," first Caucasian performer to appear on Soul Train.
Looks Like:
The owner of a pottery store in Vermont who spells "women" with a "y" and hasn't shaved her legs since 1969.
27Johnny Rotten (Lydon)
He is:
Lead singer of The Sex Pistols. The man who saved the world from Styx and Boston.
Looks Like:
An angry professor of LGBT poetry at the continuing education program at University of California Santa Cruz.
26Carrot Top
He is:
The bronze/orange standard in prop comedy.
Looks Like:
The girl who always leaves the bar alone.
25Chief Joseph
He is:
A chief.
Looks Like:
A chief.
24Jack Osbourne
He is:
The son of addled rock singer-slash-reality star-slash-TV pitchman.
Looks Like:
The girl whose family and friends had to pretend they were surprised when she came out over Christmas break freshmen year.
23Brett Dennen
He is:
A home-schooled nouveau hippy who Rolling Stone likes (which is about as cool as your dad showing up at your party sporting a soul patch).
Looks Like:
Your 5th grade teacher and confirmed bachelorette who says she never found the right man, but travels every summer with her "aunt" who is roughly the same age.
22Jason Hervey
He is:
Everybody's nightmarish big brother from The Wonder Years, and friends with the guy who was in Happy Days (not the one who became an Academy Award winning director, the guy who's on some depressing VH-1 show.)
Looks Like:
The camp counselor who could hit a ball further than any of the male counselors and beat the crap out of one of them for leaving the base path to avoid a tag at home.
21Brad Thompson
He is:
A major league baseball player.
Looks Like:
A major league female softball player.
20Chick Corea
He is:
A jazz musician/Scientologist (or maybe it's the other way around).
Looks Like:
An overly-earnest social worker who refers to all her cases as "my kids," and then goes home and has a good cry with her cats.
19Ned Block
He is:
A philosopher (note to you college kids: it's a recession proof industry).
Looks Like:
A middle-aged woman from Wisconsin who left her husband and family to run away with the woman in town who owns a dog grooming salon.
18Rolly Teranishi
He is:
Japanese musician and actor.
Looks Like:
A lesbian super-hero in an anime series.
17Scott Storch
He is:
A hip-hop producer who may or may not be bankrupt.
Looks Like:
A lesbian runaway in a bad indie film.
16Lang Lang
He is:
World famous Chinese pianist.
Looks Like:
The piano player at "Ain't Nobody's Bizness," a popular lesbian hang out in Phoenix.
15Mark Owen
He is:
One of the seemingly billion guys from the UK who had a hit in the 1980s with songs consisting of synthesizers and drum machines.
Looks Like:
The cool, geeky looking girl in high school who waited until to college to come out.
14John Daly
He is:
A drunk.
Looks Like:
A woman who would jump out of her Suburu in shorts in February to help you and your wussy friends put chains on your tires when you're stuck in a snowdrift.
13Alan Carr
He is:
A gay comic.
Looks Like:
T.A. at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design and photographer with more than 100 self-portraits on Facebook of her in different tank tops.
12BJ Thomas
He is:
Pop singer who had a huge hit in 1969 with Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid theme "Raindrops Keep Falling."
Looks Like:
A woman whose straight girlfriends ignore the obvious subtext when she names their volleyball team Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids.
11Jack White
He is:
A musician who is not above punching out another musician.
Looks Like:
A character on 1970s sitcom who producers could only hint was a lesbian.
10John Norris
He is:
A guy who may or may not still work at MTV.
Looks Like:
A female set carpenter who may or may not still work at MTV.
9The Two Coreys
They Are:
Child actors turned sad people.
Looks Like:
Technopop duo who already regret rushing into marriage.
8Steve Cojocaru
He is:
A kinda effeminate Canadian
Looks Like:
A lesbian caught between lipstick and butch.
7Chris Walla
He is:
A musician in "Death Cab for Cutie."
Looks Like:
A person who is unusually proud of the fact that she saw Sleater Kinney 45 times one year.
6Corbin Bleu
He is:
Current star of High School Musical 1, 2 and 3. Future star of High School Musical 21, 22 and 23.
Looks Like:
Front-line protester when California's Prop 8 failed--or passed--(whichever means gay people can't marry).
5Richard Blais
He is:
TV chef.
Looks Like:
Outdoor specialist at REI who owns one purse but half a dozen backpacks.
4Roberto Cavalli
He is:
A fashion designer.
Looks Like:
Someone who gets drunk every night and puts on Billie Holiday records, periodically screaming, "you tell `em girlfriend!"
3Tuck Andress
He is:
A jazz musician and the Tuck half in the duo Tuck and Patti.
Looks Like:
The owner of a transgender consignment store in New Hope, Pa.
2Russell Hitchcock
He is:
A singer in Air Supply (go on YouTube, put in their name, listen, try not to kill yourself).
Looks Like:
A psychic in western Massachusetts who only gives negative readings since her life partner left one night, leaving behind only a smelly, cat-pee stained hunting jacket that she can't bring herself to throw away.
1Doug Stone
He is:
Multi-chinned country singer.
Looks Like:
A waitress at Cracker Barrel who takes up two spaces with her Ford 150 and scares the shit of all the managers.
Check out last year's Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.
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