Lesbians
Things guys have right: Lesbians are great people. They are funny and interesting and deserve to be treated with respect. Things guys have wrong: You did not see two of them kiss at Mardi Gras that one time. Also ...
What is a Lesbian?
A lesbian is a female who is sexually attracted to other females. Lesbians were thought to originate on the Greek isle of Lesbos. Lesbians are like most females, except their ability to watch an entire episode of The View somehow co-exists with the ability to tell the difference between a phillips head and a standard screwdriver.
Types of Lesbians
There are three main category of lesbians. The categories vary based on degree of feminimity.
Butch - Butch lesbians are not faking it. In butch/femme relationships, butch lesbians play the "man" role.
Femme - The feminine counterpart to a butch.
Lipstick - Lipstick lesbians are the hardest to detect. They are usually just straight girls who fake being a lesbian because they think it helps the environment or something. Most women are lipstick lesbians. Batwoman is a lipstick lesbian.
Famous Lesbians
Ellen
The most important thing Elled Degeneres ever did was to become a lesbian. Realizing that she would never be a talented person, she became a lesbian in 1997. It was then that she understood that she was not an ugly actress, she was in fact a beautiful swan. By beautiful swan, we mean still just as ugly, but a lesbian, so it doesn't matter. She has since held a majority of the market share for on-air lesbians. She has a talk show now and is the new judge on American Idol.
Rosie O'Donnell
Rosie O'Donnell was first discovered by scientists in 1941. The Nazis attempted to open a portal to another world to summon demons to aid them in their war against Europe. Although the Nazis were unsuccessful, we know that Rosie O'Donnell did escape into our world. Scientists raised Rosie O'Donnel on a diet of beef jerky and chitterlings. Since Rosie O'Donnell was so unattractive, the scientists constantly reassured her that she was as pretty as a movie star. Rosie O'Donnell escaped about 20 years ago. Scientists were unable to locate her until she first appeared in the movies. There have been 6 attempts by the CIA to assassinate Rosie O'Donnell since 1998.
The Freedom of Information Act reveals a separate theory on the origin of Rosie O'Donnell. One day, a beautiful scientist was experimenting with a break through technology in teleportation chambers. Eager to try the technology out herself, she was unaware that a dog had brought a chewed up leather boot and taken a fat dump in the other teleportation chamber. When she activated the chamber, her DNA merged with the items left in the other chamber and a star was born.
Either way, no one is sure what Rosie O'Donnell's role is in the apocalypse.
Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan (see article here) decided to become a lesbian some time around 2007. She's not really sure if she is bisexual or full on lesbian. But that is mostly because she doesn't know what either word means. She dated Samantha Ronson for over a year. Sweet.
On the Fence
Michelle Rodriguez:
In July 2006, in an interview with UK's Cosmopolitan magazine, she said that she was not gay, but had "experimented with both sexes."
Angelina Jolie
Angelina is an out and proud bisexual.
Kristanna Loken
Better known for her role as the female terminator, Loken does not discriminate.
So the fact that I'm a cat person, have short hair, and can tell the difference between standard and Phillips screwdrivers automatically makes me a lesbian? Hm.
ReplyI only have one thing to say about this: I am afraid of spiders.
ReplySigh...
ReplyThis being a supposed satire aside...
And uh, I'm sure this'll be the first and last time...
Umm... F*ck you, Cracked.
Although, might I say though that reading this article was akin to finding a diamond in a pile of s**t - that diamond being Rosie O'Donnell. Brilliant.
I understand that this is dry humour, and as a Brit I appreciate the sarcastic tone, but even as a man I don't find it funny. It's not that it is more suitable for 'uncyclopedia' or that it is just insulting (both are true) but that it just reads like some 12-year-old Geocities site from twenty years ago.
ReplyCome on, Cracked, you're better than this. *Comatose*, you're better than this.
This page seems somewhat more... Caustic, than most.
ReplyI don't find it particularily funny, myself.
Honestly, some passages sound like they are written for (a very watered down, admittably) Encyclopedia Dramatica.
Funny thing is before I knew those women were lesbians or bisexual, I thought they were
ReplyThat's just not what all guys think
It should be:
Is she fat and has short hair? yes = possible lesbian
Does she have alot of guy friends but never dates any? = probable lesbian
Does she have a tongue piercing? = definite lesbian
Is she a good looking woman that likes to party and kiss girls to look "hot"? = lying to herself and everyone she wants to be a lesbian but is too scared to admit it because its just not cool to actualy be a lesbian but for some reason people think its cool to pretend to be
People make sense
Have you watched ANY pornography? Most if those people have tongue piercings. My siste has tongue piercings, my friends have them.
And no, you are not invincible to downvotes by adding 777 to your name.
So if you have cats you are a lesbian? OK but she can't be taller than me.
ReplyHa.. The whole thing about Rosie O'Donnell escaping into our world was from "Hellboy". It is how Hellboy came to our world.
ReplyNothing gets past you.
Oh I don't know, in a weird way Elled Degeneres is kind of good-looking.
Replydon't forget about the bieberettes. although i guess he stole their haircut really.
ReplyI can't watch an episode of The View or tell screwdrivers apart, am I an anti-lesbian?
ReplyI think that just means you're straight.
Just because it's satire doesn't mean we have to find it funny.
ReplyJust because you don't find it funny doesn't mean that other people don't.
I LOVE ELLEN!
ReplyCan't believe I gave this a page view. Not even slightly amusing.
ReplyI'm a dyke and I thought this was funny, but, while femme and lipstick are almost the same thing, but there's a vast lesbo universe between femme and butch. Generally the accepted categories (in order from least feminine to most) are stone butch, soft butch, chapstick lesbian, little boy dyke, femme and lipstick lesbian.
ReplyWell, not to be offensive, but I'm pretty sure the only people who care about the intricacies of lesbian personalities are other lesbians, who are neither the target audience of this site, nor the writer of the article.
And besides, it's not as funny if it seems like the guy actually cares.
...and I learned something today. Thanks, @PomoSapien!
I dunno. I'm a lesbian and I thought this was funny. The POINT is that it's ignorant and offensive. It's satire. You know. Comedy? Come the f**k off it, already.
ReplyI was going to write a comment above yours, but yours should stay at the top. Well put.
the femme pic dont look feminine enough to me. she just look....ordinary? and a bit tomboyish.
ReplyJesus, people are sensitive. I'm one of those guys who, while straight, has no bigger qualm than when people start s**t about equality, and even being so passionate about that I have to say: calm yourselves, it's not goddamn serious. I laughed my ass off because this was funny. Joking. HUMOROUS.
ReplyJeezus.
I found out that two nurses were lesbians when both my bisexual girlfriends seduced a nurse each at a party in the nurses' quarters at Salisbury Hospital. We all spent the night in my tent at a nearby travellers' site, but I wasn't allowed to touch the nurses. I had to lie in the middle and do each girlfriend in turn from behind while watching what they were doing to their nurse over their shoulder. The next day i couldn't walk due to double groin strain, and the entire rest of my life since then has been an anticlimax.
ReplyThat has absolutely nothing to do with the article, other than the fact that it contains the word "lesbian". Do you want a cookie? Or did you forget the internet law that any stories claiming ethos or those of sexual nature are always lies?
Of course you did. And I can fly by flapping my arms.
I thought it was funny cause I know guys that actually think that way, and was picturing them while reading
Reply