Bukkake of the Gods: Japan's Insane Creation Myths

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The Myth of Spunk Island and the Poop Gods

What country has the honor to say that part of their homeland is basically godly spunk? Well, Japan does. The story of Japan's creation is the god Izanagi pushed his "jewel encrusted spear" into "the primal ooze of our planet" and, when pulling out, "spilled a salty substance" that created the Japanese island of Onogoro. If you can't spot the innuendo there, don't worry, it only gets less subtle from here.

The story goes that when Izanagi finally decided to stop metaphorically "raping" the underage Earth below, he took his soon-to-be wife Izanami and descended on the huge island of dried ejaculate where they married and settled. After having sex on Spunk Island the woman gave birth to eight more Japanese islands.

Not too weird, right? Hang on:

Izanami continued to get pregnant and squeezed out more babies into the world. One of them was Homusubi (Kagututi), the incarnation of fire. A literal fireball. Learning first hand that fire is hot, Izanami suffered the worst burning sensation down there... and basically everywhere.

Izanami and Izanagi, in a rare moment of not having weird, unbelievably painful sex.

Being horribly burned from the inside she suffered agony for a couple of days, losing complete control of her bodily functions (what kind of gods are they?), vomiting, urinating and shitting uncontrollably. Her dying spasms of bodily functions gave birth to new gods, a pair for each substance that flew out of her body:

The Vomit Gods:

Kanayamahiko

Kanayamahime

The Urine Gods:

Mitsuha no me

Wakumusubi

The Feces Gods:

Haniyasuhiko

Haniyasuhime

Probably didn't look anything like this.

So the next time you find yourself on the floor of the bathroom after a night of tacos and tequila, feel free to add these to the list of deities you will be praying to.

4

The Rotting Bride

Japanese mythology says that after the untimely god-pooping death of his wife, Izanagi decided he was too old for the bar scene and did the only logical thing - go down to Yomi, the Underworld, to get his wife back. It's not necrophilia when the gods do it.

In pitch darkness he finally found his beloved but she refused to come back with him, explaining that she has already eaten the food of the Underworld (tacos and tequila no doubt) and must stay there. Still, being the clingy bastard that he was, Izanagi insisted, so Izanami agreed that she would try to work out a return as long as he wouldn't try to look at her in the mean time.

Just pretend all Japanese gods are white guys in suits.- Photoshop Department.

Per the usual when such a request is made, Izanagi completely ignored it. Once he became tired of waiting, he went to his dead wife and lit a torch in the darkness. There he saw his maggot-ridden decomposing corpse of a bride.

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Susanoo, the Snot God

The authors of these myths weren't done with the whole "god born from bodily fluids" thing, not by a long shot.

Thus the story goes, when Izanagi emerged from the Underworld, all that contact with death and his ex-wife trying to murder his ass made him feel a bit unclean. So while taking a dip in the old swimming hole, Izanagi washed his left eye, and gave birth to Amaterasu, the goddess of the Sun, the most important deity in Japanese mythology. Hey, it's better than the pooping thing.

While washing his right eye, Tsukiyomi, the god of the Moon came to be. And while blowing his nose, Izanagi created Susanoo, the god of wind and storms. We can only imagine how the writers must have been kicking themselves for not having the wind god farted into existence.

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Kachi Kachi Yama and the Magical Nutsack Beast

Let's move on from the shitting gods to the tanuki. You may have seen statues of these guys if you've ever been to Japan. They kind of look like raccoons carrying bottles of booze. Oh, and they have enormous nutsacks.

The character of the tanuki is a bit like your drunk grandpa: always borrowing money off of you, getting hammered and dragging his sagging scrotum through your freshly mopped kitchen floor.

The tanuki are also magical tricksters, and in many tales were said to turn horse excrements into delicious looking meals and serve it to travelers or transform into humans, get drunk, visit whore houses and buy stuff with leaves temporarily transformed into money, adding a bit of counterfeit charges to their long list of felonies.

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The Shittiest Place in Japan (Literally)

Emperor Sujin (circa 3rd/4th century) is widely regarded as the first emperor whose existence can be verified through actual historical evidence, though there is not really much to be said about the man. He founded some temples, boned a few princesses and fought a prince that rebelled against him... oh, and apparently his actions are responsible for the best named city in the entire world.