5 Celebrity Wikipedia Entries They Clearly Wrote Themselves
What's great, and terrible, about Wikipedia is that anyone can edit it. Anyone--including the person the Wikipedia entry is about.
This becomes obvious when looking at the pages of certain washed-up celebrities, and the results are equal parts hilarious and sad.
If you remember the 80s, you remember this guy:
He burst onto the scene as the smart-ass kid in The Goonies, and turned up in seemingly a dozen movies a year as a teenager, often alongside the less awesome Corey (Haim). Then, wouldn't you know it, one day he found himself a wee bit older and three busloads less cute.
It seemed like the glory days were over for our hero. And they most certainly were. But when perusing his Wikipedia article, we find a strangely detailed account of Corey's adventures in the last decade or so, and very little about the stuff he did as a child, when he was, you know, famous and crap.
It's almost as if the author desperately needs us to know that Feldman has indeed accomplished something with his adult life (hint: he hasn't).
Perhaps the best thing about Corey Feldman's Wikipedia article is that contained within its murky bowels is an almost supernaturally shameless plug for his latest (and most ambitious!) crappy album.
"In November of 2008 he released his most ambitious musical project to date, a new album with his band Truth Movement entitled Technology Analogy. This high concept album has been met with tremendous reviews, and features an all-star line up, including Jon Carin (Pink Floyd), Mark Karan (Rat Dog, Grateful Dead) Scotty Page (Pink Floyd), and artwork by the legendary artist Storm Thorgerson. To order his album check out his website at www.coreyfeldman.net"
You'd be stupid not to buy this album. It's had tremendous reviews.
Feldman was the voice of Donatello in the first and third Ninja Turtles movies. Why not the second movie, you ask? Well, presumably he was too busy writing rock operas on the moon, having a career and not being douchey at all.
Just then, John Lennon rose from the grave and ate their brains.
When you think musician, along with adjectives such as "tasteful," "subtle" and "talented," what comes to mind? Whatever it is, picture the absolute opposite. Paul Stanley's face should emerge.
Now, just in case the makeup didn't give it away, Paul Stanley was the lead singer of Kiss. And if you thought he was just some dude in spandex with a star on his face you'd be wrong, because according to Wikipedia:
"Stanley's persona is that of a Don Juan-esque lover, combining effeminate elements with elements of extreme masculinity, rather than mere androgyny. Although Stanley's voice is generally very soft and eloquent during normal conversation, he uses a specific "stage voice" which is like a "Rock N' Roll Preacher from Queens".
So, that star is totally more than just a star, man. It's a star that represents a glorious entity that is half woman, half man and complete sexiness. The article leads us to believe that Paul Stanley, wouldn't you know it, is surprisingly introspective, omni-talented and deeper than the Mariana Trench.
You are now thinking about sex.
And then we delve just a wee bit deeper, and get to this:
"Unlike most leading rock frontmen, he gets the crowd to join the band in many of their classic hits and also tends to give a speech or "scripted" story for certain songs (e.g. having sexual encounters with nurses and other women he's met on tour and how much he supports U.S. troops overseas)."
"Paul Stanley is often credited as being the most identifiable member of Kiss by people outside the fan community."
It's hard to choose a favorite between these two nonchalant gems. On the one hand, the first quote describes to us Stanley's superiority to other frontmen, mostly because of that charming way he likes to brag about having sex with nurses (not even Mick Jagger would do that). On the other hand, the latter quote casually lets us know what we've all long suspected: Paul Stanley truly is the most identifiable member of Kiss. But that little tidbit has since been edited out (probably by Vinnie Vincent).
And could you stop watching while we shower?
Did you know that Paul Stanley is an avid painter? No? Well, he certainly is, and the result is about what you'd expect:
Happy birthday, Mom. Hope you like it.
What will it cost to hang a scorcher like this up on your bedroom wall? Well, an original piece goes for around $70,000. Now, that may sound a little pricey, but when you consider all the memories you and your painting will be having together, it's a bargain and a half. Maybe you could take it canoeing.
A quick warning: Should you ever consider typing the words "William" and "Shatner" into Wikipedia, the resulting article is gargantuan, and you may not be able to find your way back to the surface. This man has seen it all, and done it all, so many times that he has long ago lost count.
After all, he's Captain Kirk. But that's old news. Skip down past all that geeky Star Trek stuff and sooner or later you'll be getting to the real goods:
"Shatner has been married four times: to Gloria Rand from 1956 to 1969. His second marriage--his longest marriage thus far--lasted 21 years and was to Marcy Lafferty Shatner from 1973 to 1994. The couple divorced in 1994. His third marriage was to Nerine Kidd-Shatner from 1997 to 1999. That marriage ended when his wife drowned. His current wife is Elizabeth Martin whom he married in 2001."
Note how casually the author has tucked in the fact that the second marriage was his longest "thus far," thereby giving the reader the impression that there is some sort of contest going on as to who can stay married the longest to "The Shat." Another 15 years with Elizabeth and we'll have ourselves a new record.
But it wasn't all fun and marriage contests for Bill Shatner. No, sir. After the original Star Trek series went gunnysack, he found himself wallowing in a little bit of a career debacle. Times were hard for our hero, and:
"Perhaps the nadir was his role in Big Bad Mama, prized by Shatnerites for his nude scene with Angie Dickinson."
The only thing more unsettling than the notion of William Shatner shooting a nude scene is the idea of some deranged individual actually prizing it. Also slightly disconcerting is Wikipedia's casual tossing around of words like "Shatnerites." It may well be that a narcissistic Shatner did not, in fact, write this piece, but for the sake of mankind let's hope that he did.
Shatner's article is such a swollen plethora of educational nuggets that it is actually rather difficult to choose. Here's one:
"Entrepreneur Richard Branson, head of the space tourism company Virgin Galactic, offered William Shatner a free ride into space on the inaugural space launch of the VSS Enterprise scheduled for 2008, saving Shatner $200,000; however, Shatner turned it down, and said, "I do want to go up but I need guarantees I'll definitely come back."
So, he could have gone into space, but he chose not to. Although he was more diplomatic about it, we all know the real reason.
You're trapped in a capsule with this guy.
Here's one more free Fast Fact!, for the kids:
"... in 2004, Shatner was a guest photographer for Playboy Magazine, shooting former playmate Deanna Brooks."
We're assuming Shatner was also naked at the time. Good luck getting that image out of your brain!
There are many winding paths a man can follow to greatness. He could build an orphanage, or perhaps write a symphony. But there is only one man in the history of history to have achieved greatness by screaming "yipee-ki-aye-ay motherfucker" and pushing Professor Snape out of a window. That man was this man:
Bruce Willis. Now, as we ease ourselves into yet another unnecessarily detailed Wikipedia article, we find that perhaps this one is not so wonky after all. It's just "Early Life" this, and "Career" that, and it seems, all in all, to be quite unremarkable. That is, at least until we stumble into "Personal Life," and find this little baby:
"In early 2006, Willis, who usually lives in Los Angeles, moved into an apartment located in the Trump Tower in New York City. In 2007 he purchased a condominium at 220 Riverside Boulevard at Trump Place."
Yes, the man's current residence is on Wikipedia, and if that wasn't written be a lonely Bruce Willis, it may be time for him to change the locks. If it was a lonely Bruce, than let's hope it found him some company. Perhaps it does add a nice personal touch, but what's next? Phone numbers? PIN numbers? Will the madness ever stop?
The answer is no. The madness will never stop, because:
"In Tokyo, Japan, Willis was named honorary chief of the cyberterrorism task force by the National Public Safety Commission on June 12, 2007. Kensei Mizote, the head of the commission, told Willis to "lead the world to create a safer society."
This leaves us all a little confused, and more than a little queasy. It seems hard to imagine that the above could be anything other than the rambling writings of Willis himself, after a particularly convincing Die Hard-induced dream. However, if the "cyberterrorism task force" is an actual thing, and Bruce Willis is in charge, we can only assume that his job is to keep an eye on the Internet and beat the living shit out of it, should it get a little ornery. Maybe even throw it out a window.
Yes, just like everyone else on this excruciating list, Bruce Willis has been busy churning out the albums. It all started in the year of 1987, with The Return of Bruno (which included the hit single "Respect Yourself").
Then, there was If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger in 89, and, of course, a greatest hits collection in 2001.
Believe it or not, it's an actual thing.
Really, what is there to say about the Hulkster? A freaking lot, judging by the astounding length of his Wikipedia entry.
Should you, out of curiosity or some other strange compulsion, copy and paste this monstrosity into Microsoft Word, you'll be rewarded with 30 pages of spectacular information that will, under no circumstances, serve you any use whatsoever. Here's a heaping spoonful of knowledge:
" Hogan was portrayed as a real-life superhero while reaching out to young fans. The consummate role model, he was named the most requested celebrity of the 1980s for the Make-a-Wish Foundation children's charity. As a result, Hogan transformed the business into a sports entertainment spectacle that appealed to prime-time audiences of all ages and backgrounds."
Pictured: a real-life superhero.
So, the lesson here is that if you thought Hulk Hogan was just some wrestler, you were stupid. You were really, really stupid, because Hogan is the consummate role model, and he probably healed every one of those dying kids with his bare hands. Yes, we could all take a page from Hulk's book. But not even a superhero of Hogan's might can last forever, as he was eventually defeated (albeit with a little help from a fireball):
"The hard-fought bout came to its close when a "Japanese photographer" (actually a disguised Harvey Wippleman) got on the apron and distracted Hogan, before shooting some sort of fireball out of the camera and into Hogan's face. This was followed by Yokozuna hitting a leg drop on Hogan for the pin. After his victory, Yokozuna proceeded to give Hogan a Banzai Drop amidst the crying children and cursing adults."
We can still taste the tears.
Everyone remembers what they were doing the day Hulk Hogan was tragically defeated before his time, and the author of this piece does a commendable job of setting the scene of that fateful day and hard-fought bout. The crying children. The cursing adults. We may never know the answer as to how exactly Hogan's mustache survived that treacherous fireball-to-the-face, but some knowledge is better left unclaimed.
"Hogan frequently referred to his fans as "Hulkamaniacs" in his interviews and introduced his three "demandments": training, saying prayers, and eating vitamins. Eventually, a fourth demandment (believing in oneself) was added following his feud with Earthquake in the 1990s."
Pictured: Hulk Hogan, believing in himself.
So, we now see that to become a Hulkamaniac is actually a considerable amount of work. But, in the end, following the four demandments always pays off, and who knows? It might just save your life.
"Well, it seems that you have few skills and no experience... but, since you're a Hulkamaniac, welcome aboard!
For more celebrity disgrace, check out The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See. Or check out the batshit actions of your favorite musicians in The 6 Most (Certifiably) Insane Tales of Rock Star Behavior.