5

The Little Mermaid: A Little Deal with the Devil Never Hurt Nobody

A little mermaid named Ariel, who is presumably little in title only since she has one impressively big rack, dreams of living her life on shore and finding her true love. Well, a clearly evil sea-witch named Ursula offers to give the naive mermaid legs in exchange for something she probably might need in the future: her voice.

When Ariel makes it to shore, she realizes the Sea-Bitch screwed her, as her legs work with the grace of a drunken paraplegic and she can't speak. So now she must somehow make Prince Eric fall in love with her while appearing to be either mute or retarded.

By some miracle, the prince takes the bait (again, note the rack) but then Ursula, who in the cartoon seems to be portrayed as a black drag queen, goes after the couple. The prince is forced to kill Ursula by stabbing her with a ship. As a result, Ariel gets both her legs and her voice.

The Supposed Message:

True love conquers all!

The Actual Message:

A little compromise with evil is okay, as long as everything works out okay in the end!

Ariel loved to sing, and she sang pretty damn well. But she wanted to live on shore and find love so bad that she made a "deal" with a "devil" and "sells" her beautiful voice, or "soul" so to speak.

And guess what? It worked. Sure, the writers threw in some complications in the form of Prince Eric having to send Ursula straight to Disney Hell, but the fact of the matter remains that Ariel would never have gotten to meet Prince Eric at all had she not compromised with the evil queen in the first place. She made a figurative deal with the devil, got everything she wanted and came out completely unscathed.

4

Beauty and the Beast: Just Because He's Abusive, Doesn't Mean He's Not a Really Good Guy

After a spoiled prince pretty much tells an old beggar woman to fuck off, he is transformed into a beast, as it turns out the beggar is an enchantress. And she makes it very clear that until he learns to love and thus is loved in return, there will be no ladies in his life and it's just going to be him and his hand for a very long time.

As luck would have it, there happens to be a woman out there named Belle with a heart big enough to share with unfortunate-looking people such as the Beast, and she's not too bad to look at either. When her father is kidnapped by the Beast, Belle offers herself in exchange for his freedom.

Against all odds, they fall in love. The townspeople snap and try and kill the Beast, but because Belle admits she loves him, the Beast turns back into a man and the two live happily ever after.

The Supposed Message:

Treat others the way you wish to be treated!

The Actual Message:

Underneath the abusive exterior of your man is a loving heart he's just dying to share with you.

First of all, Belle was a prisoner in the Beast's fucking castle. Nothing says "I love you" like house arrest. Secondly, he wasn't exactly whispering sweet nothings in her ear. The Beast hurled insults at Belle at every chance, and came close to pimp slapping the shit out of her on more than one occasion.

But she ignored all that unimportant trivia, because the Beast had a loving heart! Sure he gets angry sometimes, but that's just how he is. And, in the end, he turned back into a sexy, romantic prince. It's all good now.

Her patience paid off, girls, and it will for you, too! If you just stick with it and don't judge your man too harshly. Or call the cops.

3

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Ugly Dude Never Gets the Girl

Quasimodo is born with a hunched back and a face that only a mother could love. Too bad his mother gets killed by an asshole named Frollo.

Quasimodo moves into the bell tower of a cathedral and becomes the hunchback of Notre Dame. He then winds up in a love triangle with the lovely gypsy Esmeralda and the aforementioned Frollo.

When spurned by the girl, Frollo tries to burn Esmeralda at the stake. Quasimodo rescues her and, after that, the twisted, malformed freak is able to freely go out in public without people pointing and shaking their fists at the sky in reaction to God's twisted design. Quasimodo and Esmeralda get married and... oh, wait, no. She winds up with some other dude.

2

Sleeping Beauty: If a Guy Saves Your Ass, it Belongs to Him

There's always that one person who wasn't invited to the party for very good reasons, but feels they are entitled to show up anyway. The party crasher in this Disney movie happens to be a very powerful, very evil fairy named Maleficent who curses the birthday girl, Princess Aurora, to prick her finger on a spindle of all things and, well, die.

Suddenly, the music stops with a needle scratch and there's an awkward silence as the evil bitch makes her exit. However, a fellow party-going fairy counteracts the curse by blessing the princess, saying that the princess will instead merely fall asleep until a prince--and she means any prince--comes along and pretty much date rapes her.

"Man, if any of you were princes, I'd totally be giving it away for free, straight up. You don't even know."

Sure enough, Aurora falls asleep. But then Prince Philip (who has been stalking the princess) kills Maleficent, then kisses the princess and probably enjoys a grope fest, which will remain the prince's little secret and Aurora's repressed memory as they live happily ever after.

The Supposed Message:

True love will conquer all!

The Actual Message:

That guy who comes along and saves you from a crisis? Marry him! He's the one!

"Let's just skip to the vows, I'm in a hurry."

When a rational woman wakes up to find a man practically on top of her, their first instinct would be to reach for the mace. Not our princess; she basically didn't know his ass from Adam, but she went ahead and married the guy. One kiss at the right time, and she knew she had found Mr. Right.

You may notice that this winds up as the exact polar opposite of the Hunchback of Notre Dame lesson, taken so far in the other direction that it winds up being even more wrong. Never mind that "compatibility" stuff and the all the time it takes for most folks to find out if they have it. If you're in a tough spot and a handsome guy saves the day, you instantly belong to him. Forever and ever!

Though we guess it only works if you're not a hunchback.

1

The Fox and the Hound: Sometimes People Are Different, and That's Awful

After his mother gets capped and is presumably turned into a tasteful wall ornament, a little fox named Tod is taken in by an old woman to be raised on a farm. Tod eventually meets a hunting dog named Copper and the two hit it off.

Tod thinks the two will be friends forever, but over the winter Copper leaves on a hunting trip, and when he returns he's a full fledged fox-killing machine. When Tod goes to see Copper, he is attacked by Chief, Copper's mentor. Chief gets injured, and Copper makes it his mission in life to see former friend Tod meat packaged.

Eliminate on sight.

Copper and his owner eventually find Tod and try to take him down. When a bear jumps into the fight, Tod saves Copper and his owner. So they decide to call a truce, and the two go their separate ways.

The Supposed Message:

Even though we're different, we can still get along.

The Actual Message:

And by "get along" we mean "don't kill each other." We certainly do not mean "live together." Don't be silly, you belong to different races!

Our fox and hound find their long friendship thoroughly obliterated and end up trying to kill each other. Only after the member of the pursued and persecuted race does a favor for his oppressor (when the hunted saves the hunter's life) does the hound grant the fox permission to continue living.

But not as equals; the hound returns to his home with the humans and the fox returns to the wild.

That is how we will heal our racial and socioeconomic differences: by separating ourselves. If only we could institute some kind of "segregation" where all of us could be with our own kind, none of this unpleasantness would happen.

Thanks for showing us the way, Mr. Disney!

For more horrifying messages Uncle Walt passed along check out The 9 Most Racist Disney Characters and The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths.