Here's a dilemma most of you toil with daily: You want to stick random shit to your skin, but hate all of that glue and tape residue. And what can be worse than coming home at night and trying to rip all of the ornaments off your chest without yanking out all of the hair under them?
Luckily, industrious and semi-artsy body modification enthusiasts have invented a solution. Take the above technique of ramming foreign objects under the skin, and put a magnet there instead! Now you can pick up any random piece of decorative crap--as long as it's metal--and have it attach to you with ease.
An added and slightly creepy bonus to the use of magnetic implants is the ability to sense magnetic fields. Those who have had the implants inserted have demonstrated an uncanny knack for locating power transformers and following magnetic currents in cookware. Basically this means if you have a lot of very strong magnetic implants you can become the most useless superhero ever.
If you ever took the time to read up on witch trials from back in the day, you may have read that a lot of witches were accused of fornicating with Satan himself in exchange for their dark and mysterious powers. And while that may sound awesome to the modern crop of Goth kids, you have to assume the devil sucks at foreplay and doesn't fix breakfast for you when he's done. And if you really thought hard about it, you may stop to wonder just what the devil's wang looks like. Probably evil. Probably like someone who's had genital beading done.
If you want your own devil penis, you have to be willing to let someone use a large gauge needle or a scalpel to poke holes in the shaft of your dong. Of course the ladies can do it too, only along the labia instead.
Small balls of titanium, silicone or some such are then inserted into the incision and the incision is closed up. Each bead requires two cuts for the needle to get in and back out again, and a rod is used to jam the bead in place. And, to reiterate, it's being jammed somewhere under the skin of your junk.
Like this, only as a penis.
The end result of this process is, of course, pure abject horror in the form of what could easily be mistaken for the penis of a living abacus.
For scientific explanations of why people do shit like this, check out 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. Or for examples of weird shit people do to prevent unplanned body modification in the pelvic region, check out History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives. Or, visit the Cracked.com Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.