If you grew up with the original Star Wars trilogy, you probalby went through a 15-year roller coaster that was something like this:

You wished desperately they would make more movies;

You groaned when you heard they were making prequels instead;

You bought a ticket out of cautious optimism;

You realized you were right the first time.

If only they'd made sequels instead, dammit! But here's the thing: they did. The story was continued in novels and comics and video games. Oh, and they were so terrible they actually do more damage to the source material than Jar Jar Binks could have ever hoped to.

We mean it. These are the stories that are guilty of...

Undoing the Ending of Return of the Jedi

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

As Seen In: The Thrawn Trilogy, X-Wing Series, Jedi Academy Trilogy and many more novels, comics and video games.

Everything had wrapped up nicely at the end of Return of the Jedi. We see the Imperial menace defeated over the forest moon of Endor by the likes of Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca the Wookiee and Lando "The Last Black Man in the Galaxy" Calrissian.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

He's a collector's item.

The Emperor's plan to recruit Luke to the dark side failed, and Darth Vader redeemed himself by dunking the raisin-faced bastard into the reactor core of the Death Star like Lebron James. Vader, electrocuted and hairless--and decidedly not James Earl Jones--died and the Death Star exploded, effectively wiping out the Sith, releasing their chokehold on the Galaxy and infuriating whoever was the lienholder on the destroyed battle station.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

"Bank of America is going to be pissed."

Simultaneous celebrations were held on countless planets because evidently news travels fast through the infinite expanse of fucking space. Our heroes dance with some teddy bears and the credits roll.

Not So Fast...

In the unofficial "sequel" stories, this happens:

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

That is, the Empire keeps rolling right along, imposing space-tyranny on all who stand in their way.

And the thing is, it's hard to argue with the idea.

Neither the Emperor nor the Death Star had ever been a threat to the Rebellion, so, you know, fuck those first three movies. The Imperials had been able to control the Galaxy without a Death Star for a couple of decades, relying instead on fleet warfare and ground support for good old fashioned genocide. As for the Emperor, does killing the leader of a tyrannical government with a powerful and loyal army immediately end the entire conflict?

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels


According to the majority of the books and comics set after the original trilogy, with the Emperor gone, there were hundreds of Admirals, Generals and Politicians who vied for control of the Galaxy. Without a universally accepted leader, the Empire spiraled into a civil war.

The Rebellion is still, well, a Rebellion, which means it still has to gain victory over the remaining Imperials to win, who are in turn fighting amongst themselves. And so, the Skywalker family, which you may remember as being the entire point of the Star Wars saga, fades into the background as we watch the Rebels continue to fight two different Empires for 20 more years. During that time it's fair to assume billions more people died and trillions more words of poorly written dialog were spoken.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

"George, I don't even know what this means..."
"You say what's on the page or I'm leaving you in the fucking desert."

Cloning the Emperor


As Seen In: The Dark Empire, Dark Empire II and Empire's End comic series.

Oh, hey, speaking of the dead Emperor, he is dead, right? After all, Darth Vader basically sacrificed himself to kill the man and wipe out this dark threat to The Force for all time.

Yes, that sure was a meaningful sacrifice Anakin made to redeem himself and save countless lives.

Not So Fast...

That is, until in the "sequel" stories Emperor Palpatine is brought back from the dead in a clone body that inexplicably looks like Buck Compton from Band of Brothers.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

Or if Billy Zane and Val Kilmer collided at 200 mph.

Once more, you can see why they did it. You need a villain. And if George Lucas had written the sequel stories, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have done the same, after he contorted every prequel storyline to shoehorn in as many OT characters as he could.

In this storyline, Palpatine, secure in his new corporeal digs, proceeds to use a variety of nifty tactics that nearly annihilate the Rebels. The reasons why he waited until after his death to employ these tactics are beyond even the wisest of us.

To make things worse, Luke Skywalker, forgetting absolutely everything about his dad's story arc, thought the best way to deal with this threat was by becoming Palpatine's new apprentice. Although he tries to sabotage the Empire's efforts from the inside, he eventually succumbs to the Dark Side, presumably because the temptation of paid vacation and a dental plan proved to be too great.


He also does convention appearances

After Luke essentially becomes the Sega Genesis to Vader's Master System, Leia comes to her brother's rescue and eventually redeems him (you may remember this as the exact same plot of the original trilogy). Unfortunately it's already too late for most of the galaxy, as the Empire has already managed to decimate entire worlds without a Death Star and is within sight of total victory (evidently "total victory" means "killing every last motherfucker in space").

Palps is eventually killed by Empatojayos Brand, an ancient Jedi better known as Master Desperate Plot Device, thus ending the crisis and allowing the Dark Empire series to stop wasting our goddamn time.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

"You mean we just retell the exact same story and sell it as a sequel? Brilliant! Pass the cocaine!"

Adding A Bunch of New Jedi

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

As Seen In: Dark Empire, Dark Empire II, Empire's End, The Force Unleashed and pretty much every other piece of media.

Pretty much the entire point of the original trilogy was that Luke Skywalker, son of Darth Vader, is the last hope for the Jedi Order and the Galaxy. You know, the other Jedi having been ruthlessly hunted down and destroyed by the Empire and all.

The only exceptions are Obi Wan, whose force powers seem to have degenerated into keeping an immaculately trimmed beard in the middle of the desert, and Yoda, who seems to have gone so batshit insane that all he can do is talk like Super Grover in cryptic nonsensical jibber-jabber and lift shit out of bogs with his mind.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

Seriously, we're amazed he didn't start playing the fucking spoons or something.

With only these three superpowered individuals left, the future of the Galaxy seems bleak.

Not So Fast...

One thing the good guys have to do to deal with the post-Death Star Empire is enlist the help of Jedi. Lots of them. In "sequel" comics like Dark Forces, much of the plot involves enlisting the help of these guys that are just hanging around in remote parts of the galaxy.

As it turns out, contrary to popular belief (a term which here means "what the films specifically told us in no uncertain terms"), the Jedi were not entirely wiped out but merely went into hiding. Again, we understand it's not Star Wars without Jedi and you can't wait for an army to be rebuilt from Luke and Leia's inbred children. The writers only had so many options.

But are we really to believe that these characters just sat on their fat asses, doing nothing to help while their Jedi brethren were getting thrown in the dumpster? That seems just a little out of character for the Galaxy's "Protectors of Freedom."

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

"Hey, we're on break."

Superweapons That Make the Death Star Look Like a Pile of Shit

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

As Seen In: Jedi Academy Trilogy and, once again, Dark Empire

All right, so maybe you think we were taking it too far when we said destroying the Death Star(s) didn't really change anything. After all, clearly these weapons were taking the Empire's power to a new level. The Death Stars were to be a planet-destroying game-changer, forever cementing their hold on the galaxy.

So if nothing else, taking them out dealt a serious blow to their plans.

Not So Fast...

You know how in a sequel, you have to keep making everything bigger and better? Even when it doesn't make sense, a.k.a. the "Why Didn't They Just Send The Liquid Metal Terminator The First Time" principle?

Well, in the course of the Extended Universe stories, dozens of other, more powerful superweapons are introduced, some so over-the-top that, in retrospect, taking out the Death Star should've been right below "Remember to take Mittens to the vet" on the Rebel's To-Do List.

And some of them get ridiculous. Evidently the Empire set aside a little too much funding for the Board of Unnecessary Destruction.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

"This one will blow the planet up twice."

The Galaxy Gun is a great example.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

Although its name lacks the same pantshit-inspiring sound as the Death Star, we are told it is a lot more powerful. It was first used during the reborn Emperor's campaign against the Rebels (see Cloning the Emperor, above), and during its operational history it destroyed more worlds than the Death Star. Making that count at least... two.

There is also the Sun Crusher, which we have to admit is the most badass name ever given to any weapon, ever.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

Sadly, this is what it looks like.

To sum it up, it basically does what its name suggests, firing a bunch of missiles into a star and causing it to collapse and go supernova, destroying the entire surrounding system by way of make-believe science.

Unfortunately, we already saw the planet-busting ultra gun in two out of the three original movies, so you can probably guess how the storylines involving both of these turned out (if you said "the Rebels enact a daring offensive that destroys the weapon," you are correct).

But once more, what was the alternative? Death Stars three and four? Actually, if George Lucas had written it...

Making a New Sith Empire

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

As Seen In: The Star Wars Legacy Comics

Of course, even though the Emperor comes back and the Empire rises again, the rebels do eventually prevail. Sure, it took a couple of decades after the events of the OT, but we at least know that one day a gray-haired Han Solo and crew got to see their dream of an evilless galaxy come true.

Not So Fast...

According to the Star Wars Legacy comics, 100 years after the original trilogy, the galaxy has supposedly seen several major wars and enough political maneuvering to turn the franchise into a Tom Clancy novel. During that century, the Rebellion formed into the New Republic and then into the Galactic Alliance, eventually making peace with the Empire and allying with them on several occasions.

Luke Skywalker, again demonstrating his complete and total dementia, forgets every single detail about his father's life and builds a new Jedi Order that encourages emotional ties and marriages. Han Solo and Princess Leia have three kids, one of whom turns into a Sith, and Luke has a son with some redhead.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

We will assume it is this redhead.

All of a sudden the Sith reappear. Again.

And, again, the Empire declares war on the Galactic Alliance, easily crushing their allied nuts and installing their Sith leader as Emperor of the Galaxy. Again.

They go on to lead a surprise attack against the Jedi, killing most of them and forcing the rest into hiding.


Meanwhile the scattered remnants of the Alliance begin a guerilla war against their much more powerful adversary while Luke's son, a young Jedi named Skywalker, must use his powerful Force abilities to try and destroy the evil Sith Emperor.

5 Awful Storylines We Don't Want in the Star Wars Sequels

Evidently the new Emperor is Shao Kahn.

Our more clever readers may have noticed a small curiosity regarding this storyline: It is, word for word, the exact fucking plot of the entire Star Wars saga. Not just a recycled plot device like a new superweapon (see above), but the whole goddamn plot.

Man, we hate to say it. But we think we owe George Lucas an apology. Considering the alternatives, making prequels looks like a pretty freaking good idea.

Or, better yet, just leaving the trilogy alone.

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For more Extended Universe shaming, check out 6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film. Or check out some laughable races from Star Trek because, well, we like to cover our nerdy bases here at Cracked: Star Trek's 6 Most Ridiculous Alien Races.

And stop by our Top Picks to see Seanbaby kicking our George Lucas cutout right in the cardboard balls.

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