4

The hospital you just woke up in is completely empty.

As seen in:

28 Days Later, the comic series The Walking Dead, Resident Evil

Why it's a sign:

If you find yourself falling into either of the above groups, you should probably avoid spending time unconscious in a hospital bed. In a zombie apocalypse, nothing's more embarrassing than walking around asking stuff like, "What the fuck happened to the world?" The people who've had to deal with this shit for weeks will just roll their eyes, and generally act like you're the stupidest son of a bitch in town not mumbling the word "Braaaaains."

That's because the deeper people get into a zombie crisis, the more everyone starts acting like total assholes. So skipping two weeks of consciousness doesn't make for the smoothest of transitions. Your new friends got to ease their way into the apocalypse, whereas you just rolled out of a warm bed, directly into a frigid pool of cannibalism and back-sass.

NOTE: This of course assumes that you survive the two weeks in your hospital bed serving as a man shaped hot plate for your brains. For whatever reason, this is generally a safe assumption.

3

You are doing something unorthodox in a graveyard.

As seen in:

Return of the Living Dead, Dead Alive

Why it's a sign:

Most people like to do their dancing and fighting in night clubs, and save the graveyard for more appropriate activities like being dead. But you don't play by those rules, and well, neither do zombies.

Listen, you just never know when, as you're taking a run-of-the-mill naked dance break in the middle of a graveyard, radioactive toxins will rain down and cause the people in the graves to rise up and begin shouting "Braaaains!"

2

You never use the word "zombie."

As not heard in:

Every single zombie movie ever, and mentioned in Shaun of the Dead.

Why it's a sign:

Let me set up a scenario for you. You're coming home from work one evening. You pull into your driveway and pop out of your car to see your now-dead friends walking up the street, with the intention to eat you. What do you call them? If you said "them" or "things," then, well, that isn't a far-fetched scenario so much as it's a glimpse of your future. Make no mistake: With the exception of the aforementioned metatextual zombie movie, nobody in a zombie movie has ever seen one. If this page is in your browser history, it's probably time to be scared.

1

Your girlfriend, pet, brother or parents are zombies.

As seen in:

Return of the Living Dead 3, Day of the Dead. 28 Days Later. Night of the Living Dead

Why it's a sign:

You know, I really shouldn't need to explain this one.

Keep in mind that Matt is only being paid for this piece in clicks to the-iss.com. That said, he'll probably just spend all those clicks at the dog track.