6

Your first instinct during a crisis is to go to your mall.

As seen in:

Dawn of the Dead (original and remake), Dead Rising

Why it's a sign:

Imagine a horde of zombies swarming down the main street of your town. Where do you go? If the nearest military base comes to mind, you're probably OK. If you're having trouble deciding between J. Crew and Sbarro ... well, the good news is, you're going to find the rest of this article extremely informative.

That's because there are two types of people in this world: those who think of malls as grossly unsafe places to seek shelter during a zombie apocalypse, where the undead masses could hide out in clothes racks and toy bins and where glass doors serve as a flimsy barrier between them and the undead hordes outside. And then there are people like you, who were put on this earth to get attacked by zombies while helping deliver a subtle anti-consumerist commentary.

5

You've just said or done something that would make it ironic if zombies attacked.

4

The hospital you just woke up in is completely empty.

As seen in:

28 Days Later, the comic series The Walking Dead, Resident Evil

Why it's a sign:

If you find yourself falling into either of the above groups, you should probably avoid spending time unconscious in a hospital bed. In a zombie apocalypse, nothing's more embarrassing than walking around asking stuff like, "What the f**k happened to the world?" The people who've had to deal with this s**t for weeks will just roll their eyes, and generally act like you're the stupidest son of a b***h in town not mumbling the word "Braaaaains."

3

You are doing something unorthodox in a graveyard.

As seen in:

Return of the Living Dead, Dead Alive

Why it's a sign:

Most people like to do their dancing and fighting in night clubs, and save the graveyard for more appropriate activities like being dead. But you don't play by those rules, and well, neither do zombies.

Listen, you just never know when, as you're taking a run-of-the-mill naked dance break in the middle of a graveyard, radioactive toxins will rain down and cause the people in the graves to rise up and begin shouting "Braaaains!"

2

You never use the word "zombie."

1

Your girlfriend, pet, brother or parents are zombies.

As seen in:

Return of the Living Dead 3, Day of the Dead. 28 Days Later. Night of the Living Dead

Why it's a sign:

You know, I really shouldn't need to explain this one.

Keep in mind that Matt is only being paid for this piece in clicks to the-iss.com. That said, he'll probably just spend all those clicks at the dog track.