Current Threats:
There was a whole mess of songs devoted to Hurricane Katrina but you'll notice all of the stars went it alone, rather than go the supergroup route. Apparently today's pop stars hate each other so much that not even Bob Geldof could shoehorn them all into a studio to record one track.
Poor, lonely Bob.
That, or none wanted to share the feel-good spotlight with 50 other stars. They all needed their moment, man.
No, the closest we got was Come Together Now, a "supergroup" formed by the likes of quickly forgotten American Idol Ruben Studdard and Celine Dion. Even though it was dedicated to both the 2004 Tsunami disaster and Hurricane Katrina, it never got higher than #13 on the charts.
Still, with events like Live Earth and no shortage of horrors in the world, it's just a matter of time until the track, "You Know, In Some Parts of the World Ten Year Olds Are Sold as Sex Slaves, For Old Western Men to Sodomize Them, And Babies Get Shot in The Eye Like it's No Big Thing. It's So Messed Up, Man" will hit the charts, featuring the vocal stylings of Will Smith, R Kelly, Lionel Richie and a cast of dozens of other celebrities eager to promote new films and albums.
It was a simpler time, friends. No1 askd if u wantd 2 4get ur trbls n b happy. Words were words, numbers were numbers, and they didn't mix. Except on license plates.
Then came Prince, who managed to call a song Nothing Compares 2 U, back in 1985--long before he had text messaging as an excuse.
Perhaps thanks to him, some record company execs thought the very definition of "hip", "urban" and "now" was to throw a number in the group's name. Thus we got All 4 One, Boys II Men, etc. Just look at the number hiding in there, parading around like a low-rent transsexual, drunk on a Wednesday night with a new weave to ensure s/he totally passes for a girl.
Yes, we think numbers are shemale whores and we'll have words with any man who disagrees.
Examples:
UB40, 112, 3T, All 4 One, Boys II Men, MN8
Current Threats:
Sure you've got acts like Maroon 5, Zero 7, Day 26, Matchbox 20 these days. But there the numbers serve as numbers, instead of hip replacements for real words.
But we still think these guys are a bunch of tools.
No, the real danger will be in a few years when the Texting generation grows up (that is, the kids who learned to text before they learned to read). This is when we'll see the 1337 pop groups. Perhaps a girl group called Cr4zii B4b3z? Or a Christian Rock act called J3sus' So1d|3rs? Or a DJ act named 411 Ur B34tz R B310ng 2 Us?
Here they come, guys. Trust us. Here they fucking come.
Lisa Skye
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