The 6 Most Adorable Animals (To Ever Go On a Bloody Rampage)
Sometimes, cute, fuzzy animals just get tired of our shit. Forced to crap in boxes, subsist on food that is basically liver-scented sawdust, it's no surprise that even the friendliest of creatures has been known to cause the occasional apocalyptic cascade of destruction.
Carl Hulsey wanted a watchdog. But why on earth would you get a watchdog when a watchgoat will serve the same purpose, right?
Uh, no. It turns out that is a very bad idea. Specifically the part where Carl tried beating the goat with a stick every day to make him more aggressive.
Again, he should have seen this coming. He was trying to make the goat aggressive, but who's he going to get aggressive towards, Carl? You. The asshole with the stick.
On May 16, 1991, Carl Hulsey stepped outside with his beatin' stick for the last time. "Snowball," as the goat was known, rushed his tormentor, ramming him in the stomach, twice knocking him down.
Carl fled, but Snowball wasn't going to take any of that shit. The goat chased his former master up the porch stairs, and, with one swift butt, knocked him over the rail towards the ground five feet below. In the end, Carl died of a ruptured stomach.
"What? You t'ink I'm funny? How am I funny?"
When the news broke that the goat was going to be put down, the arbiters of his fate were flooded with letters, pleas for amnesty, and even threats of death if Snowball didn't walk. Some people even offered to adopt the deranged beast.
Snowball had become something of a folk hero to animal-rights activists, a symbol for resistance of oppression everywhere. One piece of advice for his supporters: at his coming home party, don't bring a pinata.
The Cairo Chicken Massacre
Thanks to one chicken, the village of Nazlat Imara became the scene of a bizarre cross between The Ring and the set-up of some horrible joke.
It all began on August 31, 1995, when one chicken "accidentally" fell into a well in the little Egyptian village. A nearby 18-year-old farmer decided to descend into the well to retrieve it. He got caught in an undercurrent and tragically drowned.
Upon seeing this, his sister and two brothers decided the most logical thing to do was to follow him in one at a time.
Each of them got caught in an undercurrent and also tragically drowned.
Two elderly farmers, who, we can only assume were watching the show with a vacant grin, then decided to follow them. Where four healthy, full-grown adults had failed, two frail Egyptian men could only succeed.
They got caught in an undercurrent and drowned. Tragically.
With the day's chicken-related death count at six, which has to be at least three more than most days, other villagers got the message and decided not to throw themselves at the sixty-foot stone shaft.
The villagers called the cops, like they probably should have five villagers ago.
"It looks like... six dead bodies... and a chicken! Get it!"
The icing on the cake is what the local police found when they drew the bodies out of the well.
They found the chicken, alive. Only the anatomical limitation of a beak kept the triumphant smirk off its face.
The Gopher Explosion
On April 3, 1995, three employees of the Carroll Fowler Elementary School in Ceres discovered a small gopher on school grounds. Naturally, they elected to dispose of it in the most humane way possible... by imprisoning it in a small janitorial closet and spraying it with chemicals until it developed a deep hatred for them. And, apparently, superpowers.
After several minutes of tormenting the pathetic creature with cleaning solvents used to harden gum on the underside of school desks, the employees became frustrated with the gopher's lack of deadness. Obviously, this trio didn't pay enough attention to Caddyshack, or they would have seen what was coming.
A cautionary tale.
They stopped for a quick breather, and by that we mean, a smoke. Since smoking wasn't allowed on school grounds, the closet was about the only place the three could retreat to satisfy their cravings. This would be the closet now full of chemical solvent vapors.
Predictably, their lighter ignited a massive fireball of the damned, scorching and consuming all in its path. The three were rushed to the hospital with burns, several schoolchildren wound up with minor injuries and effects from chemical inhalation.
On the other hand, our gopher hero decided he wasn't going to take Death's shit anymore. The blast that had burned three adults had left the gopher relatively unharmed. He was found later, clinging to the wall of the closet.
That's right. The gopher was clinging to the wall. An animal that is known solely for digging. Was clinging. To the wall. Reports do not say if its eyes were glowing with the demonic hellfire of Satan, so we're forced to assume they were.
In November, 2005, Charles and Linda Everson were vacationing at Wapato Point in Washington, and were driving back to their hotel, when a cow plummeted off of an adjoining 200-foot-tall cliff and crashed onto the hood of their car. The couple managed to escape unharmed, but their minivan was never the same.
The way we see it, there are three distinct possibilities.
1. Mad cow disease made the cow think she was an airplane.
2. She was trying to re-enact Batman's hood jump from the parking garage scene in The Dark Knight.
3. She's a cow, and as such, is designed solely for being hamburger and lacks the basic neural functions required to not fall off things.
Whichever one of those is true, it happens way more than you'd think. Plenty of places already have signs set up under the logic that an obnoxious yellow warning will help prevent something that is impossible to predict and impossible to react to until it has already smashed through the roof and flattened you like an accordion.
WARNING: cartoonish death ahead.
The bottom line is that if you're driving beside a cliff in cattle country, this can happen to you at any moment. Though there's not much you can do to prevent it, we suggest having a sunroof installed. It won't help, but it will give you an amusing view before every bone in your body is pulverized.
Related: The Matrix Is Real, If You Are A Cow
Hunting Dog Shoots a Man, Gets Away With It
In August, 1999, in Stuttgart, Germany, the corpse of a fifty-one year old man was found next to his car. The cause of death? A shotgun wound.
The gun in question was lying on seat of the car, next to a bawling dog.
Puzzled, the local cops pulled out their CSI kits and, probably after scanning everything with a green laser beam, realized the shot had come from inside the car. There was no evidence of another shooter.
Other than the dog, that is. They decided the hunter had been leaving his car, when the excited dog jumped on the cocked and loaded gun. It discharged, killing the owner.
That's the theory, anyway. For all we know, there may be a very inventive serial killer in Germany right now, still shaking his head in incredulity that the cops fell for his framing of a freaking dog in a shooting death.
Or, maybe the gunshot rang out after a tense standoff between hunter and dog, at the tail end of a bitter discussion about just who was going to eat the pheasant they brought home.
We'll never know. What we do know is you shouldn't trust an animal with a loaded gun. That's like handing Al Qaeda a nuke on the assumption that they're too damned stupid to figure out how to use it.
"I am gonna fuck you up so hard.
There's always that chance that your dog has waited his whole life for just that opportunity.
A Reindeer Attacks Santa Claus
In September of 1997, Capt. Larry Roberdeau arrived outside of a South Dakota mobile home, responding to a 911 call the Police Station had received earlier.
"I never saw anything like this," he says. "I came on the scene, and there was a reindeer trying to kill Santa."
Let us clarify. It was the home of James Emery, a full-time Santa. And when we say "full-time", we're talking about a guy who apparently wears his costume year-round if the following video is to be believed.
We'll give you a moment to calm down after the thrilling reenactment. Look at the way he's desperately grabbing onto the beast's horns. We think the poor thing was just trying to get away.
Anyway, as he tells the story, he went out to feed his reindeer in the middle of what happened to be mating season. He got a little too close to one reindeer's favorite female. The jealous male, named Casper because Emery apparently doesn't know shit about Santa Claus mythology, went on the attack.
Now, we're assuming that to a reindeer, Santa isn't a jolly fellow delivering gifts. To them Santa would be a cruel taskmaster, who according to legend forces their brethren to haul his fat ass on a frantic global trip through the freezing cold.
Also, if you saw Santa hitting on your girl, wouldn't you step in? Do you think your girl would pass up the chance to fuck Santa?
To make it just a little more ridiculous, the cop on the scene remarked, "This is the most bizarre case I've ever been on... . Involving a reindeer and a man."
Well we should hope so.
The deer suffered a fatal heart attack from all the excitement. And what did James "Santa" Emery do, after he indirectly caused his precious deer's death?
He ate him.
Santa, you may be beloved around the world, but among the reindeer, you're a douche.
For other reasons to fear animals you want to hug check out The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You. Or for some animals that would have kicked our ass if they hadn't gone and evolved, check out 6 Formerly Kickass Creatures Ruined by Evolution or Wolves in Sheep's Clothing: The Badass Roots of 5 Sissy Dogs .