We're not saying sex is something to be ashamed of, and far be it from us to declare any activity between consenting adults to be unnatural or immoral. It's just that some types of sex are weird and yes, even terrifying to us.
But, if you're going to do something that would make a dominatrix flinch, you might as well do it right. Thus we offer these sex guides that you'll either find helpful or nightmarish, depending on your personal preferences.
The ToyBag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay
The Book Says:
"A shiny blade against smooth soft skin is terrifying, of course, but for many people also highly erotic."
"This was an amazing read, and it really got me thinking about lots of new and fun play ideas."
We're assuming that "erotic knifeplay" is like that scene in The Animatrix where the couple slash each other's clothes off with swords. We're thinking this is one of many things that looks like fun in a cartoon, but should probably be avoided in real life.
So on that count, we have mixed feelings about The ToyBag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay. On one hand, we don't like the idea of a book legitimizing the whole knife-sex thing. On the other hand, if you're going to start practicing a sex act where you whip out both your dong and a razor sharp blade at the same time, you better damned well study up on how to do it right.
The Book Says:
"Now that more people are living to be 70, 80, 90 and 100, research shows quite clearly that sex is as important as ever."
"Our sex life has truly changed and is now the best we've ever had - even though we are both in our early seventies!"
The above quote scares the shit out of us. If the best sex you've ever had is in your 70s, you may have ruined your life somehow.
Now, understand, being the lovers of freedom and individual rights that we are, we're not suggesting senior citizens shouldn't have sex. We're just suggesting it never be talked about or acknowledged openly in any way whatsoever because it horrifies us.
Now picture them porking.
Horrifies us like watching Satan kill Santa Claus, then burning down Disneyland while drinking the last beer ever. But apparently that feeling isn't held by a small, but determined population of internet porn shoppers and the authors of this book who figured people who had most likely been having sex for seven decades now need a guide on how to do it.
Paying for Sex: The Gentlemen's Guide to Web Porn, Strip Clubs, Prostitutes & Escorts -- Without Humiliation, Job Loss, Bankruptcy, Infection, Bloodshed or Incarceration
The Book Says:
"How to buy great online porn, have a naked stripper gyrating in your lap or get laid by an erotic professional without putting your life, wallet or reputation at risk."
"... It's a guide for being a faceless sexually frustrated man."
While this book promises to show you how to buy porn online, get a stripper in your lap and engage in nefarious acts with an "erotic professional" which we think means either Dr. Drew or a hooker, we're pretty sure we know how to pull off all three of those things, minus the Dr. Drew part.