Every Saturday, CRACKED.com asks our favorite sites on the web to fill in for us. Today, we're lucky to have a point-counterpoint from the two remaining candidates in the race for the Democratic nomination. First, Senator Clinton responds to a difficult week for her campaign, and then Senator Obama offers a rebuttal.
Last Tuesday? Uneventful Night Far as I Recall
By Hillary Clinton
Hey everybody! How was your evening last Tuesday night? Probably felt good to kick back the night after Cinco de Mayo, right? We celebrated the Mexican holiday a day late at a Chiles in Ft. Wayne with endless chips and salsa and four rounds of El Nino margaritas. But other than that, nothing too interesting from this week to report. Especially not when there are matters of critical importance to think about.
Like my favorite state, West Virginia! Did you know West Virginia is the wisest state? The median age is 40 -- the oldest in the country. Also the first federal prison for women was opened in West Virginia and the actor Don Knotts was born a native Mountaineer.
I'm sorry, I can't do this. Don fucking Knotts? West Virginia is one of those terrible states with a capital you can never remember. I could Wikipedia it real quick, but honestly I don't care what it is. I bet Obama knows because HE'S SO FUCKING PERFECT! Maybe I should call him and ask. He's probably too busy knitting a sweater for a homeless person or teaching his adorable little girl how to read or some shit.
Well I'll tell you what Barack is not doing--closing the deal.
It's like he's got a girl back at his place, they're talking about philosophical things such as the myth of soul mates on his couch. The air is thick with sexual tension. He thinks about the lean-in, but it's as if she's miles away. She's ready for a move, but instead Barack awkwardly announces it's getting late and he has to get up early. Most likely because he's gay.
Is that a president you want, America? A sissy boy who is all talk and no bow-chicka-bow-wow? Or do you want someone who will bag the chick, by any means necessary (including the use of GHB if he/she has to) then will brag to their friends the next day about how the girl was begging for it. I'm that type of president.
James Carville said something salient on the topic: "If she gave him one of her cojones, they'd both have two."
Not exactly how I would have put it, but there you go: Yes, I have three balls. You probably have a lot of questions. Is the third ball a mutation and hence ineffective at producing sperm? Are all three of my balls in one scrotum or do I have a spare ball inside a spare scrotum like that extra button in the little plastic baggy they give you when you buy a new shirt?
These are all very good questions and I'd like to answer them. But if you haven't heard there's a primary to campaign for, and 38 hot, slutty delegates are at stake who are practically begging for it. The future awaits so I don't know why people keep asking about last Tuesday.
A Politics of Cynicism or Hope and Change?
By Barack Obama
This election is about a simple question: Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope and change? Well I choose hope and change. I hope that for her sake, my opponent recognizes that I closed the goddamn deal last Tuesday. And as for change, a black guy went into a confederate state and beat the shit out of a white woman. Beat her fucking RAW. Like, closed-fist-punches-to the-skull, wailed on her. And I didn't hear anyone complaining. How's that for a change?
Hillary Clinton is written by Jared Neumark and Barrack Obama by Saj Pothiawala. Many more blogs of equally questionable authenticity can be found at NewsGroper.com.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.