"Soccer is forbidden except when played as training for jihad," says the Saudi Sheikh Abdallah Al-Najdi. Since we don't ever plan on engaging in 'holy war' or any such struggle, we guess that means no soccer for us if we choose to accept the fatwa. Dang.
Why we're on board:
Granted, Zidane head-butting that punk was deliciously retarded, and that 'Goooaaaal!' guy of indeterminate ethnicity is entertaining. Too bad the sport that he is so passionate about isn't. Low scores, tie games, and dudes ripping off their shirts are the norm (that last one is only acceptable for Hulk Hogan, and to a lesser extent, the Ultimate Warrior).
The only thing that's mildly entertaining about soccer is tangentially related to the game: drunken hooliganism. We have that in North America too, except that we call it rioting and instead of beating the soccer-induced boredom out of each other with our fists, we steal television sets.
It isn't just the game's intrinsic lack of appeal either. We can tolerate a lot of peripheral distractions in our sports: rampant use of steroids, human growth hormone and cliches. However, we cannot in good conscience condone a sport where teams practice faking injuries at practice. If we want our kids to learn such pansy-ish ways, we'll send them to a boarding school in France.
That said, we wanted to issue this fatwa simply as a preemptive measure against David Beckham's impending popularity.