Who Is This Wuss?
James Blunt is the helium-voiced, Jagger-lipped balladeer who burst onto the scene in 2005 with your mom's favorite song, "You're Beautiful." Once his career took off, Blunt could be found every time you turned on your fucking radio or television, including on such rawk-ready shows as Oprah and Sesame Street, where he sang a reworked version of "You're Beautiful" called "Triangles." Jesus tapdancing Christ.
According to our friend Wikipedia, "You're Beautiful" received massive airplay in the U.K., which helped propel Blunt's debut album, Back To Bedlam, to No. 1 on the U.K. albums chart. This helped unseat Coldplay's X&Y from the pole position, a fact we only mention because those last few words manage to make James Blunt and Coldplay sound even gayer. In short, James Blunt is the kind of guy you'd probably like to punch clean in the face. If he walked into the room, the only thing stopping you would probably be a sense of pity, and possibly the fear of doing some sort of lasting damage to his delicate, child-like frame.
Why He Owns You:
Have you ever driven a tank? James Blunt has. Before launching a career in leprechaun troubadourism, James Blunt served as a captain in the British Army. Granted, it's the British Army, but you can bet your ass that the training required to make captain involves learning several techniques that would see to it that he could whoop your ass six ways to Sunday before you land a single womanly slap.
To make matters worse (for you), during the war in Kosovo Blunt was put in charge of leading 30,000 troops into the Kosovan capital. So not only could he fuck you up proper, he's the type of dude that people put in charge of ordering around tens of thousands of other men fully capable of doing the same. It should go without saying he leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes.
Who You Are In Comparison:
Who Is This Wuss?
Michael Flatley is the fancy-footed Irish-American step dancer behind beloved prance fests like "River Dance," "Lord of the Dance," "Feet of Flames" and "The Celtic Tiger." This is where we'd normally insert a joke about how we made one of those names up. Not this time.
"The Celtic Tiger," his most recent show, explores the struggles Ireland faced as it grew as a nation hellbent on overcoming its oppressors. It explores these issues through the power of gay-as-all-hell tap dancing performed in unison. In 1998, Flatley made the Guinness Book of World Records when he achieved an astounding 35 taps per second, a record later broken by some dude named James Devine. Well, fine, try topping this James: In September, 2000, the Sorbonne in Paris awarded Flatley their prestigious ... um ... "Coq Flambee" award.
According to Wikipedia, this is vaguely described as being awarded for "his commitment to furthering Franco-Irish relations." And just when you think it can't get any gayer, Mike has to go and start playing the flute. Yep, Michael Flatley is an acclaimed flautist with three albums to his credit. What a pussy, right?