30 Reasons Eminem is Bad for Music

by guest writer Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
London Institute of Culture and Rap Studies

  1. Bigotry

    Eminem is famous for rampant anti-Semitism. His recent hit Without Me complains "...well the FCZ won't let me be," apparently referring to the Founder's Conspiracy of Zionists, a supposed secret jewish mind-control plot often mentioned in Neo-Nazi literature. Why doesn't somebody take him to task on this?

  2. Get the man a therapist

    Eminem brags in his lyrics that he has named his penis "Haley" and refers to it constantly in his latest songs. And we pay to listen?

  3. Get the man a therapist part 2...

    The "Haley" references include this bizarre and deeply disturbing threat toward his mother:

    "Ma.... Haley's getting so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful!
    But you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral!"

  4. Get the man a therapist, part 3...

    Did you notice that the famously homophobic Eminem refers to his genitalia as "she?" Why can't we get help for this man?

  5. The backwards mask

    When played backwards, several of Eminem's songs reveal curse words, including several instances of the word cr*p.

  6. Sexism

    Women are nothing but mindless receptacles for sex in Eminem's world, as evidenced by his current hit Hot in Here where he issues these commands: "It's getting hot in here... so take off all your clothes." In the chorus a female voice responds in submission, "I'm gonna take my clothes off." A terrifying look into a misogynist fantasy.

  7. Read between the lines, part 2

    If you listen closely to Without Me Eminem threatens another man that "you could get your ass kicked." At best this is a reference to vindictive animal cruelty, at worst it's a curse word and should not be allowed in music. If you interpret it as the latter, replace the "a" above with an asterisk.

  8. Why isn't he in jail?

    Eminem repeatedly brags about his criminal background, even stating in one early song that he would "rock the mic like a vandal." Is this the role model you want for your children?

  9. Worse than stealing

    Enormous sales of Eminem albums in recent years have detracted from those of far superior artists, such as Elvis Costello and Indigo Girls. There are rumors that they will file a lawsuit.

  10. Bigotry, part 2

    In his hit film 8 Mile (which sources tell me is a reference to the supposed length of Eminem's penis) the star issues this shameful "battle rap" tirade toward an African-American opponent:

    Get yo' negro rhymes out my white face
    You don't try to mess with the master race
    I'm gonna use rap to bring back slavery
    Then I'll shave your 'fro in my shavery
    I bust Aryan rhymes from the phrase to the letter
    'Cuz anything blacks can do, whites can do better.

  11. Entertainment takes a brain

    In his song The Real Slim Shady Eminem commands followers to "circle the parking lot" in their cars, and in the next line commands:

    ...please stand up.
    Put one of your fingers on each hand up.

    This would be impossible to do while driving.

  12. The numbers don't lie

    Eminem is rap's most popular artist; but a 1998 University of Chicago study proved rap is the least enjoyable form of popular music, probably due to its horn deficit. Rap scored an 8.6 on the Henderson Audiological Good Scale. By comparison, the study found that Classical music scored a 16.9, Christian Rock a 19.6, and a spectacular 22.4 for ska.

    So why do rap fans pretend to enjoy it?

  13. Why isn't this man in jail? Part 2

    Eminem confesses to several murders in his lyrics (see Bonnie and Clyde '97) and after more than five years of an intensive homicide investigation, police still have no evidence that Eminem did not participate in the murder of rapper Tupac Shakur.

  14. What century is this?

    Did anyone else find it disturbing that all of the black characters in Eminem's hit movie
    8 Mile were played by Caucasian actors in blackface?

  15. He's a fraud

    Listen closely to the beautiful chorus of the song Stan. Do you hear it? That's not Eminem's voice. Why don't you give credit to whoever really did the singing, Mr. Eminem? I guess he's too young to have heard of Milli Vanilli.

  16. It's not true music

    If you listen closely, you can hear that Mr. Eminem's background music is generated by a machine, and in fact Eminem does not know how to play a musical instrument. Isn't it strange that we have made this man a millionaire, when he is an inferior musician to even I, who learned to play the tuba in High School? Further, music theorists prove that true music must contain a horn section. To quote Greek philosopher Asquintas:

    Oh horn
    The sword with which thou sad is shorn
    Men hath no frown when their world is horned
    Your golden blowsong, which demons hath hated
    Like a brass flaresnake, longing to be inflated

  17. Read between the lines

    Some of the lyrics in another recent hit, Closet, could be interpreted as being insulting to his mother (his mother being Michigan Senator Wilma Shady) and to his father (Leave it to Beaver star Jerry Mathers). Eminem relates an apparently traumatic experience when his father "split" but in reality his father returned just two hours later.

  18. Why isn't he in jail? Part 3

    Eminem's song from a few years ago, Cop Killer, encouraged violence against police and is considered one of the ugliest pieces of music ever written.

  19. Did I mention he should be in jail?

    In Closet Eminem proudly declares, "I got skeletons in my closet." It is widely thought by me that this is the skeleton of Tupac Shakur. Have the police not heard this recording? Wouldn't this song be grounds for a search warrant?

  20. Cinematic Idiocy

    Speaking of 8 Mile, the final scene had the audience I watched it with howling with laughter. There is almost no way to disarm a nuclear device using only rap.

  21. Original? Hardly

    The song The Real Slim Shady is a cover of the Roy Orbison song of the same name, released in 1976.

  22. The occult connection

    In the lyrics of Without Me, Eminem confesses he "created a monster." It is widely thought that he performed a ritual of Jewish mysticism to raise a Golem. From the text, it was apparently constructed of chopped liver, wheat, and hard liquor.

  23. The occult connection, part 2

    It is widely thought that the aforementioned Golem went on to become Andrew W.K.

  24. Know the Man

    Eminem's hair is not naturally yellow; he dies it chemically. Such physical dishonesty has long been an indicator of weak character. To quote Sartorius:

    Beware the man with a tinted mane
    For it is theft thou soul doth contain
    He longs for your brother's oxen
    He longs for your boy's ass
    When he is near, keep both well-chained!

  25. Bringing out the worst in us...

    Eminem glorifies cold, unfeeling amorality with the lyrics:

    Ice, ice, baby. Too cold, too cold.
    Ice ice, baby. Too cold, too cold.

  26. Excuses, excuses

    Eminem claims in Cleaning Out my Closet that he is a victim of "Munchausen's Syndrome," apparently as a way to defend his anti-woman attitudes (Derrick Van Munchausen was the real name of troubled 80's pop star Rick James).

  27. As further evidence...

    In his hit Mongrels, Eminem states:

    Impure races
    In nonwhite places
    Gonna rearrange your face
    Like Trading Spaces

    See anything wrong with those lyrics? That's right; they're stolen word-for-word from the hit Unwhite Holocaust by Simon and Garfunkel.

  28. Verbal filth

    To quote the song Kill You:

    Bitch I'ma kill you! You ain't got the balls to beef
    We ain't goin' never stop beefin' I don't squash the beef

    Why would we let our money support this growing and malignant anti-vegetarian movement?

  29. The incomplete performer

    Hey, Mr. Eminem. Standing still and moving your arms slightly is not dancing.

    There is no question in my mind that any performer who won't take the time to learn the art of dance should not be allowed to sign a record deal. To quote Farquitheus:

    The rod of joy smites the male
    Whose limbs hath flail
    Jump! Flail! Jump! Flail!
    I have soiled myself.

  30. Conspiracy of silence

    It is widely thought that Eminem was one of the key players in covering up the faking of Tupac Shakur's death.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments

More Articles

The Classic Sitcom That Looks Completely Insane In 2019

Let us pitch you a sitcom ...


5 Creepy Moments From History You Never Learned In School

History is full of horribly depressing moments.


5 World-Changing Geniuses (Who Got Robbed Of All The Credit)

Behind every great man is a great mind they ripped off.


7 New Movies That Sound Totally Bonkers (In A Good Way)

You'll wanna watch 'em!