Grossly Inaccurate Review: Chamber of Secrets

Grossly Inaccurate Review: Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Warner Bros.

Daniel Radcliffe

Kenneth Branagh


MS x 5
PSB x 12
I, SO x 76
EMM x 4
BWC x 3
TMFM x 3

(see guide below)

This is the second film adaptation of the explosively popular stories of Harry Potter, a series of dark sexual allegories of a young boy who reaches puberty only to find he can make "dark magic" happen with his "wand." Whether or not such material is appropriate for young minds has been the subject of a great deal of controversy here in the USA. This is due to the use of Harry's "magic" and to the tales' inaccurate portrayal of the English.

Regarding the latter, there is no argument as to whether there is indeed bigotry in this film. The real question would be, is it enough? Chamber of Secrets starts out promisingly, portraying the English Petunia and Vernon Dursley as petty, empty beings with cold and blackened souls, every bit the selfish, child-abusing, human-shaped devils we expect the English to be. However, the gains the story made with me were wiped out just as quickly when the couple are seen sharing a bed, insinuating that somehow there could be even two people who are both British and heterosexual.

Why Hollywood consistently stops short in its damnation of foreigners is a mystery. I could recklessly make the accusation that members of the crew or some of the writers were British, though such people would surely face execution back home for collaborating with the rebel colonies. There are even rumors that Potter author J.K. Rowling maintains some ties to Great Britain, but to make such a damning accusation would require a bolder journalist than I. The blood of my forefathers was not spilled back in the '70's just so we could turn around and pour money back in to the motherland. Of course, the idea that the British King would even accept green dollars branded with the faces of men such as George Washington and Ben Franklin, the very revolutionaries who became drunk on the blood of English oppressors, is laughable.

(As a bit of trivia, American money was colored green because the first bills were printed with the green blood of the English).

But I digress. We saw in the first film, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, that our young wizard had learned to do magic with his "wand," a wooden staff seven feet long with a razor-sharp pike at the end. With a simple hard thrust of this "wand" he can cast numerous "spells" such as Bloody Punctured Lung and Spurting Skull Hole.

Harry learns to solve all of his problems this way. Once more in Chamber of Secrets Harry is impeded from returning to Hogwarts school for Wizards by his evil Aunt and Uncle. He remedies this by casting Torso Skewer on the uncle and turning his Aunt into a Bitch Kabob.

Potter arrives back at school for Year Two of his training, only to run into arch-nemesis Professor Snape (Alan Rickman). Potter overcomes Rickman with his most powerful "spell," the Curse of the Stabbed Crotch. Once more I question the appropriateness of this scene for children, who may not want to spend 20 minutes watching Snape writhing on the floor in a pool of his own blood shrieking, "AAAARRRRGHHH!!! MY COCK! YOU STABBED ME RIGHT IN MY F**KING COCK!!! YOU SICK LITTLE BASTARD! I'M DYING HERE FROM A SINGLE STAB WOUND TO MY ONCE WHOLE, UNSTABBED COCK!!! COCK!!! COOOOOOCCCCKKKKK!!!"

New to the saga is Gilderoy Lockhart, the new Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts played by Kenneth Branagh, himself apparently the victim of a spell that removed his lips. Lockhart befriends Harry right away, but can Harry trust him? And will Harry be able to confront the dark forces that suddenly have Hogwarts under seige?

The answer is no, Harry can't trust Lockhart and yes, he will be be able to confront he dark forces. In the climax Harry confronts the evil wizard Voldamor, who appears in spirit form floating through the halls of Hogwarts. Harry defeats him with a spectacular Anus Impalement.

(Note: In real-life England, it would not take a wizard to cast such a spell.)

It's all good fun, but judging from the above, you would do well to keep the kids away. In these troubled times you would not want them to grow up as British sympathizers.

I give Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets my highest rating: Two stars.



MS - Mild Swearing
PSB - Partial Nudity - Breasts.
PSA - Partial Nudity - Ass.
PSD - Partial Nudity - Dick.
FN - Full Nudity - may contain Breasts, Ass and Dick.
HS - Heavy Swearing - May include "sh*t," "f**k," or "s***-***** c*********."
I, SO - Impalings, Sharp Object
EMM - Explicit Monkey Masturbation
IMM - Implicit Monkey Masturbation
BWWC - Beastiality While Wearing Clownsuit
TMFM - Dialogue contains the phrase - "Trump my fuckhorn, Muchango."

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