5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid

Will it get me laid?
For a shy person, a rogue hand is an invaluable gift. Say a girl has been throwing you some subtle "bone me" signals that you've been too damn introverted to notice or believe. But your hand has noticed, and you watch in awe as its response leaves absolutely no room for doubt in the girl's mind that you are interested in commencing intercourse. To clinch the deal, you can now give her a line such as "Hey baby, do you know what my hand will be doing in 20 minutes? (cock eyebrow suggestively) Me neither!"

If that doesn't work (and let's face it, possessed limbs are often not the best judges of subtle moods), you've still got someone else's hand on the end of your arm. If you can persuade it that you love and respect it very much, and that your erogenous zone is not going to stimulate itself, you don't really need to get laid at all.

How do I get it?
Alien Hand Syndrome is caused by a particularly hardcore treatment for epilepsy in which a "doctor" surgically separates the two hemispheres of your brain. Due to its suicidal insanity, this operation can only be performed by a cackling madman in a lightning-lit castle at midnight. The lightning is important; on clear nights, a nurse is employed to switch the main light on and off really quickly.

Is it worth it?
It's your call. While the condition is rarely fatal, it can be very inconvenient. Are you a teacher? Better be careful. It only takes a few instances of "I swear it wasn't me! It was The Alien Hand" before the parents' association pays to have you arrested with unnecessary force. On the upside, you'll most likely get laid in prison.

Stendhal's Syndrome is a psychosomatic disorder that strikes when a person is exposed to too many beautiful or powerful objects in too short a space of time. Symptoms range from dizziness to full-blown psychosis. It can be triggered by famous works of art, areas of natural beauty and even entire cities; hence Jerusalem Syndrome ("Holy shit, I'm standing exactly where The Messiah once stood!") and Paris Syndrome ("Holy shit, I just paid $14 for a cup of coffee!").

Will it get me laid?
Without a doubt. The problem with most of these disorders is that you actually need to have them in order to reap their benefits. With Stendhal's Syndrome, you merely need the object of your arousal to think you have it. Just mention to your quarry that you suffer fits of dementia when exposed to overwhelming beauty, then look at his/her face and immediately crash convulsing to the floor, gibbering and foaming at the mouth. Maybe give the ground a couple of headbutts and chew off a portion of your tongue. Who isn't going to fall for that?

How can I get it?
If you want to experience the syndrome, Florence is the place to go. The author who it was named for, Stendhal, shat his mental gasket there in 1817 after spending too long staring at the Santa Croce frescoes. According to his memoirs, "Absorbed in the contemplation of sublime beauty ... I reached the point where one encounters celestial sensations ... I had palpitations of the heart...Life was drained from me," which makes you feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to mop the floor afterwards.

Is it worth it?
Oh, totally, guy. Aside from being retardedly romantic, Stendhal's Syndrome is also the only affliction on this list that can get you laid without you actually having it. If you're the honest sort who insist on really getting the disorder, the worst you'll have to suffer through is a trip to some grand city that will overwhelm your senses, which could also be accomplished by finding one of those 108-inch high-def TV's and popping in a BluRay disc full of boobs. Neither one sounds that bad.

For synesthetes, the stimulation of one sense causes the automatic stimulation of another, resulting in the ability to taste shapes, see music, and countless other variations. One synesthete may perceive each letter of the alphabet as a different color; another may have entirely separate smells for each year in the calendar. So to that person, 1996 has a pleasant apple-like fragrance, whereas 1983 might smell like dicks.

Will it get me laid?
This is the motherlode, baby. Synesthesia has long been associated with high levels of creativity, and everybody knows that chicks get some heavyset boners for creative guys. Justin Chancellor from Tool has the condition, and he requires a snow plow to clear his driveway of boobies every morning. Richard James from Aphex Twin perceives music as colour, and girls perceive him as a walking penis. Pharrell Williams is the geekiest synesthete on the planet, yet as soon as he opens his front door, the sky above him is instantly filled with flocks of detached female underwear engaged in an urgent crotch-to-face migration.

How can I get it?
It's mainly hereditary, but you can trigger it if you overdose on psychedelic drugs. It can also be brought on as a consequence of deafness, or after a stroke. Basically, just go to a Tool concert. It is not necessary to be riding a motorbike while you do this, although that would be pretty fucking cool.

Is it worth it?
Synesthesia is more common than you think--up to 1 in 23 people have it- and it's largely harmless, although there can be a risk of sensory overload. In one form of synesthesia, every written word evokes a different taste, which can be distressing if you can't read your own mother's name without getting a mouthful of dog vomit and sprouts.